Damaged Goods

[Yellow Sun]

Hello h2o :). I was able to access the forum towards the end of what's been quite a difficult day.Your kind words brought a much needed feeling of peace and sanity. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I hope you also discover your safe place :).

 

[Glass Spine]

the memory of being engulfed in tears earlier this week, and of being seduced by the thought of 'easeful death' as depression returned like an old friend.

I know this feeling, but never acted upon it. My youngest brother tried to kill himself three times, and as I sat next to his unconscious body in the emergency room my problems didn't exist. My mother overdosed on morphine, and as I wiped her vomit from the carpet and watched her removing dead skin from the inside of her cheek, my problems didn't exist.

I don't mean to be crude, the point I'm trying to make is when I had a purpose - protecting my family - I didn't feel lost or weak. Powerless maybe, but I've tried to hold on to that purpose. Despair won't take me while I have it. If you have a purpose or a need to accomplish something (that you are aware of), then it could help you at times like this.

Suffering exists, and the logical conclusion is that it's supposed to exist. Maybe to learn from and overcome? That's a guess. I don't actually know anything about anything at all.

Best wishes. You deserve better.

 

[Yellow Sun]

If you have a purpose or a need to accomplish something (that you are aware of), then it could help you at times like this.

I feel blank at the moment, so it's hard to put down something that makes sense. I do know that behind that blank screen is a s**t load of self-pity. I'm aware it's not a good look, but that's my current head-space. And I'm sorry that you're the one who gets it (really I am) but I'm afraid that's what you get for paying attention to the details - and for listening. So here goes...

I'm good at somehow persisting against all odds, and waking up to face another day. But it all a bit shit. It's all a bit shit because there is no reason to do it. But I do it nonetheless. You said before that it's easier to be despondent - and I agree. I have it down to a fine art. In the interest of some kind of balance, I should say that I feel I work pretty hard at trying to glean some piece of wisdom, some reason on which I might base my leading a more truthful existence. Admittedly looking in books, and trying to find myself and a sense of meaning in my scrawlings on coffee shop napkins, is probably looking in all the wrong places. Because when it comes down to it, it's found in those real moments between people. And ironically people are what I don't have.

I'll go right ahead and blame my dad. For years I tried to take responsibility and not lay blame for how tragically I have turned out. But I find myself in a blaming mood, so I'm blaming dad - whether it makes sense or not. But actually I know I've had a pretty big hand in this myself. I've burned bridges. As much as I'm a wreck now, continued contact with family would be seriously hazardous for my health. But the consequence is I've isolated myself. This, together with my real inability to connect with people means that it's largely me, myself and I.

I can sometimes experience a sense of purpose in my work. A female client has been in a really dangerous place recently - feeling suicidal, self-harming as a means of coping with her despair. She has childhood experiences she understandably cannot talk about - and is angry. In a recent appointment she said almost nothing. But today as she left the office she said something about knowing that she is a 'difficult customer', but that it meant something to her not to be given up on. So a sense of purpose can be found in my work. Although the pressures and reality of the work environment severely compromise this. But also, as much as these interractions with clients really matter, and are profoundly moving, I don't have these interractions in my personal life. And so I come undone.

But like I said - I've done this to myself (with a sizeable contribution from others). I just don't know how to find a way to something better. Even though deep down I know something better exists...

P.S. I actually feel slightly better now I've written this post. Still clueless, but slightly better. I'm trying to find a way to say 'Thank You', but it's sounding pretty inadequate.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yellow Sun, I can relate to much of what you have written (content and feelings), and the manner (words) which you have chosen to express it. (I hope you can bear with me- I lack the same ability, especially today).

I agree- I feel much the same.

I am glad you have said what you felt like/ what was on your mind.

I was very amazed you said what you did re: your client- it's hard when one is in her position to feel (or experience) that anyone wouldn't give up on them, or 'secretly' wouldn't just be repulsed or horrified.
And it impressed me that you said "understandably cannot talk about", because no one would think of that!

So therefore you must have a very good level of self-awareness, and of your own trauma(s)- (though I'm sorry for that), and also human nature. And you are very kind, indeed.

I really highly doubt based on that that you could prevent 'those' (quality) interactions in your personal life.
Maybe it's just a drive (by your nature) to accomplish much, a tendency to concentrate on what's more important- an existential drive, as well as going too hard on yourself- you neither impress me as 'damaged goods' nor without purpose (though I know you're speaking the truth when you say it seems or feels so!)

Maybe you need a new perspective on yourself- :)

P.S- Welcome! And I like your name :)
Peace to you.

 

[Glass Spine]

I can comprehend what you are saying, but whether or no I am qualified to offer advice is an unknown. But I'd like to try, so...

I don't see self-pity as such a bad thing. As with all things, too much is too much, but at times there is beauty in sorrow. Life is shit, and obscene, and ridiculous, and ominous, and comical. It's too easy to take it seriously. Maybe you need a new perspective? I know; easy to say, hard to do, but don't let someone else's definition ruin your own.

Within literature is held all the so-called 'secrets of the universe'. Whether fiction or non-fiction, if something feels right, it is right. The way I see it, wisdom is wisdom, no matter where it comes from, so don't be in such a hurry to disregard your books' messages. (Sorry, but I really love to read :))

But only you know what you need, and if it's people... err... Bit off more than I can chew with that one. The last person I spoke to was the owner of the shop down the road (her: "Lovely day, isn't it?" - me, mumbling: "It's too bright." - end of conversation.)

You seem to have a good amount of common sense. But 'damaged goods' don't generally damage themselves, and while I may be placing too much importance on the analogy, the "sizeable contribution from others" is what matters. Blaming yourself is illogical when you're suffering, and I stand by my above post - you really do deserve better. If something better exists, it will come. Until then, maybe you already know what you need.

And yes, I know the term 'thank you' seems to have become devalued with overuse. It's also difficult to make it sound genuine when it's typed onto a computer. But still, thank you for the advice you have offered me and thank you for sharing your thoughts.

 

[Yellow Sun]

Junebug, I don't quite know how to respond to what you have written...Your post is beautiful, and full of calming insight.

You say you can relate to much of the thoughts and feelings I have expressed; and I also am sorry for that. I feel recognised and strangely understood in your words.Your understanding suggests familiarity with suffering - but also a strong instinct for perceptive kindness.

I hope you also feel the sense of peace that you have extended to me.

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Welcome to the forum, Yellow Sun!

Your introduction was extremely eloquent and even poetic. Absolutely beautiful... You should take a look at the art and poetry section in the forum. I bet you could add some. I would love to read some more of your writing. Very impressive!

I call the forum my little safe haven. People I can relate to all around. People who listen. It is all pretty priceless. I am glad that you found us.

Best of luck with your trauma work! It will be hard at times, but oh so worth it in the end...

Take care!

 

[Yellow Sun]

Hello Deaf Global Nomad!

I like that you're feeling mellow :).

I call the forum my little safe haven. People I can relate to all around. People who listen. It is all pretty priceless. I am glad that you found us.

I feel all of the above. This is proving to be a space where I can feel connected with myself and with others. And yet there's a part of me that feels a little insecure (I'm not sure if that's my exact feeling, but I can't think of a more accurate description right now) in the face of so much kindness and support. I'm not sure what that's about.

I appreciate your kind words about some of the thoughts and feelings I have shared. My conversations in the forum have been very important to me. I'm not sure if I'm feeling brave enough to make a contribution, but I would definitely like to take a peek at art and poetry section :).

But most of all, I really like what you have to say about the trauma work I'll be doing. This gives me a feeling of hope.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Wonderful to have such a positive outlook. :)

 

[Yellow Sun]

GLASS SPINE SAID:

"But only you know what you need, and if it's people... err... Bit off more than I can chew with that one. The last person I spoke to was the owner of the shop down the road (her: "Lovely day, isn't it?" - me, mumbling: "It's too bright." - end of conversation.)"

Oh GS, it was going so smoothly up until this point...Thanks for making me smile. If it makes you feel slightly better, I failed the course in 'small talk' too.

Glass Spine, I really like the way you think.

I'm grateful you took the time to even reflect on what I'm struggling with, let alone put it down in words.

I suspect that finding a different perspective is key to addressing my thoughts and beliefs (are you impressed with my CBT talk?); thoughts and beliefs that by the way, probably only serve to perpetuate the damage originally done. The times I've consciously made positive changes - even if for a short period of time - around my depression and anxiety, have all started with me adopting a new perspective.

I want to think more about what's been discussed, but I should probably do this when I'm feeling less sleep deprived.

 

[Srain]

I don't see self-pity as such a bad thing. As with all things, too much is too much, but at times there is beauty in sorrow. Life is shit, and obscene, and ridiculous, and ominous, and comical. It's too easy to take it seriously. Maybe you need a new perspective? I know; easy to say, hard to do, but don't let someone else's definition ruin your own.

Very nicely put... I've read where "self-pity" actually has gotten a bit of a bad name to rethink what it really meant in terms of having pity on myself. Thinking just what does that mean.

It's always nice for me to get others view points to see how they fit, thank you.

peace,
Rain

 

[Glass Spine]

Glass Spine, I really like the way you think.

First time anyone's ever told me that. I seem to confuse most people. I had wondered whether my last post was a bit too preachy - if it was I didn't intend it.

Good to hear that you have such a high degree of self-knowledge. In difficult times, that should serve you well, although it would probably be sort of a burden at times too. I've concluded that anyone can parrot bits of wisdom (like I try to), but it takes a wise person to follow that wisdom. By that definition, I have a long long way to go. Just wanted to share that irrelevant revelation.

Incidentally, if you are inclined to continue sharing your thoughts, I would be more than happy to continue reading and commenting (provided they are welcome, of course). Either way, thank you and good fortune.