Hi All, Fiancee Has Ptsd

[living4jesus]

Hello all, I am new here, I am engaged to a disabled Vet from the Gulf War.

He was a Ranger and has PTSD and it seems to be getting worse as time progresses. He is not abusive at all or anything like that, just has turned very cold hearted, has pushed me away, and is not the same loving caring man I fell in love with.

We have been together for almost four years. He has always had the PTSD but kept it buried inside or numbed himself to it. But it has gotten so bad lately that we have postponed our plans of marriage, and getting a house together because he isn't sure he is emotionally available all the time. He bounces back and forth with that and I am not sure I want to bring my kids who have experienced a lot already in their life into a home with PTSD.

It is so frustrating because I am a person who sees things through rose colored glasses and always tries to make the best of any situation. I have been there to listen to him and I just wish he would get better. All of this has been putting me in a depression because I am letting his PTSD affect me and how I feel about myself and I know that is not good. I have been trying to become more emotionally independent so I can handle his PTSD better on the emotional side of it. It is very hard and breaks my heart because I love him so much, and we have such a wonderful relationship. He is such a wonderful loving kind man.

We both have children from previous marriages, and I want nothing more then to be with this man and all of our children in one home but his PTSD has progressed so much that he seems like he is on a rollercoaster, some days he is cold and hard, some days he is loving and caring, and that puts me on a rollercoaster of emotions as well. I am trying to study up on PTSD and focus on not letting his PTSD affect me and how I feel about myself but it is very hard. I want to be there to support him and help him in any way I can but sometimes it is so hard because I feel like he pushes me away now more then ever. Ever since we became engaged it seems like this about 2 years now.

Sorry if I rambled, it took a lot for me to post anything at all on here, but I need to know that I am not the only one out there that is going through this.

<Paragraph breaks inserted by cherryblossom>

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum.

 

[living4jesus]

Thanks:)

 

[Army_Brat_88]

l4j -

You are definately not alone. Do a search on this site for "combat ptsd", and you'll have material to read for days on end. It will not give you answers on what to do necessarily, but you can see you're not the only one to be on an emotional roller coaster.

Obviously you are a God fearing person, and continue on with that. Praying daily will save your sanity. I can't tell that you that He'll tell you what to do, he currently has his hands full with my million questions and requests, but you can stand in line -- behind me! :)

AB

 

[BigBear]

Hi L4J,

The studying on your part is critical. His seeing Therapists on his side is also critical.

About wanting PTSD not to affect you. I think that is those rose colored glasses again. If you saw someone burning a child with a cigarette, would you not get emotional? Of course not! Your man has been through many kinds of hell and the demons are trying to pull him back down. Of course that is going to tear at you. The important thing is to hold it at bay enough to stay 1) completely able to care for the children, and 2) able to be there for him. Anything less just won't do.

I know you've got a good heart, so I also know that you can do this.

Bear

PS: Welcome!

 

[living4jesus]

Thank you Army_Brat_98 :) I will search the forums and do some reading , I see a lot of good things on this site. I cant imagine what my fiancee feels and has gone thru , and I wish I could understand how he feels. I am hoping this site will help me understand Combat PTSD better too.

I couldn't agree more, praying and talking with God daily has been my sanity and my comfort, hahaha okay I'll stand in line behind you. God can handle all our requests, I mean he is God right. :) I think I expect god to fix everything right away, but I know that its all in his time not mine, I am learning patience thru all of this. :)


Thank you Bear! I know I need to be emotionally stable enough to deal with the kids and help him, which I am able to do most of the time except when he completely pushes me away, that hurts. But my problem is that I put on my compassion and stable mom hat for the kids and my fiancee but I end up harboring hurt and resentment and pain inside and I am causing myself to get depressed and like you said, there's really no way to look at the PTSD with Rose colored glasses, it stinks! :( .

I have such a hard time not taking his PTSD personally. I tend to beat myself up and think that everything is my fault, but I am learning that encouraging self talk is great for me. So I make sure that I am taking special time to myself to refresh and renew my mind and self esteem. He is in therapy, well just finished 6 weeks of therapy, I am praying that he goes back for more, but I am learning I cannot force him to do anything, he has to want to do it for himself. And that's the hard part for me to accept.But I continue to pray and hope that his PTSD will get better and that I will be stronger every day.

Wow I love that so many people have replied and showed so much support already. I was really nervous to post anything on this but the caregiver part has really taken a toll on me lately and I needed support from others that understand. My family doesn't understand, my friends don't understand, and it is just nice to have people that do understand.

<Paragraph breaks inserted by CB>

 

[Army_Brat_88]

I was really nervous to post anything on this but the caregiver part has really taken a toll on me lately and I needed support from others that understand.

You really won't be able to do it without unleashing on this site. Even when you take comfort that there are others in this boat with you, you will STILL have times where you can barely function :confused:

My family doesn't understand, my friends don't understand, and it is just nice to have people that do understand.

It's how most of us are

I've made some book recommendations on here: "After the War", and "Once a Warrior, Always a Warrior". Read them. They are great tools for both you and your fiancee.

 

[living4jesus]

Thank you AB . I know I need to be able to just unleash on this site, I think as I get more and more comfortable with the site and the people I can. yeah I know there will always be times when I can barely function, I keep telling myself if God brings me to it he will see me thru it.

I just want to hold strong and not give up on my man, I know he can do this, its hard to not throw in the towel and just be done! But then thats that emotional rollercoaster im on . LOL . I will pick up those books I love to read and need to read more on this issue. But when I try to help him with PTSD information lately he acts as if I am nagging him about it and pushes me away further, so I silently support him and listen to him and study up on it on my own and hope and pray that he gets the will to overcome this. :confused:


I just ordered the book once a warrior always a warrior. Thanks AB:D

 

[Army_Brat_88]

Well, we're supposed to believe that our happiness and desires are to be set aside for others, but when you live daily with this stuff in your life it's almost an impossible task.

It's said time and again that all we can do as supporters is read and learn - then hold on. The REAL issue is if they stay on the road to getting and maintaining help. They have to do the real work. Yeah, you can't push them to get that help, you have to hope they will just do it, otherwise it won't work. Maybe having those books in close reach will help it along!

 

[living4jesus]

Yes, you're absolutely right, the hardest part for me is accepting that there is nothing I can do to force his hand to want to get help for the PTSD.

I am heartbroken that our wedding was put off, and that basically our future is hanging by a thread and I don't know what to do. So I just pray, and cry a lot. I don't even know how to react when he is so stone cold hearted, even though he explains to me that he loves me and is in love with me but he feels like a hardened infantryman and usually a day later he is fine, but lately it seems like its been ongoing for a month non stop now. I get to start thinking that he wouldn't care if I just told him it was over. Then I start taking it personally to myself. But I know if I told him it was over he would care. I know that truly in my heart.

Ugh sorry rambling and venting LOL. I could go on and on, I have kept so much in for a year or more now that im overflowing with emotions LOL.

<Spelling edited, and paragraph breaks inserted by CB>

 

[Army_Brat_88]

I understand everything you wrote. I could wear it as a t-shirt or put it on a bumper sticker on my car. It IS frustrating. It's a hellish cyclical nightmare. You're supposed to come on here venting and rambling so that you can function better when you're away from this site. But, if he's telling you he loves you then you perhaps need to just take his word for it because it does sound legit. That's more than some can admit to. Many ppl on this site learn how to move past the cold heartedness and not take it personally. I don't know how, but they do. Postponing the wedding is probably best because who wants to start married life with a mess? This is your testing period. If you have a Bible with topic references in the back, read about love and commitment. They both have to transcend our feelings. Jesus probabably had days he didn't feel like healing the masses at some point, but with some solitude and time alone, he was able to gain the strength to do it.

 

[living4jesus]

Jesus probabably had days he didn't feel like healing the masses at some point, but with some solitude and time alone, he was able to gain the strength to do it.

Wow Amen, thank you, your absolutley right, I need to look to God for the strength and guidance in this. I have been taking my time alone on my days off work and that has helped to a point.

I will look up love and commitment in the bible tonight, thats a really good idea. Maybe the more I educate myself on PTSD the less I will take it personally?

Also, your very right, I need to take his word for it when he says he loves me. But it just hurts when he tells me that he is emotionally unavailable and doesnt know if there is hope. But feeling hopeless part of PTSD? I probably should be the one holding on to the hope for both of us right now. I really wish I was the kind of person that could move past cold heartedness and learn not to take things personally.