Writing About One Trauma

[missing_the _sunshine]

My T gave me some homework about a month ago to write about one of my previous traumas. It started off very brief and is now becoming more detailed.

I am becoming increasingly frustrated and disappointed in myself because I still seem to be struggling with the same amount of reactions, emotions and freaking out and just want things to improve.

What am I doing wrong?

 

[maddog]

Writing about past traumas for someone else, such as your T, can be a really constructive way of beginning to process these events, but it's also really difficult, and painful, and frighteningly lonely in the beginning. You said you were tasked with this about a month ago? Have you discussed it with your T since then? Have you been continuing to develop the narrative in response to discussions with your T, or are you just working on this solo in between sessions?

Let us know a bit more of the context of how you're approaching this therapy. I can be pretty sure of one thing though - you're not doing anything rong. It's not a process of right or wrong, just a reality that this is long, painful, drawn out and extremely tough in the meantime.

Let us know how you're doing.

Maddog

 

[missing_the _sunshine]

You said you were tasked with this about a month ago? Have you discussed it with your T since then? Have you been continuing to develop the narrative in response to discussions with your T, or are you just working on this solo in between sessions?
Maddog

Thanks for your reply Maddog.

I have been working on it probably every 2nd day. My T will ask me how I am going with it and that once I feel comfortable with the quality of it and the language, structure, detail etc then to bring it in to a T session to discuss. I am struggling to get it how I want it, how I think it should be...I keep forgetting parts.

I just think that if I was doing it correctly then maybe things (symptoms) when writing would have eased a little.

Just very, very frustrated and getting drained!

 

[maddog]

If I could make a suggestion, which you are of course free to take or leave, I would recommend you take it in to your T now, let her have a read and then have some discussion of it as is. It doesn't have to be perfect or complete - you may actually feel as though it is never quite "finished", but I think that when you're doing a process such as this, it's important to have some validation, some feedback and some healthy sharing as you go along, otherwise it can be quite overwhelming, which it sounds as though you are finding it right now.

Even if you continue working on it after the discussion, I think maybe you might benefit from just sharing the detail after having carried it alone for so long.

All of the negativity and pain is all part of the processing, and sadly, they aren't things that will go away quickly. I really hope you're able to share this with your T soon.
Maddog

 

[missing_the _sunshine]

If I could make a suggestion, which you are of course free to take or leave, I would recommend you take it in to your T now, let her have a read and then have some discussion of it as is. It doesn't have to be perfect or complete - you may actually feel as though it is never quite "finished", but I think that when you're doing a process such as this, it's important to have some validation, some feedback and some healthy sharing as you go along, otherwise it can be quite overwhelming, which it sounds as though you are finding it right now.

Thanks Maddog for taking time to reply and give me some ideas. I will be seeing my T in a couple of days so will give it a try and see what she says.

Thanks again I really appreciate it.

 

[maddog]

Let us know how it goes, ok?

Maddog

 

[Hashi]

Well done for working on this and starting to write it out. For me, that has been a very healing thing, but I completely acknowledge how difficult it is.

I don't know if this could help, but I do a sort of disclaimer to my therapist before I read anything out. I talk about my concerns that I might feel different about it later, might want to say more, might want to change something, might want to take something back. I'm so cautious, it's almost like a legal "reserve the right to..." thing. My therapist agrees to that, so I feel OK about reading something because I know I really can change it later. It's so valuable to talk to my therapist about it, I'm glad I've found this approach. Without it, I'm not sure what I wrote would ever be "ready" enough to discuss. But discussing it - in whatever form it's in - is really helpful to me.

I hope you feel able to take it with you next time you see your therapist. It could actually be helpful to talk about it before it's the "finished version", if you feel able to agree with your therapist that it isn't.

Good luck, and again well done for working on this. :tup:

Hashi

 

[missing_the _sunshine]

Let us know how it goes, ok?

Maddog

I took what I had done so far to my T appointment this week. To be honest worked myself up into quite a state. I gave it to her and then she asked whether or not I had finished it or whether it was still a work in progress. I said that I felt it still needed some work She said that she was not going to start to discuss it with me in sessions until I felt that it was 'finished'.

I really struggled not totally sure that I understand all of my thoughts - had to leave the room a couple of times to be sick.

 

[maddog]

Oh mate...

I'm sorry, I am trying not to be judgmental, given that I wasn't there and don't have the full context, but this seems like a very unfortunate response in my view. I think you deserved better... I think she was wrong, very wrong.

I totally appreciate that it may be too difficult for you under the circumstances, but could you consider conveying to her somehow why you feel it would be helpful for you to discuss the "unfinishe" version now? I'm not sure why the need for a "finished" product, but perhaps, in her defence somehow, she hasn't grasped the significance of this task to you or how difficult and confronting it has been?

I wish I had something more for you, and I'm sorry that my suggestion has backfired so badly for you. This makes *me* feel a little sick actually.

Would it help to post your "unfinished" account here, perhaps in a trauma diary? Desperately trying not to overstep the mark, but just wishing for some positive feedback/support for you.

Stay in touch...

Maddog

 

[missing_the _sunshine]

Oh mate...

I'm sorry, I am trying not to be judgmental, given that I wasn't there and don't have the full context, but this seems like a very unfortunate response in my view. I think you deserved better... I think she was wrong, very wrong.

Maddog

Thanks for your reply. Not really sure either - really like my T though so don't want to say anything against her as I am sure that she knows what she is doing. I was thinking that maybe she needs me to 'get to a particular head space' before we delve any deeper...not really sure just clutching at straws.

She called the next day to see how I was.

I don't want you to feel bad for your suggestion either and don't think that it has 'backfired' in my eyes - as I think that it was a pretty big step for me that I actually showed her the recount. Whether the finished or unfinished version. Thanks again for your support. I am not sure whether I can put it into my trauma diary at the moment - but will be working towards it. Thanks again Maddog.

 

[maddog]

You need to do whatever feels right for you right now. I know that sounds like simplistic advice, but I think it's true. And I shouldn't have implied negatives about your T when I know nothing of the situation really...

Just hoping you can find some validation in this trauma soon. It can be such a lonely and scary burden to carry alone, but can feel so much better, albeit in a very painful frightening way, to share it. I hope you have that opportunity soon if it's right for you.

I do hope you'll let us know.

Maddog

 

[anthony]

I think your therapist did the right thing actually... because this is about you, not about her. Your story is about you and when you feel its complete, not when she thinks its complete.

Its a process, it doesn't come with a timeline... you set the timeline, nobody else. She did exactly the right thing by leaving it until you're satisfied its complete.

The process has an aim, and that aim is not what you think, being symptom reduction. The aim is to capture a complete story of an event so that all aspects can be explored with you to find resolution, thus symptom reduction. Using only part of the story will only cause more harm than good.

I have seen this time and time again myself helping people. They tell me most of the story, but either leave something out as a secret or thinking its irrelevant, usually the most relevant aspect... OR... they actually don't remember parts of it until their memory remembers naturally in their own due time.

When you have the full story, excluding the above two aspects, then symptom reduction occurs when used correctly to find resolution.

When the person just isn't getting any better, then that is the signal that either of the above is occurring, being secrets or memories not yet recalled fully.

Don't over-think a simple task that has been given to you. Just concentrate on the task, read over it to help jog your memory and fill in any blanks to the best of your ability, and when you believe its complete and accurate, give it to your therapist for reading and discussion.

Right now, you're not going to get any symptom reduction because you are currently still within your abusive environment. When that changes, symptoms will change as well.