It Isn't Child Abuse

[kayak]

My big thought for the day: if you would be arrested for doing it to an adult, you shouldn't be doing it to a child. Whoa. I struggle all the time thinking that the physical "stuff" I went through as a child wasn't really abuse, it wasn't a big deal, I am overreacting, etc. And I struggle all the time to define the difference between "discipline" and "abuse" in my own terms. But today I had the thought that if my parents had done those things to an adult, instead of to me as a child, it would unquestionably be assault and they would be charged. So now I know in my head, for my own behavior, if I couldn't do it to an adult, I shouldn't be doing it to a child. And if you have enough self-control not to hit your boss or your hair dresser, you have enough not to hit a child. What my parents did was wrong, and losing control in that way was a choice.:barefoot:

LOL, I'm still working through these thoughts, but it feels good after 8 months to have reached some sort of tentative decision about what I think I might possibly sort of feel. :cautious: Anybody else out there struggle with thinking that their abuse wasn't really abuse? Anybody figure it out?
kayak

 

[PerfectEmpire]

I agree! I think most of us struggle with this regardless of the type of abuse suffered. It is especially difficult for those dealing with psychological/emotional abuse, domestic violence (breaking furniture ect.) and various forms of covert abuse.

For many of us, abuse is "normal" and therefore must not be "abuse" (that big, bad word that we associate with Lifetime movies).

I think rape / sexual assault survivors have similar difficulties. "It wasn't that bad, that sort of thing doesn't happen to me, I'm not that special, it was just a thing, he wasn't a stranger..."

We all tend to rationalize, minimize, and deny ourselves our own pain. It's a major milestone to realize that you were indeed abused/assaulted/raped/whatever. The next step is making that realization stick (rather than slipping back into dissociation/rationalization and/or other forms of coping).

 

[Lionheart]

I was abused as a child, physically, sexually etc, etc. and I definitely had a problem calling it abuse. As children we automatically accept the blame, (even when it is obvious to most adults that we were totally innocent and undeserving of the abuse)!!!

To my mind, It is a huge step to finally name it for what it is.....because then, we can begin to let go of the emotional pain, shame, guilt etc.:D

There is definitely a huge difference between disciplining a child; explaining to them what is wrong with their behavior and grabbing the first belt, shoe, hairbrush etc. ya come across and beating them senseless with it!

 

[kayak]

It's funny (odd, not amusing) that those are such common items to hit children with. There is a hairbrush and a wooden spoon (still at my parents' house, ugh) that I will never ever forget. Why do you never hear of people beating their children with the TV remote? Or a salt shaker? My T calls them "implements" and that word makes me cringe every time. It's just an ugly, ugly word. LOL, I can say that I was beaten with a heavy wooden spoon, but still wouldn't call it "abuse." :rolleyes:

 

[OKRADLAK]

It's funny (odd, not amusing) that those are such common items to hit children with. :rolleyes:

This is why I hate Bibles, the very thing that used to be comforting:(

 

[SimplyComplex]

This is something I think of a lot when it comes to boundaries too. Would you like to be forced to go hug your great aunt, who you barely know? How would you feel about a stranger making comments about you like you werent there? How about a neighbor purposely scaring or teasing you? How about someone coming up from behind and snaching you up to lay a big old wet one?

Kids are people too...it drives me nuts they aren't allowed boundaries. If a child is cool with the behavior, that is ok. But if they seem unhappy or uncomfortable, allow them to say no and step in on their behalf to stop the behavior.

Sorry, sort of a side track but it seems to fit the topic a bit. I agree fully, if you would get arrested for doing it to an adult, you shouldnt do it to a child.

 

[jeeps for now]

IMO all the thinking that it was no big deal, or our own fault, is precisely the way we protected ourselves from developing PTSD in the first place. After all, PTSD can be a life-threatening condition.

What interests me is our development of PTSD years later, when another traumatizing event occurs. It is at this time that we tend to reflect upon the abusive nature of those early years.

 

[kayak]

Being hit with a Bible. Ooooh, that's a double whammy. It's like being hurt by your teddy bear or favorite pillow. Or like being hurt by the person who... hmmm, I was going to say "like the person who you go to for comfort and protection" but... Huh, well that just clicked into place.

 

[Rob_Dog19]

It took me a really long time to come to the conclusion that my sexual abuse was abuse...after all, even cps decided that it was just "normal sibling curiosity". I spent forever struggling with the fact that I felt horribly wronged when everyone else decided for me that it was not abuse and it was my fault that anything happened in the first place. Excuse me? I was nine years old when it started, how is a nine year old at fault for being tied down by her 15 year old brother and forced to do things i never wanted? uggghhh!!!! that thought of "it wasn't abuse" is a trigger for me...sorry for the diatribe.

 

[ronin47]

Oh gosh, I struggled with that feeling for the better part of a decade. I still do sometimes. Much of my trauma came from my brother. However; some weeks ago I had to do Mandated Reporter training, in other words I had to learn how to recognize potential child abuse. At the beginning of a presentation we watched it gave a long list of tell-tale signs of child abuse (bruises, scratches, etc), and at the bottom of the list it said something to the effect of "if any of these came from a sibling, then it's not abuse." I'm sure you can imagine how good that made me feel :(.

What happened hurt me, there's no denying that fact at this point, it left a deep scar on me. That's what I really try to focus on and work on, rather than getting caught up in all the labels.

 

[Queen Boudica]

I went to a mother's day talk at at church this year. There was a mother and daughter talking about their experiences.

The daughter was explaining how her sister and her were known as the best behaved children in church. Two blonde girls sitting up straight. Because their father had a wooden spoon down his sleeve ready for action if they misbehaved.

I just thought "What the hell". The daughter were boasting about how good this was. That's abuse!

And the mother going on about how she would be in tears, how her job was so hard when at times she had to punish them and she would tell them that "this would hurt her more than it would hurt them" What the hell was she doing to them? Obviously if it was acceptable to use a wooden spoon in church, God knows what was used at home.

And the daughters are now happy good loyal daughters. Proud of their parents and how they brought them up. What!!!

My mother's favourite was her shoes, hard heeled mules. Hysterically hitting us anywhere on our small bodies. But to be honest, that was the least of our worries. It was the emotional and verbal that really killed us.

 

[kayak]

I totally get that!! I keep telling my T that I didn't mind the physical stuff nearly as much as the verbal, but she never comments on that :rolleyes:. I'd rather be hit any day than be made to feel the way I did when my mom was being mean or sarcastic. "Small bodies"...ouch. My first experience with flashbacks was when I started paying attention to kids and realizing just how very small their bodies are. Whoa...I can not believe people would talk about this openly and proudly anywhere, but especially not in church. Geez, I hope someone told that family that what they were doing was NOT cool.