Help Please... Need Advice

[SpokaneSunshine]

P.S My above comment was not meant to trivialize your symptom of PTSD. It was meant to support that you have been violated and the act of freezing was self-defense on your part, not a form of consent.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

What's the matter with me?

(((Addy)))
It isn't you...it is the predators out there!! I have a general distrust in men, so I'm always in 'watching' mode, when it comes to their behaviour. Give yourself plenty of time to heal, and know that you are valuable without a man! I wish I had loved myself more, back when I was dating. I wouldn't have made those bad decisions based on a man's desire for me. Now, I go out of my way NOT to be noticed.

But, you are young, and already in therapy! I started WAY to late. Your T will help you figure out when it's safe to start dating. Until then, be good to YOU!!

 

[Tinyflame]

Addy- lots will do (or try) what he did and some won't, please don't think it's you.
It's not men in general, either, just ones who don't care about you and won't take no for an answer.
((((Addy))))

 

[Addy]

It isn't you...it is the predators out there!!

But why do the 'predators' keep finding me? :(

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

But why do the 'predators' keep finding me? :(

I ask myself the same question! Sometimes, I think it's because I'm too nice, and grew up not knowing there are people 'out there' who hurt people just because they choose to. Also, I was looking for a man, and that's the worst way to find one. It's important that we live our lives to the fullest, and wait for a partner to find 'us', doing what we enjoy.

I have given up after 4 marriages, and divorces. But I'm 54 years old, and have SOOOO much emotional baggage, that I don't plan on meeting anyone I'd want to risk taking that step again. I feel that if I had had therapy before I had children, that I would have chosen differently.

Don't give up! That's my motto!!

 

[Tinyflame]

"Why?.."

Because they realize we already are conditioned to having boundaries violated.
And sometimes we are no physical 'match', to stop a lot.
And because they probably try with everyone.

 

[Addy]

Because they realize we already are conditioned to having boundaries violated.

But that's my point... what is it about me that clues men in that I am unlikely to protect my own boundaries and thus get violated time after time? I feel like a hopeless cause when it comes to relationships. This makes me very sad and alone in the world.

 

[Tinyflame]

Sort of think of it like 'target hardening' Addy.

If 'alone' means not being with someone who neither cares about you nor respects you, then that will occur.
But you will attract and choose to be around (all) good people more when you stop having the mindset of it's ok to be abused permeate everything.

Trust me Addy- ptsd or no ptsd- if I had a dollar for every sexual assault or attempted one I'd be able to retire.
But good men are still out there- look for what attracts you to ones ~'not so good' (likely they are just the ones initiating asking you out quickly).
-Start slow, maybe concentrate on friendship 1st or at least do things you enjoy.

It takes time to get to know a little bit about someone.
And go by your 'gut'- don't second-guess yourself when a 'warning bell' goes off.

-Hugs-

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

And go by your 'gut'- don't second-guess yourself when a 'warning bell' goes off.

Can I 'triple' like that statement??

I read a book called "The Gift of Fear". It talks in depth about trusting our 'gut' feelings!!

Take GOOD care of YOU!!

 

[Tinyflame]

I've made mistakes worrying about hurting others' feelings, or worrying about consequences, only to find the 'consequences' turned out to be worse!

It's hard to trust 'untrustworthy' people- and that's a good thing.
But (very) surprisingly, it's easy to trust trustworthy people (even when it goes against your 'nature').

Don't worry Addy, the more healing you get now the better all your relationships will be.

But for now, please don't blame yourself- you didn't do anything wrong- and if or when you can speak with someone (even on the phone) at a rape/ women's shelter or clinic- it will help.