Have You Ever Triggered Your Therapist?

[OKRADLAK]

I do think I need to back track a bit here, too.

Personally I would not go on with her because I would be triggered, Well----if I could communicate and tell her and we worked it out, then it would be OK. I did do that with one T once and it was OK.

I would talk to her and see how she takes it. I can't say if she was good or not just because I was triggered . Didn't mean to go so overboard. :)

 

[Tinyflame]

It's ok OKRADLAK, it's only normal to try to make sense of triggers.
-To get thru them (not avoid them) will help - true progress. :inlove::tup:
xox

 

[ItsAllGood]

Thanks Anthony. I think I (may have, not sure) triggered her with my intense anger.

All that said -- have any of you struggled with not being able to ground properly in therapy because old parts of you still associate your therapist with former abusers in your life? I find that I'm able to ground without too much of a problem when things come up and I'm alone or with friends. But in her office, I'm now realizing, all of that changes. It's not easy to ground. I know there are parts of me that associate her with my cold/distant mom, with abusive medical practitioners, or even male perpetrators at times. I am still working through this; it's very hard sometimes.

How do you deal with it?

I associate my T with my perps pretty much every single time. It really sux. I hate it. It makes grounding so hard. I practice being really clear on the way there. I listen to music to get in touch with my feelings, I work out before that so Im integrated and in my body rather than fragmented, I think about calming stuff, Im feeling all good and then we walk in the room and sit down and....I dissosociate. Then my T trys to get me to come back. Some times I can't. Its one of the worst parts about this that you have to endure the feeling of being in the room with the perpetrator again to be able to heal from it. The worst part is when your associating your T with the perpetrator and you get aroused (because your having the physical reaction you had at the time that was once out of your control but this time as transference) and then your sitting there having sexual feelings about your T. Its like 'kill me now' its so embarrasing. I know he's married with kids too so I feel like some kind of evil, home wrecking harlet. I think of all the idiots out there who say stuff like 'no means yes' or 'your body says you enjoyed it' and there I am having friggen sexual feelings. Oh my god its so crap.Sorry about the rant. Its just such an awful feeling, having feelings that are your own that ultimately are NOT your own. Being a victim of your own feelings. How does that even exist?

I guess basically whats happening there is a dynamic with a seducing parent. Theres a few good books that talk about the seductive parent or caregiver. 'The Emotional Incest Syndrome' is a good one. When a parent directs their sexual energy, love and attention at a child the child is groomed to respond to the feeling of being 'special'. I think part of it as well is that if you've been conditioned in a 'chosen child' role you start to be afraid that people wont care about you unless they're attracted to you - because thats what you've been taught a deeply caring relationship is. So having feelings about a T can be such a normal transference to come up but definitely one to talk about when your ready. Its important to talk about it because that conversation is an opportunity to learn what real care is: that sex doesnt have to be on the table for someone to care about you and your wellbeing, that you won't be abandoned for having feelings, that you deserve to be cared for and listened to just because your you.That you have a profound, unique worth and value that is nothing to do with sex, its just because your you.

Surprisingly I know this stuff intellectually but I dont know it in my heart properly at all yet. but I have a suspicion its creeping, sneaking like a little mouse in slowly slowly..... : ) Hope that helps. I feel for you. Developing the skills to talk about this stuff is really empowering. When your ready say what you need to say, you do have a precious voice, it deserves to be heard and what happened to you was not your fault so the symptoms can be laid out and handed back one by one till your standing there seperate to them again. Sorry! Long post.

 

[Srain]

Remember... therapists are also human, do have their own issues and baggage, that whether you think is relevant or not... its there in that room with them every session.

This is entirely true, if you think this may be the case I would certainly address this with her. Her response would dictate whether you would be continuing with her or not. (Personally I only pay to deal with my issues.)

It's true that trauma therapists are not there to cuddle us ongoing, though there is a place for it, or we would not learn how to get through each step to move forward, however, brow beating is not an option either. I'm confused by her statement, to me it seems out of place at this stage. If she wanted to address your progress there certainly would have been a much informative and connective way of proceeding. I would address this as well, I'm shocked her choice, I neither find it helpful or educated.

 

[SimplyComplex]

I am really sorry you had a rough go. And I think I would be really taken aback too, especially by the "you almost never" term. But it sounds like a real-world reaction...if you start ripping into someone, they might respond strongly. I cant say I have had this experience, as I don't think I get mad at my t or rage. But I get real world reactions from her...and that is far more beneficial then making me tea and holding me. Sometimes she holds up a mirror and I don't like what I am seeing. But that is therapy.

And I agree, ts are people too. My t often says "the wrong thing"...and ya know, sometimes it takes me a while to right myself after it. But I would rather her make mistakes and set this attainable goal of being "good enough" then seem untouchable with a perfect persona.

 

[LizBeth1]

Thanks all, I appreciate the feedback -- it was confusing to try to gauge things, not knowing the professional ethics here. Yes Srain, I think I am wishing that she would once in a while sit down and give me a kind of progress report, but she seems to have purposely avoided this (maybe she thinks it will trigger me). Will find out more next week.