Question For Sufferers Who Have Ever Pushed A Loved One Away.

[janej32]

I have a question for those sufferers who have ever pushed a loved one away (friend,family member or spouse) or have purposely sabotaged a relationship.

After pushing away and retracting from the relationship did you regret it or just completely forget (or try to anyway) about that person?

I myself have pushed people away, either because I didn't feel anything, didn't want to hurt them, or didn't want to get hurt myself. I always felt guilty after doing this and I'm just wondering how others have dealt with this.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Once I have pulled back, it's over. I try to forget what I was wishing for, and later found out it was best for me NOT to be with that person. I'm usually right when I pull back, for whatever reason.
Sometimes people are not meant to be together, and no amount of work will make it happen. I think the 'warning signs' show up early, but sometimes we don't want to see them.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think there's a difference between 'pushing away', and 'fleeing'. Sometimes the reasons are warranted, sometimes it's fear.
Like AKJ above, no, once it's over for me it's pretty much over. Because especially if it is (very) negative, by then I am numb. Or the trust is entirely destroyed (as well).

 

[janej32]

Ok, I see what you both mean. However I was thinking more of like relationships when you really love the person and know they are good for you but for whatever reason you push then away because of whatever is going on internally with yourself.

Do you only pull back when you sense the relationship is not good? Ever pull back simply because you love that person and do not want to burden them?

 

[Tinyflame]

Ever pull back simply because you love that person and do not want to burden them?

Certainly- for that reason specifically.

 

[maddog]

Yes, most definitely. Pulling away from people I care about because I am obsessed with infecting them with my negativity, is one of my greatest and most unresolved struggles and challenges. Naturally, it's terribly self defeating and self fulfilling and places both parties in an untennable and miserable position.

As with so many aspects of relationships, I believe that open communication, to the extent that it is possible, is the key. The more we can explain and talk through our reality to our loved ones, the more likely they are to understand, and the more likely we are to be able to understand and manage our fears and insecurities. Doing this in reality is unspeakably difficult sometimes though, but it is worth the effort, because sometimes the results if you don't are irreversable, and as with so many things in life, you don't always realise what you've got until it's gone.

Maddog

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Exactly, or maybe you think you don't deserve their love, and are afraid if they know your 'secrets' or abuse, they will leave? Just a thought.

 

[freakofnurture]

I pushed away a lot of people whom I didn't see worthy of my attention/respect/friendship any more. I never experienced any regrets. I was rather happy to get rid of them.

 

[mamachick]

I think when we pull away because we do not want to burden them, or to add to it, to appear needy or weak, or because of our insecurity in many forms, it all comes back to trust. Trusting that the other person wants and is willing to take on our stuff, that it wont be used against us later, that they will not view us as less, that they are strong enough to handle it, that they will stay if they know our flaws.......

It takes a leap of faith to be really honest with another person and have trust when we have been let down and been betrayed and abandon and abused. Without that trust, we are missing out on real intimacy, (figuratively speaking,) the ability to stand naked in front of another and show them all our warts and know we are lovable and worthy. Scarey.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sure you are correct brat, but when thinking of the added burden of potentially causing someone else pain (the internal consideration), along with all the external 'realities' you have mentioned, I'm not sure it's possible for all of us, not sure if I could ever 'trust' the trust could go that deep, nor 'be' lovable and worthy. But I agree wth you.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I pushed people away because they were triggering symptoms of PTSD. Getting away from the trigger brought almost immediate relief, and if felt very much like I'd made the right decision.

At the time, I didn't know what PTSD was, and I was unable to explain to anyone what was going on with me beyond telling them what I was frightened of, which didn't make a lot of sense to them. Sometimes I think of getting back in touch and sharing the new understanding with them. But I fear that they wouldn't understand and would just invalidate that too. Or that theyve moved on to such a happy life without me, they're not interested in understanding.

I guess the question comes down to whether you give someone that chance to prove their care and understanding. It risks getting hurt, rejected, invalidated and psychologically bullied all over again. Realistically, I think it's a risk that needs to be taken at some point, but needs an honest risk assessment of how much else is in the cup.

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't have the words, but the positive side of the trust issue is that sometimes you can forget about why you 'shouldn't'.
So in that way it probably helps that 'supporters' should express their own needs, that might reduce the focus by sufferers on their own fears/ past experiences.