I do hope you make a contact with the domestic violence people.
:)
Me too!
This is very triggering for me as well. The only person I've have ever been truly afraid of was a sociopath..maybe a psychopath...not sure at this point. Although my father was a true sociopath as well, I lost all fear of him in my early teens. But this man I married in my early 20s was the most frightening person I have ever run across ever.
When I would leave, he would end up in the hospital with a heart attack - - but what did I get from everyone, "go see him, he's asking for you, he needs you, he's working so hard on his 'anger issues' " ............I go, I want to choke him-see how he likes it- but then I feel like have to do this...everyone I work for is there, people I respect at a job I love, they gave me a chance I really needed, they believed in me....I give him the chance...
I end up with him doing it all over again and worse. Pulled around the house by my hair, punching me in the face when I screamed unwillingly, grabbing knives, I've never been so afraid in my life.
I left town literally on a midnight train, I didn't come for 10years, then only for a quick visit. I lived in terror. I changed my name, I got a low key divorce and I lost EVERYTHING. When I learned he died I felt nothing.
I can why this is very triggering. I had the same except it was with my father.
Thanks for sharing!
No it'll be alright. He will go.
If he doesn't go then it might be time to move in to a women's domestic violence shelter until he does.
I know it is a bit stupid but once you have done something like that once (or a couple of times) you will be taken
much more seriously by bureaucracy. It would help getting an order out against him as well or the police assisting you getting him out (depending on the legislation of your area).
It would damage his image as well - no one goes to a women's shelter unless their desperate or homeless, on the whole.
I guess it's all part of their MO isn't it - strip away our awareness of our own needs and rights in favour of their own.
MD
You are spot on there in my opinion MD.
What evolutionary purpose does it serve?
I was thinking about that - just the other day.
The bit that hurts the most is that it happened in the first place. I mean, he groomed me, but just the fact that I thought it was normal. I still can't believe it. Its because my Father was so abusive, I didn't know the difference. My Father had all these awful things happen to him growing up too so that's how he did it: He gave us this huge disclaimer about what happened to him which was supposed to excuse his behavior. Sneaky.
Bullying and abusing your children sets them up for life.
It is the gift that keeps on giving, even after the initial abusers (your parents) are dead!
God, it makes me sick to remember, sick and dead inside. That's what they do to us, suck the warmth and hope out of us like some sort of human cancer, and sometimes it's happened before we even realise it.
Ug, yuk.
Maddog
Indeed and it is so hard to get rid of all that excess ugliness that they bring in to our lives.
I am so relating to this thread!
I am struggling with that too. I seem to have justified myself that it was OK. In fact I have been worried that I have been damaging him, that he will break and end up commiting suicide. I was worried for him, not for myself.
I thought it was me, that it was my fault. And I still have it in the back of my mind , even now, that it is me and I have just made a big deal over nothing and he is really a good bloke. It is still there. Have to fight those thoughts so hard.
That type of depersonalisation is challenging to deal with, where you have lost contact with yourself and only feel for someone else, who is abusive to you.
The whole self blame dynamic as I see it today is that we blames ourselves as children because it is the only way we can stay alive from the abuse of our parents.
I will still use the excuse that the violence did not happen that often, that is still in my head, but I know it was unacceptable now and I know he is not taking it seriously, he really has no guilt. And it is the risk that he will do it again and in front of the children, which happened last year and he still thinks that is just one of those things that happens. I provoked it. Anyway, no point in going over that. I am now woken up to his behaviour, now realise my complex trauma has led me to accept it and that is not going to happen anymore.
I feel concern that there is an element of derealisation about him and his physical violence.
I hope you will be okay. I hope your T can help you to see what the violence is and for you not to be so disconnected from the violence.
Lizio, I wanted to comment on something you said a few messages back about not wanting to congratulate yourself until you know you weren't going to fall on your face... you know, at some point, you probably will, because we all do, especially when we're embarking on a climb as steep and dotted with potholes as the one you're about to commence. I hate to quote a cliche, and please don't feel that my meaning is devalued by doing it, but truly, it's not whether or not we fall over that counts, it's whether we get back up again. Y
I don't think it's wise to aim for the end goal at a time like now. You deserve congratulations for the sheer act of having gotten to where you are - stuck firm to your desire to have him gone, begun planning your next steps, etc. You need to congratulate yourself for each successful step you take along the road, even the tiny shuffling tentative ones, because they are the ones that count. The end goal will speak for itself when you get there.
Maybe just the tiniest self-congratulations to you then hey?
MD
I think that this is an important one for all of us to keep in mind.
Hi All,
...Sociopath or Psychopath... Even clinicians struggle diagnosing them at first sight.
My psychiatrist said the same thing last Tuesday.
Says things like he is bothered he has done something, like punch me in the mouth and choke me.
I would suggest that down playing his violence might not end well for you in the long run.
Please be careful.
That is why my approach is to try and avoid interacting with him. But with kids, virtually impossible.
In Australia we have drop off centres where parents can drop off and pick up their children without having to see their partner. A number of people use police stations. If you go to the domestic violence shelter or see domestic violence police officer there are options that may be there for you.
You may be able to not see him or deal with him if you go through those channels.
It is important not to feel the victimisation from him will occur, as you have to deal with him about the children. Other wise that will become a self for filling prophecy.
Your T could negotiate the times and places for you (well that happens in Australia).
Getting the assistance of trained professionals in domestic violence are would be important.
It doesn't matter if you have proof or not. You have the truth in your head. You can tell the DV professionals
what has happened. I would be pretty sure that they have dealt with this type of thing before.
You can even request supervised access in regards to your children.
Moving in to a domestic violence with your children if he doesn't move out this weekend could be a way of beginning to deal with all your issues and get proper, appropriate advice from people that are trained in the local legislation as well as keeping you safe.
Even if you stayed in the domestic violence shelter for a couple of weeks - you and the kids could have a break.
Your neck and back could have time to stop spasming.
Your children could have a breather from living in an intensely agitated home environment where everyone is almost too scared to breath because it might "provoke" their father. The immense emotional damage that occurs in children in this situation can be short circuited if they are in a domestic violence shelter - other kids to relate to and talk to things about (a little like a version of this forum) and some thing to say. "Yes we had to go to the women's refuge to be safe."
Even ringing them and asking how to set up therapy for your children might be a good strategy as well. Your children will need therapy as time goes on as they are living in this situation as well.
Thinking of you,
ms spock
