Lets Talk About Sex, Intimacy And Self Image

[Iwanttolovehim]

I was once just like most of you. I have been sexually abused most of my childhood and some into my adulthood. I have been raped on the different occaisions and many other things. When I was a oung adult my craving for love seemed to intense and I believed that the only way I would ever be loved would be if I was the best sexual partner. I had this thought stuck in my head and time and time again it never rang true, love never happened and I always felt disgusting afterwards. I felt ashamed, like a whore and like I had deserved all the turmoil I had previously endured. Today I have found a wonderful man but he too suffers from PTSD but from a very different circumstance. He and I do not have sex very often, most of the time I am ok with it but every now and then I hear myself thinking that he doesn't love me, that I'm not attractive enough for him, or that I have somehow done something and this is my punishment. Its strange how my permiscuous behaviour was a result of trauma and now my lack of it has become a trigger! Its really difficult to deal with sometimes!

 

[Marie E.]

(((Lizio)))

 

[rockyspine]

This thread is interesting to me. I can't even imagine it possible for me to have a normal, healthy relationship. I never have. I've only had sex a handful of times and never when I wanted to (2 forced, and once with a guy who was sleazy but nice and didn't force me at all but I felt like I had to for some reason and I was so numb the whole time, I hated it and couldn't wait to be back in my own bed and cozy - and I never spoke to him again). I had a date last week and I totally freaked out all week and ended up cancelling last minute. And he was probably the nicest guy I ever met! He even texted me and said it was okay if I was shy, and said all these nice things. But I don't know how to reply so as to not offend him.

I just can't do it! I think other survivors of sexual abuse who can date and have relationships must be so brave.

I am okay with being alone, I mostly like it. But I guess I'm only human in that sometimes, I think it would be nice to have a boyfriend. But it's just so terrifying, I don't ever see it happening. Either guys I meet/date are a) violent, scary and end up hurting me, or b) really nice and caring-seeming and that's scary too, because I'll probably end up disappointing them (because they're probably used to "normal girls") or one day they'll just not be so nice or leave. Plus I feel like I have too many "issues" to be with another person. Those issues keep me busy enough, I don't have time to date! lol :)

I love to talk to people, flirt with guys, make friends (when I am being my "outgoing slightly-fake self", which is often required in the sales industry...) but the minute I think about dating... nuh-uh, no way! I just really honestly think I'll never get over it. It's been so many years and I've tried to improve myself, but I am getting worse and worse and even I can tell that. It's so bad now that even the thought of kissing someone scares me. And any sort of touch... even with my friends, like a simple hug or something... makes me nervous. My co-workers and friends think I am totally fine and put-together because I can project that image. But I just don't ever see letting anyone in. Too scary (at least in real life)!

Just found this forum today and even typing this now, my chest constricts painfully... Life just seems like a lot to handle. I like to focus on my work and career, and keep it going as much as I can until the next breakdown. Dating is just something I try not to think about. Work makes me happy when I do a good job, and that is something I can do. :D

 

[maddog]

Related very much to everything you wrote here Rockyspine, ie, fear of physical or intimate contact, preferring to focus mostly on work, having the opportunity, arguably, for more of a social life and somehow not able to go through with it...

The pain and conflict and turmoil are so hard to articulate, but you sum them all up so well.

Maybe you could make a decision in your own mind that you'd like to just hang out and be casual friends with this guy for a while? Maybe if you go into the "date" as a "non-date" and be clear about that in your own head, it will seem like less of a daunting and potentially threatening prospect. If he really is sensitive to some possible misgivings on your part, and only your intuition and observation can tell you that at this stage, then he may well be willing to just "hang out" for a while and see how it goes.

Quite honestly I have no real gems of wisdom. I am hopelessly caught up in an absolute tyrmoil of fear of intimacy and know I would be just as conflicted as you are and would most likely have cancelled the date too. But there is a part in all of us that longs for connection and to belong somewhere, and that's ok... maybe some day we'll even figure out how to let that part have its way in a situation that is safe and caring and mutually rewarding.

Maddog

 

[Oberons Wife]

Hello Rockyspine,

You remind me of my younger self.

What can I say. It gets easier and it gets harder. For me, I couldn't recognise an inner self. I just became whoever the person I was with wanted me to be. It's taken a long time to shed myself of the false identity. I used to be very successful in business with a wealthy husband and then everything collapsed. I was lost in all this social status and meeting expectations.

For me it's only been through being a mother that I have found a true voice. I will stick up for whats best for my child in ways I never managed for myself. And seeing myself as a good mother has built my self esteem. I know I'm a good person. When I feel sham for childhood events, I can learn to think as a mother should for the child I was.

If I were to give my younger self advice, it would be to get professional support early (i've only recently been diagnosed) and work at finding out who you are. Nuture youself, the way I look after my child, do that for yourself. Don't put yourself in any danger. Be true.

All the best to you.

 

[Philippa]

I've started just now, to let certain men touch me, as in give me massages that are non-threatening, and trusting that one particular man will take good care of my body, as he does cranio-sacral massage as a career, and has done it for many years. He's really very good at it, and I feel we have an interesting and mysterious connection, which intrigues me at the moment.

I also recently met a man who is in a polyamorous relationship with two other women, and I allowed him to cuddle me, as I found him to have a very warm and loving feeling about him...although their was a certain element of sexual touch he gave my legs which did make me nervous, but I didn't say anything, as it was also pleasant. He didn't push for anything more than this, and although it didn't feel sleazy at all, there was something a little irritating about it, or a slight sense of threat.

I have been out on a date with a man I met on a spiritual dating site, and he seems very nice, and I feel fairly comfortable having lunch with him, but there is nothing there in the way of sexual attraction or feeling towards him, other than friends. It's the first date I've been on in 5 years, and I don't even like dating usually, but I could not stand feeling so isolated and craving touch and cuddles anymore. It started to feel quite unnatural and I really want to work through my issues with sex and intimacy.

Ironically, I have just started to work as a massage therapist, working mainly with males, and this I am taking as a slow re-introduction to the male form, and feeling in control of the situation, as they are lying on the massage bed and I am the person in charge. I'm a little unsure if it is good for my well being though, as there are some creepy men that go there, and although some are nice and respectful...and I can touch them and get paid for it, so it makes them feel good and I feel good doing something I love doing and getting paid well for it, there is still the safety issue that concerns me a little, as it does my counselor and my friends as well. I'm not sure how long I will be doing it at the moment...but I think it has already been good in some ways for me.

For years though I simply had no interest in sex or relationships, and I was ok with that...but after 4 years of not being with anyone for any period of time, and I can relate to how nicolette spoke about ptsd sufferers having reduced sex drives. That was definitely the case for me, and it bothered me, as I used to really love sex and took a real interest in becoming very good at sex...so it's been very worrying for me to have simply lost all urge to have sex again.

I could handle it when I chose to be asexual for a while, but this has not been my choice...this has been forced upon me due to things that happened to me, and it makes me feel like it's an abnormal lack of desire for sex, like it is really unhealthy of me to be this way...so I thought maybe giving sensual massage would be a good way to re-connect with my sensuality...and it has, but I'm not sure it's the best avenue of expressing it?

I'm working on it...

 

[Srain]

This is an extremely complex issue for me. I use to bee very intimate and affectionate until I had my hysterectomy and the complication with that. I got severely triggered, since then I've had a lot of pain and most of the time I have no interest. I'm self-conscious, self-disgusted, fearful of pain, don't feel I am in the least bit attractive.

I love my husband but don't feel like it's him at all. This is deeply ingrained in me. I thought maybe it was the medication but there is minimal to none now...so it's not that, it's my issues. I even had a corrective surgery done a few years ago and they found additional problems but that didn't help either...so me????

blech...I find this a very sad and upsetting situation for me...I try to work on it but I need to address it more.

 

[Queen Boudica]

((((((((Rain)))))))

 

[Anna]

I go through black and white stages, never in the grey. I love or hate myself. I love sex to the point I think about it non stop all day, then I feel disgusted by it and cannot stand it. Is really bizarre.

 

[Philippa]

I go through black and white stages, never in the grey. I love or hate myself. I love sex to the point I think about it non stop all day, then I feel disgusted by it and cannot stand it. Is really bizarre.

I'm like this at times as well.

 

[Forgetful]

I will be 49 this year and I've only had 4 sexual relationships.

The classmate who assaulted me at the age of 13 and then allowed (thru coercerstion) it to happen again because I was afraid to say no, then a sibling because I was afraid to say no again. Feelings: shame, dirty, disgusted, hate for myself but not to them, which is where it should of been, very low self esteem unlovable and anger ( towards me again)

Then I married the first male who showed me any attention. This was a drug induced major mistake. After about 18 months he just disappeared, another 18 months to get a divorce because they couldn't find him.
Feelings: same as above

My current husband, sex was finally enjoyed but only when I was high. Twice I have horrible flashbacks. When I finally told him about the flashbacks he said he doesn't want to hurt me so we won't have sec again. Personally i was OK with that. I never really liked it anyway. Can never relax enough for enjoyment. So now my sex life is nonexist. He is saying stuff about sex on a daily basis. They hurt but I can sometimes ignore them.

This is a very difficult subject. I have big trust issues. It seems to be a lot of work for me to make it pleasurable for my husband

 

[The Albatross]

Let's just say I don't think of myself as a sexual being anymore, and have been celibate in marriage for a considerably long time. I do not appreciate sexual innuendo or being approached/propositioned by males who are not my spouse. Intimacy is limited but "there" for my spouse and I to a small degree. Hand holding, occasional hugs, a kiss usually on the forehead for me, the cheek for him.

I am endeavoring to work through it (the block) with a new shrink now. This ought to be interesting.

I can't/won't/don't initiate though I would like the intimacy to include more. He can't/doesn't/won't because I experience painful penetration and can't relax in the past this has included being triggered during intercourse.

I want to work through this before I'm a dried up perhaps bitter, wrinkled and or toothless old woman. I want it to be restored to my/our marriage in a way that is mutually beneficial.