Lets Talk About Sex, Intimacy And Self Image

[Marie E.]

Wow! Maybe you were not ready for that? I think it is good you communicated with him and respect your decision to move on. Hope things work out for you? I could understand how it made you uncomfortable!

 

[Oberons Wife]

I need to practice the 'I'm not ready for sex' conversation'. I sometimes think I have it covered; they say things like, 'I respect your decision, I'm happy to wait as long as you need to' then proceed to manipulate situations so that I'm too embarrassed to continuing to avoid sex. And as I can't raise my voice, (I'm scared I'll get hit), they take that to mean it's OK.

I now don't let men into my house.

It seems less likely that I'll end up having sex if I just meet them at lunchtime in town say......but then they think that's wierd. Maybe it is. My son tells me it's normal to have sex on the fifth date. I'm not sure if he's teasing me (he doesn't realise how difficult I find all this stuff). I can't see why you can't go out with someone for much longer without ending up in the sack? I do like sex, but need to be able to communicate well with the guy to avoid freaking out, or I just put on a whore act and absent myself from there, leaving the body to get on with it. The guys usually assume I'm having a great time. But the relationship can't get back on track and falls apart.

 

[Marie E.]

Setting limits with guys are a good thing! *Hugs*

 

[Meadowsweet]

All of my close male relationships have been dominating, controlling or violent. At some point I think I've connected sex to pacyfying. But I had done that with the man who then tried tried to kill me several months later. And that has confirmed at the idea that there is a choice between saying yes or being punished for saying no. Quite a lot of things trigger me to a feeling where I believe that is the choice in front of me.

Emotionally, I find the whole issue very confusing, because nobody has forced me, but images in my mind and memories come with feelings of being forced..

 

[Marie E.]

(((Meadow)))

 

[Oberons Wife]

(((Meadowsweet)))

I think it's a whole lot more complicated than we are led to believe by Cosmopolitan Magazine etc.

There's black and white and a big muddy quire in the middle.

I was sexually abused as a child, and repeatedly raped within a relationship as a young adult, this was alongside being strangled and having a knife to my throat or wrists. This has left me with the inability to say no, I feel I will be killed for refusing. But I have had relationships since, and it seems clear with hindsight that some men actively and knowingly pick up the puppeteers strings to manipulate me to fulfil their desires, others enjoy the effect and close their mind from how I've come to be like this. So after an encounter it is as if I've been raped, as I have not given permission, but perhaps it's better to describe it as being coerced. But it feels the same as all those years ago.

It is very rare indeed that any man checks that you are OK.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I understand Oberons.

I turned to a man at the time and stupidly told him what I'd done and how ashamed I felt, and he put himself in the role of the 'helper' to guide me through my issues and help me open up sexually, and I completely trusted him.

He was also the main witness to me being attacked, and was the one who told me not to phone the police or talk openly about it, and he carried on giving me his sexual 'guidence'. I eventually rejected it because I kept having memories of past experiences come back to me. Thinking he was understanding, I trusted that he would understand the difficulties I was having. He told me he was annoyed that I'd compared him to my ex's and that the girl who'd just done a nude photography session with him had suffered more abuse and was brave enough to take her clothes off. I genuinely believe that he believes he is helping women who have experienced abuse to recover, and when they don't he blames them.

 

[scaldedsheep]

I haven't been intimate with anyone since my abuse stopped at 14...I'm 23. The thought of ever being in a relationship and a sexual one at that is like standing in a wasteland. I'm probably going to be the cat lady just without the cats.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I have given up on having any more intimacy. The fight in my brain, body and soul, about sex, is over. Having never had a good long-term relationship, I don't have it in me to try again.

I hate my body...specifically my female parts. They were always the reason for my troubles. My first memory, is of being under the front porch, with little boys putting dirt 'there'. My mother is, and always has been 'absent', hence the feelings of not feeling worthy of care. It feels wrong to 'dress up', as that feels like I'm trying to cover the ugliness, or trying to attraction attention. It was against our religion, and it became a part of me. It's feels wrong to be 'wanted' sexually.

My next few years will consist of caring for my parents as they age, and a man would complicate that. I need a peaceful existence more than I need anything else! Plus when my son does have children, that's where I'll be.

 

[friendlybadger]

What happened during my childhood shaped my choices in men in a bad way. Consequently I chose emotionally abusive, distant men like my father, and once in the bad relationship, would stay and stay and stay despite various abuses.
Over time, I've recovered my sexuality but not like people who don't have ptsd. I don't wear clothes that are too revealing--like I'm show a little cleavage but trying to get me into a dress or a bathing suit and go out *in public* is like trying to drag a mule.lol I have a phobia about the clothes making me feel 'vulnerable' or look that way, as though I would attract unwanted attention or be unable to run away in the event of an emergency. Makes me feel like a freak sometimes, but it is what it is I guess....

 

[jka37]

This stuff is so hard. I just want to know there is hope...I want to have sex someday and have a steamy, wonderful, loving time of it. I know if I was married right now that would be a very tumultuous act. My T seems to think we can get over my fear of penises, and the other things that make me clam up before I am married...

But damn, I can't even please myself, none the less have someone else do it. There is something associated with getting heated up that makes me shut down automatically...its scary and painful and I hate it. I hate it.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Same thing here (((friendly badger)))(((jka37))) I hope you are young, because the earlier you start working on your issues, the more success you will have. Don't expect a relationship to work, unless you've done a lot of work towards your healing. Being with the 'right man', will make all the difference in the world. A patient man, who respects your feelings and fears will be hard to find, but I believe they are out there!
Love yourself first!