How A Person Emotional Blackmails People

[Sandra]

Hugs for you SoulofLC. I can so relate to a lot of this too.

 

[soulofLC]

Thank you Sandra, loads of hugs to you back.

<Un necessary quote removed by Amethist>

 

[Sandra]

From the same book.

Guilt is the blackmailer's neutron bomb. It can leave relationships standing, but it wears away the trust and intimacy that make us want to be in them.

 

[Sandra]

From the same book.

Blackmailers see our conflicts with them as reflections of how misguided and off base we are, while they describe themselves as wise and well intentioned. In the most simplistic terms, we're the bad guys, and they're the ones with the white hats. In politics, this process of running events through the good guy/bad guy filter is called "spin" and emotional blackmailers are the orginal spin doctors, masters of putting a halo around their own character and motives and splattering ours with serious doubts, or even blacker mud.

 

[Sandra]

From the same book.

Emotional blackmailers often accuse us of being unable to love or maintain friendships simply because we don't feel as close to them, as friends or lovers, as they feel we should. It's a variety of pathologizing that many of us are vulnerable to especially if we see intimate relationships as the litmus test of mental health. Though it's a stretch for blackmailers to argue that if a relationship isn't working, it's because we are sick or damaged, lines like this go straight to the heart, and often they succeed.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

I have heard that one before too.... from the friend, not the book. And it did go straight to my heart, and it broke the rest of me too.

The book should arrive on Wed. :)

 

[Sandra]

You are going to love the book. I am taking so much in from it. She really explains things well.

 

[Sandra]

From the same book.

Arrogantly "authorities" indicate that they are not to be challenged. They tell us that they're looking out for our best interests, and by resisting them we're proving how obstinate, ill-informed or insecure we are.They are the experts, even when it comes to our deepest knowledge of ourselves, and we aren't allowed to question their advice or their interpretations of a situation.

 

[Loloma]

How the bloody hell would they know. The majority of these so called "experts" are text book professionals only, a lot of them have not suffered PTSD or other forms of trauma. Sure they advise us what they think is in our best interest from the guidelines they have been taught.

We are the ones that have experienced the traumatic events, left with the mental and emotional pain that leaves us scarred trying to move forward and live some sort of a life. Anyway an ex-pert is a drip under pressure, and that's what a great many of them are in my opinion.

 

[Sandra]

From the same book. Can I ever relate to this one. This was the main reason I removed my brother out of my life many years ago.

Most families that have "shameful" secrets of child abuse, alcoholism, emotional illness and suicide tacitly agree to keep the facts hidden and never discuss them. But when one person changes the signals by pulling out of the family system that survives on denial and secrecy, it's typical for family members to brand that person crazy, unforgiving or a family wrecker for daring to discuss their hidden and long-denied history.

 

[Sandra]

I hear what you are saying Loloma. But I have seen so many of these issues happen within my family over the years.

 

[soulofLC]

I think the information you are posting from the book is very validating. It describes my family and son to a tee and gives me room to feel ok about myself. Somehow, it takes the blame off me and places it squarely back where it should be.

However, Loloma is right; we are still left with the trauma. I don't know if this helps, but my therapist recommended a book called The Four Agreements. The one he wanted me to think about has to do with this: the more someone is in your face about how flawed you are how dysfunctional or whatever, the more that person is struggling with themselves. So we practice not taking it personally, but try to deflect it. I don't have the book yet, but it sounds like another way of arriving at the same conclusion: that we are not the ones that deserve the flack; we are the ones that have to change our responses to the perpetrator; they won't change. That may mean removing self from situation or lives of others.

Having PTSD makes it that much more challenging because it is a chemical and emotional response. In my case, I think it will take multiple strategies for me to recover. Connecting my brain with my body and heart is a big challenge. I feel I am just beginning to walk this road.