Every Day Is A Struggle

[reallydown]

Megan

You don't know me, nor I you. Sorry you are feeling down. Truthfully? And you want the truth, right? Not empty promises?

It will be tough. It will be up and down. Yes, you will feel like crap sometimes.

But, and there is always a "but"

You ask if it will ever end. I truly, truly believe that it can be better, BUT how much and the time line depends on you, to a very large extent. You have a few things going for you RIGHT now! Even though you are down and feel like crap, you came here and shared that. Awesome. Keep sharing. Keep examining yourself and what you feel and what YOU can do to heal. Don't know the steps you have taken. Just keep doing ANYTHING you can to make each day a little better by working to heal. And accept each small improvement and be proud of it.

ISH

Thanks, ISH....a good reminder to all of us!

 

[OKRADLAK]

I know how hard it is. I think it does get better. When I was young, it was worse. Because I had "potential" and was watching it erode. No real PTSD care, because they said only vets got it.

Now that I am older, well, no longer anything. No one thinks anything about me now.

In a way that's easier.

I am sorry you were told to fake it. That never helped me , either.

They know a lot more now than when I was young, so you have a MUCH better chance than I did, so please don't think I am saying all young people have a harder time. That was just me.

But I do wonder if being forced to live at a lower level, well, it's awful. My old self would cringe, but she is not here anymore, so now I am stupidier, less talented, and more tired and guess what.....happier than when I had a shot at a great education, a nice spouse, and a good job!

I guess it is called lowering my expectations? I hope this makes sense.I am in very much pain today. Can hardly walk. :(

 

[Jacquie]

I still miss *me*. I liked me. Other people liked *me*. This is like living in someone elses body and life. I miss *me*. There is no shine, no light, no joy. No brain sparks, no excitement, no spontaneity, no peace, no noticing things.....no details. Frankly its like a living death. Its like one of those people I used to look at and feel sorry for and wonder how they lived their life that way.

I miss me. And in a way I am still grieving for the loss of someone so vibrant, so alive, so ,,,,,,,,magic.

Most times I cant even taste food, or smell things.....its like being dead.

What the answer? No idea. This is where I am at. So I'm just trying to get to know this 'stranger' whose life and body I am trapped in.

 

[Megan]

I just wanted to let you know i'm still here.
i'm going to see a nurse practitioner tomorrow. I was going to see a psychiatrist in two weeks but I couldn't wait any longer feeling like crap. I have two trips coming up (September 20th & November 13). I'm not really looking forward to anything because I feel like crap. Hopefully the nurse practitioner will prescribe me something to take the stress away.
You know what's funny? I felt more independent in high school when i worked in the movie theatre and as a tele-marketer. Now i just don't know about my future. I have no one except my parents and some pen pals that i recently lost interest in writing for now. So i have no one.

I feel alone 24/7... even though i have family I just feel alone.

 

[heidi]

Oh how I relate. Everyday is a struggle. Maybe it gets better. Some people here seem to be doing better. I wanted to write out my feelings the other day on a blank page of paper. I felt like I had nothing else to say except help. It's hard when I hear people talk about feeling like their old selves are gone, because that's how I feel, and I'd like to think it's an irrational thought. No wonder I just cry so much. What else can you do?

Sorry, I was just vented. I see you were updating here. Glad to hear you have some hope with a new nurse practitioner. Shows you're not giving up. Guess you just have to keep trying things.

 

[Coolio]

 

[Megan]

I just got back from a nurse practitioner and was prescribed cymbalta...
Hopefully it will help.

 

[Anna Banana]

I still miss *me*. I liked me. Other people liked *me*. This is like living in someone elses body and life. I miss *me*. There is no shine, no light, no joy. No brain sparks, no excitement, no spontaneity, no peace, no noticing things.....no details. Frankly its like a living death. Its like one of those people I used to look at and feel sorry for and wonder how they lived their life that way.

I miss me. And in a way I am still grieving for the loss of someone so vibrant, so alive, so ,,,,,,,,magic.

Most times I cant even taste food, or smell things.....its like being dead.

What the answer? No idea. This is where I am at. So I'm just trying to get to know this 'stranger' whose life and body I am trapped in.

Jaquie, I couldn't have said it better...even when I was that other me, though, I knew I was just running in front of the train and believe me when I say I thought I was going to beat that train...but it ran me over and it feels life a physical pain most of the time now. Megan, the sleep part is the worst...I take Benedryl, Klonopin (which doesn't work anymore) and a PM pain medication, then read until 3 am if I'm lucky, to get to sleep. I have my Alzheimer's mother-in-law to care for and I made myself take her out to get her hair done at a fancy salon today. Yea Me! I actually went out and had to interact with someone and play the game of "I am normal." Small steps to make great strides someday.

Megan, don't focus on the you of the past...it's just too depressing. Try to stay in the here and now. Reading and writing is my passion and I've had two bouts of not being able to read a book for over a year each. The last one was one year ago, so if you're asking does it get better...YES. It is slow and we all want it to be now, but I've had a lot of help. Look for a therapist who specializes in PTSD or CPTSD. It's the different between someone telling you to fake it till you feel it and somebody explaining the world to you.

Yes, I miss having friends and my grown children treat me with kid gloves, but that's their problem, not mine. Am I saying that I never think about the me of the past? No, that would be a lie. I do remember when I thought I had a handle on life, but in reality, even then I knew something was wrong. We are just good at hiding it for so long, so let's give that person we use to be an Academy Award for acting normal for so long. I use to hate the new me, but I'm finding that the new me is a much stronger person and when I laugh, which took a lot of years for the first one to come, but when that first laugh came, it was gold. My true friends kept sending me funny YouTube things and jokes, so I guess it was inevitable that would happen.

It will come, so hang in there and if you need to scream and yell, I'm here along with a lot of other really great people who understand this dilemma of fitting into a new skin.

 

[heidi]

I can't remember if you have a pet or not. They really are helpful.

 

[jumpy3523]

Hi Megan,

I feel the same way now, but it is a roller coaster and sometimes we have to hit the dips to get the help we need. I'm 40 and had this problem my whole life. I'm just starting to deal with it seriously now. Just remember when you're feeling better we tend to deny that there is still an underlying problem that needs to be dealt with, and you will deal with it in your own time.I'm glad your seeking support, keep doing that! I really hope that you start to feel better soon. It's hell and I feel for you.