Relationship Kind Of At A Loss... Kind Of Just Giving Up

[May1321]

Everyone says when tragedy hits that they hope something good will come out of it.

I have been going back and forth for so long with my boyfriend primarily due to his "PTSD" from Combat.

I know there are a lot of books I can read, have read, etc. but nothing truly sobers the one NOT sufferering from the actual disorder than the loss of a loved one.

My cousin - my mom's first cousin and like sister - was in a fatal car wreck on my mom's birthday this last week. I found out yesterday and have had a doozy of a week myself dancing with the chaotic things that seem to keep happening with my car, the PTSD monster brought out by my sufferer's dad and the stress that tornado brings, trouble at home with my folks and $$ issues, and now this.

I'm grateful for so many tools out there and don't think I will stop educating myself but walking away has always been so hard. Mixed with the emotions of 'Yes, he is the greatest boyfriend I've ever had even with this disorder' 'He's trying and making steps to better himself' etc. etc. etc.

Feeling kind of sheltered from the truth these last few months as yes, things have improved... Well, the roof caved in. Caved in, I think, on who it is I am and want to be and what I want out of life. The truth has been a facade as I truly see what my feelings have battled... we don't even have a relationship. What parts we have are the exact parts I get removed from when his dad comes around or stress increases or he just needs space. I fight for existence for him, but truly, I also fight for existence of myself.

I'm not saying it can't get better, I'm just thinking I'm not helping and it isn't going to get better while I'm constantly waiting IN HIS FACE.

My cousin's husband was a closet alcoholic. Her family started to distance from the rest of us when I was younger and I was on the outside looking in as she attempted breaks away where she'd call on my mom... her cousin, best friend, sister. Eventually she finally broke away and her husband died of alcoholism several years ago after their divorce. These last 5 years or so, however, I've watched the darkness she lived in unveil itself to this happier woman. She had her family and finally found the love of her life. My middle girl cousin is getting married next year, and the other two are married with babies of their own. She was seeing my mom regularly which included Mom's Weekends down at the college both my brotehr and middle cousin attended. All was right in the world.

She's not going to make it. And this is very sobering and my feelings are all over the map. Though my boyfriend has broken away from his stress to be there for me some as I'm struggling to really graspy this and support my mom, I'm very aware of what our relationship IS NOT and though I don't want to give up on him, I feel as I owe it to true love and my cousin to not settle and wait for this monster to go away when after several chances, it's obvious he's not quite ready for chasing this monster away. Do I think he will? Yes. But it's not going to happen any time soon and I'm willing to work on navigating through what will be, but I think I owe it to both of us to step away while I'm still sane and have a bit of me left and he still has a bit of me that is positive.

Now just how to figure out how to say that to him while being true to my feelings but without him freaking out on me and telling me I'm acting crazy" which he's been doing lately when I even pose a question to him about what is going on about ANYTHING right now.

 

[May1321]

More thoughts...

I've been searching through sites, and other "points of view" which is helpful in understanding my boyfriend.... though it is hard to deal with everything, the hardest part is understanding what he's actually going through.

I wish he could just talk to me. It's like when everyone else comes into the picture, I get pushed out. I understand the affects of stress on him and how I can add stress but it's so hard. It's so hard stepping forward for weeks and then going backwards like we've accomplished nothing and everything is at a loss.

I don't know how to talk to him about it without being the "crazy girlfriend" even though the nice side of him thinks the world of me.

Maybe we as supporters to combat PTSD sufferers is a plus because they do just fall off the face of the earth for a while to regroup. I can't help but think that right now is a good time for me to do that too. It's just the rebuilding is hard... I have read about sufferers issues with trust and I've heard stuff from my sufferer... but why is it so hard for him to see that this hurts my trust?

Just completely lossed and exhausted of this.

 

[Navy Spouse]

Sorry to hear what your family is going through. I can see where it would get you thinking about life being too short.
I don't have any suggestions I just wanted to say you have a right to feel the way you do. I have often wondered if I were a girl friend instead of a spouse how long I'd be able to hang on. It's tough. Good luck to you with what ever you decide.

 

[Army_Brat_88]

I'm sorry about your issues May, I really am.

There's nothing worse than trying to fit a round peg into a square hole. No one ever wins. It's terrible to be caught in the inbetweens - other are happy, and while you're "kinda" happy, it's the "very" happy that you want ('you' in the general sense - not YOU particularly :))

I can understand many things you mentioned in your posts.

If you're becoming unhappy, that will permeate everything. He'll sense it, it'll hang in the air, and it may make things worse. Jeezalou - that's ANY relationship though.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day though. Sometimes we're at a point where we think we can't do this ONE MORE DAY - yet we go to bed, get up, and go through it once again when we swore we couldn't.

 

[IvyMillie]

I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time, with so many tragic things happening. It is good at times to think about what we want etc. However, with so much going on be sure to give yourself the space and time you need to make a sound decision. They always say when there is a loss--to not make any hasty decisions for a while.

However, you know what is best for you. I think it's good that you are realistic about what a sufferer of PTSD struggles with and may not be able to change much. Only you can decide if you can handle it long term.

I agree with Navy Spouce that once you are married it's a bit different--as we've already made the commitment. Many of us didn't really know what we were getting into, and for some their mates didn't get PTSD till after they were married. In you case you have the opportunity to opt out if you need to.

Many times the sufferer doesn't really understand how their illness affects people around them. So it is common for them to accuse us of being "crazy". It's their way of being defensive. I don't think they could ever get the magnitude of the affect on the rest of us. So I sincerely hope that when you speak your feelings you are prepared for that if that does happen. It's hard not to get hurt.

I hope the best for you.

 

[ProudWife99]

I completely agree with IvyMillie. I knew my husband had PTSD prior to our wedding, but had no idea what that meant. In our marriage it sometimes feels like we take about one step forward and fifty steps back, but I've tried to learn how to think of it differently. We can go through a couple good weeks with few problems, and then one week he doesn't want to be anywhere near me, thinks I'm crazy and it's my fault, and wants out. This is not my husband reacting to me, this is him reacting to the things he is going through. This is not my marriage failing, this is just a difficult aspect of my marriage and he needs the space, time, love, and support to know I understand. If I were his girlfriend, I'm not sure I would be able to do this or even that I would choose to.

I am so sorry this is so difficult on you guys and know first hand the tolls it can take on us personally. Do know that PTSD is a life long commitment and battle, it isn't cured. There is NO shame in needing to take care of you and make sure this is right for you, but strength in that. It takes more than love and loyalty to support someone with PTSD. Praying for you.

 

[sunshiney]

More thoughts...

I've been searching through sites, and other "points of view" which is helpful in understanding my boyfriend.... though it is hard to deal with everything, the hardest part is understanding what he's actually going through.

I wish he could just talk to me. It's like when everyone else comes into the picture, I get pushed out. .

I don't know how to talk to him about it without being the "crazy girlfriend" even though the nice side of him thinks the world of me.

Just completely lossed and exhausted of this.

You definitely read my mind this morning with the "crazy girlfriend" except I'm not longer the gf, just the rooommate. and I often times feel like he can talk to everyone else about everything, but he pushes me away...ughhhh exhausted and lost is the perfect words to describe my morning already...

 

[Srain]

(((((((((((May1321)))))))))

peace,
rain

 

[May1321]

((((Sunshiney))))

Thank you all for your words and encouragement no matter what the road brings.

Yes... the emotional roller coaster of a relationship and then throw in everything else life sends our way.

Things are calmer now... had some time to do some thinking. Sometimes you just have those full moon weeks and you realize that you too have stress and it can effect each other. Sometimes I think I just need to calm myself and not rush so much. Give it to "God" as my belief goes and take a step back for a bit.

My mom came to visit and we had a nice un-birthday dinner and shared some memories of our cousin which has helped with some closure.

My sufferer's calming down some, too, and his brother is now here working for him to help and taking the brunt of any explosions - *whew!* - so I get calm boyfriend later in the day. He's better if his stress is less even communicating with me... I just want want want when I'm all wound tight and realize I need to let go of my grip so he can work through this on his own.

One day at a time and just, as some of you mentioned, just having the choice in time to make a sound decision moving forward, and/or learn as much as I can. I'm just going to be grateful and take a breather. Hard times definitely put things in perspective and I've learned enough that as things seem to be reeling out of control, it usually is a sign you need to stop, drop and roll a bit to get things back in order.

Every day is a new day.

 

[sunshiney]

One day at a time and just, as some of you mentioned, just having the choice in time to make a sound decision moving forward, and/or learn as much as I can. I'm just going to be grateful and take a breather. Hard times definitely put things in perspective and I've learned enough that as things seem to be reeling out of control, it usually is a sign you need to stop, drop and roll a bit to get things back in order.

Every day is a new day.

One day at a time is exactly it....