How's Your Day Been? Each Day is Different, So Make Your Mark Daily

[reallydown]

Today was a bit calmer but yesterday's counselling session was tough...So, my counsellor said it is in fact PTSD...even though I was pretty sure-- it's still tough to hear that...but at the same time a bit of a relief because I finally know. At least it's not an extreme case...

I was supposed to describe my memories and I just couldn't talk...As the stuff was coming to me I showed anger and the counsellor tried to get me to get it out. It was working for a little bit but then I stopped...I think I scared myself and there's so much more where that came from. I found myself walking down the street afterwards and just wanting to kick/hit/smash anything and everything in my way...Anyway, just feeling down right now and very sleepy even though I know I won't be able to sleep...I'll stop rambling though. Night.

 

[Nam]

Reallydown, you have come so far! If I hear you right, in one session, you were diagnosed for sure about ptsd and you proceded to tell your therapist about some of the memories. I think that is tremendous progress. Even if you didn't get very far, it takes time for the memories to process into words to describe to someone else. For a lot of us, it's just pure emotion that we feel and it is so difficult to describe it to someone else. For example, saying that I was terrified did not adequately describe what I was feeling during my emergence of memories. There just aren't words. I think that just opening up just a little is great. Progress is progress no matter how little. That's just a little bit closer to feeling better. Congrats!

Crunch time for me in this house. I'm preparing for my daughters birthday party and I'm admist a renovation. I've given myself a goal to have the living room finished. To give you an idea, the party is two weeks away, and I've yet to put in the floor. mmmmm? Stress anyone? But, it is positive. A challenge, I guess. I hope all of you are doing okay...

 

[reallydown]

Wow Nam-that sounds like a lot of stress!!! Good luck.
Thanks for the encouraging words. Sorry--I was a bit unclear...Memories were coming back to me but I didn't actually describe them to her....I just couldn't talk--my response was physical/emotional(tapping foot on the floor etc)...I got a little bit of the anger out by throwing a stress ball off the door as hard as I could.

 

[YoungAndAngry]

Wow reallydown,
thanks for clearing that up for me!
Every therapist told me that I am soo angry,
which suprised me because I never verbalized my anger to them.

BUT, I always couldn't control the physical symptoms...
I'm a HUGE foot tapper when I get angry, and I'm trying to hide it. (aka: therapists office)

so that's how they knew!

crazy, stressful week.
Went to the Doctors office last week.

Now, I used to pride myself in being a very tolerant person...
...but this lady... OMG....
k, she sits directly beside me, and proceeds to blow her nose quite loudly in her kleenex.
Which (sorry if you do this... but it's my thoughts) is disgusting.
But I didn't flinch... and had no intention on making any issue of something so stupid.

So then I spend the next 1 1/2 hours listening to her sniff sharply on each inhale of breath...
I couldn't ****ing take it, seriously....
...each damn breath...

I was trying to be understanding...
I mean, I have a nasal injury that prevents me from breathing through my nose.
So I know disabilities/conditions/etc. are sometimes unavoidable...
but she wasn't even trying to not sniffle... she just did it...
for 90 long minutes....

about 75 minutes into it I literally felt myself snap.
My foot started tapping...
... I furiously solved my soduko book, trying to distract myself...
but still the sniffing cut right threw my body with each sound.

I started chewing my gum... loud...
just enough to piss off the people immediatly around me...
I literally couldn't stop...

When the lady stopped sniffling (about 1 minute into my gum snapping)
I stopped chewing my gum loudly...
then she started sniffling...
I proceeded to gum chew...
...and so it continued...

Now I wonder how I could of let myself act so childishly in public.

Since then, I've been sleeping abit more...
the nightmares just suck,
they prevent your mind from resting.

Take care everyone

 

[Nam]

YA, 90 minutes!! Don't they have a sign that says if you haven't been seen in 20 minutes, please see the front desk? You had quite a bit of stamina in my opinion. I don't know if what you did was childish either. The other option would be to yell and scream and tell her off? I would think that would be much more childish. The gum snapping thing just cracked me up. (I'm sorry if you don't think it's funny....) Just visualizing you next to her and hearing the sniff, sniff, smack, smack! HA! I hope you do get some rest, peaceful, nightmare-free rest and feel better soon.

Reallydown, the memories will come out. I believe they will. I felt so cornered when I had to tell in order for her to diagnose me. I knew if I told, the dam would break, and I'd go looney. And, sorry to say, that's precisely what happened. But it got much better after that. Her insight after the first few memories helped me so much. Ease into it, and go for it. Spit it out....see what happens. You just might feel relief...that finally someone else knows and you no longer have to carry the burden alone.

 

[anthony]

I am kinda finding that a bit funny too YA... sorry. I was just doing the whole mental imagery thing... you, her, sniff, chew, sniff, chew... that would crack me also, hence why I think it is kinda funny... maybe it hits so close to home, so I have to laugh now before it cracks me some time in a doctors office!!!

 

[YoungAndAngry]

lol, yeah... coming back to that last post...
it is pretty funny
I wonder what the people around us were thinking about our "annoying noise battle", heehee

And that's exactly how it was too, lol!
*sniff, *snap!... *sniff *snap!... pause.... *sniff, *snap! ... pause... lol
I always made sure she sniffed before I chewed

Now everytime I'm in a doctors office I'm gonna chuckle, :)


Started my morning in a horrible horrible mood,
blew up at the boyfriend... I put on the quite the scary show... :(
so I came on here to vent,
...but that giggle cheered me up alot,

Take care everyone!

 

[annafennutchi]

Hey.

It's been awhile since I have been around, lots of crap going on...

I had a real surprise about 3 weeks ago-I am pregnant! #3!!!

At first I had no idea how at this time I could handle this, but I know that I will make it. I am having terrible mood swings, and I can't eat enough jalapenos. But for the most part, all is well.

Great news, our clinic is getting a new psycologist, no not psychiatrist, but she specializes in PTSD and substance abuse. I figure it is a great place to get my feet wet as far as therapy goes. Plus, I can see her for free!

I am still struggling with nightmares, I can't get rid of them. I am also still struggling turning my brother in, part of me really wants to, but I want to make sure that my motives are not evil. My nephew said that he overheard him asking another kid if they'd had sex yet & that he didn't think that it was right he would be asking a kid that question. Having heard that I just have to know that he can't create more victims to me turning him in is the only way to make that happen. HELP!!!

Take care, all.

 

[YoungAndAngry]

Hey Anna,

Congratulations on the pregnancy,
you can do this!
and I'm glad things are going well for you
(and make sure your hubby keeps lots of jalapenos stocked for you )

I hear your frustration on having nightmares...
boy I wish there was a "quick magic solution",
I think we just have to work through our thoughts and feelings...
all the stuff our poor brains are trying to sort through while we sleep.

 

[anthony]

Anna,

Congratulations... You know... children are a unique blessing upon us with PTSD, because they are an innocent human that shows us no prejudice, as adults do. They bring immediate calm to everything we think is so awful within the world... they truly are a miracle. That is great news...

The nightmares will go away Anna, as you work through your trauma. The more your push yourself and go into the uncomfortable zones, the more response your brain will get to your fears, thus the faster the recovery becomes. It sounds silly, in that you have to get sick to get better, but it is factual proven time and time again... as this is how our minds work. To make ourselves sick from dealing with our past, allows parts of our brain to grow larger, thus become more capable to handle the day to day aspects of life, thus our fears and past become a smaller part of our brains, instead of consuming them as they may be currently.

Great news about the new staff in your local center... excellent to hear, and free is just that bit better. I like free...

 

[anthony]

YA... you are making such great improvement... and I mean that. You where a mess when you first got here, and now, you blew up at your boyfriend, come here, released, had a chuckle, feel better now, and no doubt will chat with your boyfriend later. When you first got here, you would have blown up, not talked with anyone for days, and not been able to laugh about your own doing's.

Bloody well done...

 

[wildfirewildone]

More trouble here

:boxem: Found out this AM [from my nextdoor neighbor whose pot usage causes me breathing problems] that the druggie neighbour down the hall [who threatened my life!!!!] has been listening at my apt door :eek: :eek: I guess that he wants to know what I'm doing so he can carry on his illegal drug activities!!! ....still creepy!!!!! Then this evening....sounds of metal balls hitting each one in a string with this being repeated over and over....it sounded like it was coming from the outside as I had my living room window open since it was a nice breezy day....just sat in my chair and gritted my teeth:angry-fla HOW MUCH MORE CAN I TAKE?????!!!!.....Last night I started a protocol of leaving my wheelchair against the door of my apt. and locking my wheels real HARD!!!! I am once AGAIN call the police LT. tomorrow AM about getting the phone harassment problem investigated!!!!....I will let him know that I need a detective to get on this investigation TODAY if not YESTERDAY!!!! I feel that I have beem more than PATIENT!!!! I will also remind him that his mother told me if I had a "police matter" that I was to call HIM!!!!! So what's been the problem???? Tomorrow night I'll open up my document that was my origional request to move to OBERLIN [a very much quiter place to live in!!!!] ...then I'll take the part that tells about the death threat I received and send a copy to my manager with cc. to this Ed Garcia and the Assistant Director and the Director of this housing authority....Then I'll ask why is this person still living here???? And what happened to getting after the guy who accosted me in our elevater????.....All of this is soooo stressing especially since it seems that no one is doing anything about these situations....It says in their mission statement that they provide a SAFE environment.......
...Really???!!! :boxing: ...wildfirewildone.....PEACE