Invalidation: The Root Of All Evil?

[soulofLC]

Well regardless, you have a great eye for combining images and ideas...a useful and (sometimes) very profitable skill. I will look up your art in you diary. As an artist, I appreciate the well chosen text + image, even when it is appropriated. Long tradition of that, longer than anyone realizes!!

I am sorry you are sick...hope you feel better again soon.

 

[soulofLC]

No- alas. Just stuff I googled. But I've posted some of my art on my diary, if you dig past all the garbage to get to it.

Hi angel, I looked at your diaries and did not find the art yet. I did, however, find that you have been through a great deal and I am so sorry. But I am amazed at your strength and courage to write and speak the truth to your family. As well, I feel your sense of humor is well intact and will help keep you strong. ((((Hugs)))) I count myself lucky to have benefited from it as well!!!

 

[ms spock]

Dear Nicolas Connault,

My ptsd complex type II (which soon won't exist as a category) comes from continuous child abuse of every sort from when I was a small toddler) so yes invalidation (or looking the other way and failing to act and protect) is the root of all evil. That is my perspective.

I got the welfare involved at 15 because my father (who was in the military said he was going to kill us all and he would have too). It was unusual for that to happen to a family like mine with such standing in religious, professional and other standings in community.

Once again every one looked the other way, said it would get better one day (it has not) and this, too, shall pass and generally invalidated my and the situation.

Everyone is still alive but shells of people and not real people if you understand what I mean.

This is an important question! A very important question indeed!

ms spock

 

[ms spock]

If we stopped invalidation we could stop violence and abuse for the next generation and possibly even save the planet to the point humans could still keep living on earth. We have a OAM scientish Dr Frank Fenner, one of our best scientists, oversaw the eradication of small pox and did so many amazing scientific exploits who was not hopeful for humanity in his last interview at age 95.

 

[Stir Ling]

These are amazing points, and a very interesting post. I have thought about this very often, as I am the only one of my two (younger) siblings to have developed PTSD. All three of us grew up in the same alcoholic household with a narcissist father. I was physically abused in my toddler years, and I strongly suspect sexual abuse, although I don't have a clear memory (yet). My brother was also hit, and he witnessed most of my beatings. My brother has some symptoms of increased anxiety, while my sister--four years my junior--has quite effectively shifted into strong denial. She has married an alcoholic, and she has not spoken to me since I was diagnosed. I have cut my parents off and do not allow them any access to my daughter, something that has angered my sister.

I have been told that I have PTSD because I'm too sensitive, too intelligent, that I think too much, that I expect too much from people. My therapist has said that no one really knows why some people develop PTSD while others do not. Some soldiers--for example, my wife's grandfather who fought for the Soviet army during WWII--never develop a single symptom.

 

[ms spock]

I have cut my parents off and do not allow them any access to my daughter,

You have my deepest respect and part of my heart sings and heals just a little more to know someone
is protecting the next generation. Yay for you in the most sincerest way!!!

There IS hope for the world!

Stir Ling - you have made my day! Thank you so much!

 

[Stir Ling]

Ms Spock, thank you for your kind words. I realized during a moment of clarity that my father was abusive because he had grown up in an abusive environment, and that his environment was abusive because those people had grown up in abusive environments. I suddenly felt an enormity of responsibility and fear. My decision has caused many people very much pain, but I did *not* want to gamble with my daughter's psychology. Who knows why some people get PTSD and others don't. I didn't want to experiment with my little girl. The world's dangerous enough; no need to send her into the jaws of hell.

I was told (by my sister) that my daughter won't learn to deal with conflict if I don't expose her to my father... I simply refuse to do it.

 

[ms spock]

And I would guess that your sister is totally enraged by this because No One Protected Her!

My decision has caused many people very much pain, but I did *not* want to gamble with my daughter's psychology.

The pain they are feeling (I am assuming here) is the yearning in their own hearts and souls that why did no one protect, love, care and treasure them.

One of the biggest impediments to intergenerational change, that I have observed, is that the inner child, the damaged self, the abused adult becomes so enraged for not having those heartful human needs met, that they sabotage any one who assists the next generation, because it is not fair - no one stopped it for them! It is not a rational reaction - it is a scream of pain and rage from the child that they used to be or maybe still are - some people get stuck at different developmental stages.

To be on the edge of social change, which I see preventing abuse to the next generation as being, is quite the hot spot to be in and it is very hard.

Worth it though, a life quite worth living.

And whilst you are doing a magnificent job in your part of the world, standing the ground and stopping the abuse and making things that bit easier for the next generations. Please know I am doing the very best I can do here as well.

ms spock

 

[Anna]

Yes. 100%. I have had close family telling me to forget it and get over it. Like it is nothing, just sweep it all under the carpet.

Because of this I am a very closed person. I never talk to anyone about anything. Lucky I had a very good therapist.

I have accepted I can never ever talk to my close family about anything. Cannot change it, but it really does effect you when you need them, especially during horror and they just don't want to know like it really is not that important.

 

[bankhead]

And underneath we know that no good will come of trying to be ourselves because somehow what we really feel and think is terrible and so out of step with everyone else - they seem to know how to do it and be accepted but we just don't get HOW.
.

Helliepig - what you write here is exactly what I have lived for so many years.

this is the first time I have connected with others who have experienced anything similar to me. I am so moved and deeply touched. I am beyond thankful to have made this connection. It is so hard to describe. This may be the beginning of some real healing. It is as though I have found a home at long last.

 

[bankhead]

The pain they are feeling (I am assuming here) is the yearning in their own hearts and souls that why did no one protect, love, care and treasure them.

One of the biggest impediments to intergenerational change, that I have observed, is that the inner child, the damaged self, the abused adult becomes so enraged for not having those heartful human needs met, that they sabotage any one who assists the next generation, because it is not fair - no one stopped it for them! It is not a rational reaction - it is a scream of pain and rage from the child that they used to be or maybe still are - some people get stuck at different developmental stages.

Wow - you have just described my mother and my father precisely. Both of my parents sabotaged my success and unfortunately it worked. Now as an adult I am left to try to pick up the pieces and find some kind of meaning in my life. I so hope that I will be learning and understanding from my time here in a way that will help me break through.

 

[bankhead]

Is one of the reasons we (people with family- based PTSD) don't find validating friendships because, somehow, abuse has conditioned us to want a kind of contact that "normal" people don't engage in? Just thinking about this because of what a couple people said about friends turning away. Am I driving people away because I'm wanting to go deeper than they are comfortable with. Or wanting to go too deep too soon?

We get on here and we talk about really deep issues. There's a lot of thoughtful discussion about how our hearts and souls work. I don't think most people talk about these things at cocktail parties. They talk about beer and dates, sports and cars and clothes and who is talking about who behind whose back. Sometimes they also talk about movies, music and what they're doing at work. But, really, mostly it's kind of shallow. And I feel left out of that. I don't spend a lot of time thinking about that kind of stuff. I can't really relate to most of it.

Maybe I just wear people out.

Oh my heavens. I feel like I have come home at last. This so describes so much of my life. A part that has caused me struggle my entire adulthood and to read what you have written gives me an understanding for the first time, an understanding and a connection. Thank you.