How's Your Day Been? Each Day is Different, So Make Your Mark Daily

[wildfirewildone]

Got some Relief

This evening I was feeling so overwhelmed and got tearful over and over....I knew I needed to have a shoulder to cry on....so I called a friend in the building [the only person here I can trust especially not to let anyone know my business] I called and asked if I could come down and she said sure....so I first made me a big bowl of oatmeal [with raisins and cinnamon...YUM!]and ate it....then I went to see her and ended staying and talking to her and her to me...I got to talk about all my stressful events and my feelings....got so much off my chest....she's usually very empathetic!!! We compared notes about a few things and we chatted back and forth and I ended up down there for 3 hours....I feel like I've finally been able to let off the steam from the pressure cooker I've been living under!!!! She did say that she's heard that the manager is afraid of the black people and won't stand up to them....which explains a bit of why no action was taken on my complaints....the people who have traumatized me happen to be black...I am not against the entire black race...I have always tried to just get along with just about anybody...I am rescheduled for an inspection next week on Monday...manager is on vacation this week....I will call her secretary and inform her that I will be on vacation sta†ing Friday AM....can't say definately if what day I'll be back...[in reality I may stay with my sister-in-law for a day or two on my way back from camping] So I'll schedule for next Friday as I know I'll be home that day definately...I know that the manager can't legally take pictures like she stated in her letter...so I am going to call her on it!!!! Then I will ask just who actually makes the decision about transfers....I've always been intimidated my managers...fearing that if I don't be meek and mild I could lose my apt. Not so anymore!!!! I have my therapist and psychodoc in on getting me out of here....So now I have leverage!!! I still need to get this place in order and I better get wih it!!! Besides I am tired of the chaotic mess!!! I will call my psychodoc and have him call the assistant director of the housing authority..he offered to do that Monday but I wasn't sure about it...I have not heard anything from the manager about the letters that my psychodoc and my therapist sent....So I think it's time to turn up the "HEAT"!!!! Its so stressful too just to be sitting in limbo!!! and not being able to get straight answers [:doh: "I don't know" is not a specific answer to a question!!] I better leave a message on my psychodoc's message machine so he can call me back so that I can give him specifics what facts he needs to impress upon the assistant director....I know if the pressure is not kept up they'll just let things go on with no resolution!!!:angry-fla .....wildfirewildone
...........PEACE:tongue:

 

[piglet]

Its so stressful too just to be sitting in limbo!!! and not being able to get straight answers

I get you there WF. I'm at a no sleeping except nightmares stage with my waiting game at the moment. Strongly considering a visit to the doc to get something to knock me right out for a few hours.

I keep reminding myself that I'm doing everything I can to help my situation - as you are. We've just got to dig our heels in and hang in there. Little sentence, huge effort!

 

[anthony]

I do like that piglet... "little sentence, huge effort"

You hang in there, and hopefully things will come out in your favour...

 

[reallydown]

ever since my last counselling session i've been freaking out about the next one...that happens tomorrow...a part of me just feels like telling her that i'm fine and doing great and don't need to go anymore even though that's not the case...has anyone else felt this way before a session?

 

[anthony]

Yep... even tried it, at which point I was told to pull my head in and they could read me better than that. Attending counselling is a natural anxiety for us, but you must fight past that feeling, and attend your sessions, because the short term pain you endure now, is nothing compared to living a pretty normal life again once past this.

 

[Boo-Damphir]

Yesterday I posted my trauma diary then had to dash off to a veterinary appointment. When I returned home I spent the rest of the day cleaning, baking, watering the garden, doing laundry, vacuuming the stairs, mopping the downstairs floors.... Somewhere in there I even bathed a dog and washed the dishes.
Now mind you, this is really hard for me to do. I usually spread this much work out among 3 days or so. I showered and went to bed with every muscle and bone aching. It's now 2:45am here and as usual, I can't sleep.
Why the urgent need to stay so physically active that drove myself purposely to exhaustion? I think I was trying to avoid the feelings that the diary stirred up.
I have a T-shirt that reads, "I do it for the pain, the ink and the jewelry are just souveniers" (tattoos and piercings) Like cutting as a child, I still find myself needing to physically "feel" my emotions.:hit-boss:

 

[anthony]

Geez Boo... you know and self identify, as I would expect your capability too as a nurse, but then you get stuck with the no sleep. Your work effort is avoidance, no doubt about it, because as you are most likely well aware yourself, stirring emotions often sends us into unknown territory, feelings we don't know how to handle any more, feelings we don't want to handle.

What did you stir-up? What did you feel?

 

[Boo-Damphir]

I felt exposed, but not in an unsafe way. Just that after posting my diary I didn't have time to process "how" I felt about it, I just dashed out the door to our Vet appointment. Then (convinientyly LOL) forgot to give myself that time when I returned home.
So my words to describe what I was trying to feel: exposed but relieved, a bit drawn back into the trauma, and maybe a little bit of self pity/depression so I punished myself by over working.
It's my new "normal" to only sleep about 4 hrs at a time due to pain or monsters chasing me in my dreams.

 

[anthony]

The pain I can understand, but if monsters are still chasing you in your dreams, then trauma is still prevailing, and either you still have secrets hindering your trauma, or you still need to deal more with your trauma. I think we can get the monsters to go away though... with a little time, and your already well educated on PTSD I am presuming...

What I find really outstanding in you Boo, is your sheer strength and determination to not lie down and take this shit... you will beat it come hell or high water, PTSD is going under control. I find it really quite aspiring to see such positive reflections from you, as I already see your posts of encouragement and experience to others, which is outstanding, because we all need some of that experience and knowledge you have. I honestly think you are going to recover from this faster than most, which is great to see... because I can see it already in your attitude through your posts.

 

[Boo-Damphir]

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I was just pondering on your earlier question and it struck me that I have both the "Depression Workbook" and the "PTSD Workbook" I purchased several years ago. They are collecting dust on my bookshelf. I'm so good at running away! It's almost as if I'm afraid if I open the book cover something will jump out and gobble me up.
That's not realistic, but you get the gist of what I'm afraid of... not the book, not the questions, but the answers.
My goal for today is to start with one of those books and read a few pages, then give my time to digest what I've read.
~Boo

 

[anthony]

That is a great idea boo... and yes, I know what your afraid off, the same thing I was once also afraid off, though no longer am or plan on ever being again. I have those workbooks myself, and when time does permit me, I do plan on getting some pieces of them online here, as parts are very efficient in explaining and outlining particular instances within symptoms, which I believe anyone with PTSD could benefit. I say that because most with PTSD will not find the time to read an entire book, though with all the BS removed, they will find time to read the "to the point" parts that are pertinent to their needs.

I look at my past trauma nowadays, and feel it has only made me stronger... well, is still making me stronger. I have seen people dismembered, burnt, shot, head explode and even a race attempted to be extinguished because of their religion and beliefs... which was a tough one to deal with, especially when I was picking up some of that aftermath, but still, I look back and see what society can be, what it shouldn't ever be, I see parts as education and others as pain, but overall, it is now part of me, a part that I accept, I no longer am afraid off, I no longer have nightmares off, nor do I have flashbacks. My past does attempt to haunt me every now and then, but I can usually get it under control pretty quickly.

I can already see your headed for that exact same path Boo... because your one hell of a tough person to be in the frame of mind you are with what you have personally endured. I look forward to seeing your overall lifestyle get better...

I will leave the questions alone here though now, and cover them in your trauma diary instead... as I think you are going to find the handful of questions I just put there may tip you a little.

 

[YoungAndAngry]

now that I think of it...
I also have the PTSD workbook,
I've opened it, scanned the pages.
But managed to avoid doing any of the exercises.
lol, and I've had it since October!

Therapist appointment in 1 hour...
Kinda feel like throwing up,
oh how I hate anxiety