K
Kb3
At the root of it all is hatred for myself. I am selfish, I am spoiled, I am attention seeking. I do nothing for anyone which does not have an ulterior motive to help myself.
I am lazy, self centered and manipulative. If I can get someone else to do the work for me, I let them.
I have arrived at age 44 with no job qualifications despite an expensive education. I have no confidence to get a job, or that I will be able to get along with the people that I would work with. I am totally dependent on my husband.
I have three kids which I have neither the energy or motivation to support emotionally in a consistent way. The basics get done, but that is all. They are growing up learning that I am unpredictable, sad, angry and not to be relied upon.
My husband married me when I had a successful job, friends and a future. Now I am nothing more than an expensive burden which he must wonder when he can set down.
I spend the nights panicking about how I am doing everything wrong, half the day defensive, and the other half depressed. Despite almost two decades of therapy and enough psychiatric medication to numb an army, I am no better. I always seem to fall back down into the same hole.
My grandfather sexually abused me when I was three. Growing up he and my father told me that I would never be good enough, that I am useless. They were right, and I am tired of trying to prove them wrong. I just want to lie down and sulk for the rest of my life.
Tomorrow or even later today I will feel better and hate myself for writing the words that I just did. I will tell myself that it's not really this way and that I was weak to give in and admit it. Admitting makes it real, and people will point and stare at the dirty, ruined girl; my secret will be out, never to be retracted. I won't have my safe lie to hide in anymore.
Besides, I have no right to blame other people for my character flaws, and it wasn't even that bad compared to what other people go through. Why can't I just get over it?
I am lazy, self centered and manipulative. If I can get someone else to do the work for me, I let them.
I have arrived at age 44 with no job qualifications despite an expensive education. I have no confidence to get a job, or that I will be able to get along with the people that I would work with. I am totally dependent on my husband.
I have three kids which I have neither the energy or motivation to support emotionally in a consistent way. The basics get done, but that is all. They are growing up learning that I am unpredictable, sad, angry and not to be relied upon.
My husband married me when I had a successful job, friends and a future. Now I am nothing more than an expensive burden which he must wonder when he can set down.
I spend the nights panicking about how I am doing everything wrong, half the day defensive, and the other half depressed. Despite almost two decades of therapy and enough psychiatric medication to numb an army, I am no better. I always seem to fall back down into the same hole.
My grandfather sexually abused me when I was three. Growing up he and my father told me that I would never be good enough, that I am useless. They were right, and I am tired of trying to prove them wrong. I just want to lie down and sulk for the rest of my life.
Tomorrow or even later today I will feel better and hate myself for writing the words that I just did. I will tell myself that it's not really this way and that I was weak to give in and admit it. Admitting makes it real, and people will point and stare at the dirty, ruined girl; my secret will be out, never to be retracted. I won't have my safe lie to hide in anymore.
Besides, I have no right to blame other people for my character flaws, and it wasn't even that bad compared to what other people go through. Why can't I just get over it?
