Sufferer New, Ptsd From Afghanistan

[Dan]

First off I want to thank all of you here that have shared and given advice, and those of you who just listen. I'd never heard of a PTSD forum before I started dealing with it myself. I hope to find some comfort and clarity here as I start to understand my condition. Here is my story. Please understand that due to the nature of my job, certain details must be omitted.

I recently got back from Afghanistan where I was a team leader for an Army bomb squad unit. I was one of just a few in my area, so I was constantly working. I've seen vehicles blown apart in front of my eyes, picked up the pieces of other soldiers and Afghans, and fired my weapon in self defense. The part that gets to me the most is one single image: a little girl. Due to no particular reason a mortar fell short of it's target and came through the roof of her home, killing a small boy, two small girls, her father, and her uncle. She was the only survivor. As we approached the scene our convoy was stopped by locals and her and her family were brought to us. I was one of the first on scene. She was given to me, then to the medic who tried to do everything he could for her. She had this little sound she kept making, almost like a cry or wimper that she couldn't quite make. The entire time the medic was working on her, I was at his side digging gauze and water from his bag. She stared at me the entire time, until she died.

Her little cry and her face are what I can't get out of my head the most. Other than that is the smell. I'm sure you all know that when you die, you evacuate your bowels. It's pretty hard to stay away from that smell with small kids. My infant daughter makes almost the same sound when she's tired or when she starts to cry. It's been difficult adjusting to being home and dealing with it. I can't stand to hear her cry, I get angry. I can't watch "Dora the explorer" with my kids because the little girl had the same haircut. My Dr. says my frequent headaches are likely associated with my PTSD. I know it was just an accident, but I can't let it go. I can't get the image out of my head.

It's nice knowing that I'm not alone, and nothing is wrong with me. Thanks for everything.

 

[Sandra]

Welcome to the forum.

 

[Army_Brat_88]

Dan,

Thank you for your service. I have no cliches or frilly words for you and your situation other than I absolutely wish you and your family the best from here on out.

This site is great, but there is the sister Combat site that you will be able to find your brothers/sisters on who will know and understand you in a way that is more taylor made from people on this one.

[DLMURL]http://combat.ptsdforum.org/[/DLMURL]

-AB

 

[BigBear]

and nothing is wrong with me.

Dan,

Yes, you can be made whole again. But think of PTSD more as a tourniquet. PTSD is stopping blood loss (the additional psychological damage) that your mind could not take. But if your don't release the tourniquet, the part that it is helping with dies. You are in fact sick. You can in fact be made well (or at least better).

I'm glad that you are here! I hope that either here or on the combat forum, you can find relief.

Bear

 

[Dan]

Thanks AB, I'll check out that forum as well.

Bear, that makes sense when you put it that way. I just haven't been able to release it yet, but I'm working on it. I think this forum is a step in the right direction.

 

[chw52]

Dan,

First of all, let me say that I have been facing the same problems that are you are talking about.

I have never been in combat, but I spent 18+ years in the Fire Dept. I had to retire due an automobile accident. The accident resulted in the death of a small girl, so I can relate to so much of what you said. There were a total of 5 victims in my incident.

The incident did not go well due to no fault of yours. It is so easy to say but not so easy to accept. The fact that children were involved makes it like nothing you are EVER prepared to accept. I had this little girls screams and her face stuck in my head for years. I made some bad choices with alcohol that just exacerbated the problem. So that delayed my getting help.

I will tell you some of the things I have learned since getting help.

IT CAN GET BETTER. It took me a very long time to accept that I was having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.

I also discovered with therapy that what really bothered me was not what i saw and heard, but the fact that i was helpless to influence any of it. I can tell you it is not good to be the rescuer and feel totally helpless.

With respect to your kids, i have to tell my self everytime i hear a child scream for any reason, just keep telling yourself that what you saw is not what is occurring now. This has gotten better for me over time. I did not see anyway at first, that it would ever do so with me.

Thank you for your service. You have found this forum and i can tell you, you are not alone. If you need to talk to me ever feel free.

Clay

 

[Dan]

Everyone keeps telling me that it's not my fault, and I know that. I've accepted that. I voiced my opinion once trying to stop it, but was out ranked and accepted it. I'm the one who is supposed to have all the answers, be the man in charge when everything else goes wrong. All I could do that night was tell everyone else to do what they could, and drive on, the mission had to continue. I can't help but wonder what if I had spoken up louder, spoke up again? I know that the decision wasn't mine to make, but as a first responder, and an expert in my field, I generally think that my opinion should at least be considered, and I can't keep from wondering what would have changed if I had voiced it a little bit louder? Yes it was a freak accident, but it could have been avoided easily had they listened to me in the first place. It just kills me to know that I could have possibly changed things if I spoke up again.

As far as my kids go, I know it wasn't them. I know it won't ever be them. But certain things remind me of it on a daily basis. I know that I have a long, hard road ahead of me and I'm ready to head down it. I just have to figure out how to let go I guess. That's what everyone keeps telling me anyway.

 

[Navy Spouse]

Dan, You are blaming yourself and wondering if you could have changed things by doing something different. You can't go back, its done, it wasn't your fault. Its a terrible thing that happened and I feel awful for you. What a horrible image that must be to have in your head.

I do hope you can enjoy your children even though they will be triggers. Please don't let what happened take you away from your children. My husbands guilt made him leave our house after returning home from Afganistan. We see him and have a good time when we do. He's going to counseling twice a week but hasn't felt comfortable with moving back in. It's a horrible thing what all of you have been through and the sadest part is its affecting your lives once you've returned home and its far from easy on the families.

 

[pi314159]

Welcome to the forum.

I hope you are able to find comfort and support here.

 

[BigBear]

... but I'm working on it. I think this forum is a step in the right direction.

You bet! I know that you can beat it!

Bear

 

[MouseWedger]

Welcome to the forum Dan, and thank you for all you have done for us.

First, I want to say as a sufferer, that the triggers and symptoms will get better with time. In the meantime, it may help if you can limit exposure to them until you are ready to face them on your terms, if you will. I don't know if it's a possibility, but if it is it might help you a bit. Secondly, not only as a sufferer but as a sufferer who lived with a suffering combat vet, it might help if you can talk to your family and include them a bit in finding ways they can help you to cope. When my vet shared a very similar story to yours it helped me because I was able to help him avoid the things that brought him back to that place. Again, I'm not sure if it's something that's at all feasible, but it might be worth exploring.

Best of luck,
Mouse

 

[Dan]

My wife has been very supportive, she's the one that showed me this forum. I can honestly say that since I told my wife about my issues life has gotten better. It took a lot of weight off my chest. She is very understanding and jumps up when the baby cries that certain way. She understands that sometimes I just have to go into the other room, and understands if I'm a little cranky when I don't sleep. Between her, this forum, and the CPTSD forum, I've found a lot of answers.

I'm sure the triggers will always be there, but in time I hope to be able to cope with them a little better. Recognizing my triggers is taking some time, but I'm figuring them out slowly. Some I didn't even realize I had. Talking about this more and more is increasing my nightmares, but I suppose that's to be expected. I've been diagnosed with insomnia and prescribed Ambien to help me sleep. It helps a little, but it doesn't stop the nightmares.

All in all I'd say I'm in a better place now than before I told my wife about what happened. Reading the stories on this forum and seeing responses of those who can relate has helped a lot. I appreciate the support very much. I'm sure in time I'll share more. This has been a big step for me and I'm not sure I'm ready to take another one yet. Thanks again everyone for all the stories and support.