A Bit Reluctant To Go Out Tonight

[Jon]

I have a car for the first time in my life, I want to start forcing myself to go out more and be in social circles. I just got back from a holiday in the east coast, the trip left me feeling pretty run down compared to what I was expecting. My parents dont understand PTSD very well, so if they are triggering a panic attack and I tell them; they dont stop because they feel like im trying to fight them when im really just trying to avoid my adrenaline going out of control.

I feel less like im allowed to participate in life. My sister is pretty unsupportive herself; she acts really self righteous around my family in order to "beat my trust" or something. She is 10 years older than me and is trying to get a PhD. Shes very comfortable with everything that had happened to me; she often tries to make me feel like I deserve to be the way I am. She seems to throw her social life in my face alot (but she is also struggling with that more than I have ever seen). I really dont think its funny, and I would never tease a loved one about something he or she couldnt control; I often have to take her diplomatic insults alot during dinner trips with the family. I feel like she tries to trigger me so that I fight with my family, the most recent blow up I think showed her not to play games with my family life anymore. Her manipulative nature is pretty new to me; I lose sleep over it and its hard to appraise her in any conversation without offending her personal boundaries (which step into other peoples boundaries often times).

Well with that out of the way, I feel alot like the wall flower at middle school dances; tryin to figure out why im not like everyone else. Growin up was about learning about finding friends because my parents were unable to teach me. I have my good days and bad, but lately I have been stuck in scenarios where people are pretty open about their dislike towards me and their favorite way to attack me is to attack my inadequacies. It hurts alot how people refuse to understand something for the sake of winning some social battle; gossip got a bit out of hand with me. I was pretty much considered an outstanding person in my hobbies; just socially off; others interpret that as "crazy" or "immature". I also look 10 years younger than I really am, not too many approach me assuming that im an adult; which is why I like being seen at bars and clubs since I get treated like an adult.

I have assets that im trying to put confidence in, but I grew up letting people destroy that. Its easier to take things from me that way. My problems are a bit too complex for the people that assisted in making them. I cant just throw myself in a party and become a social butterfly; when people that know me tell me to do that I feel a little insulted.
I do my best to build that on my own, but I really need to be alone with it because everyone that has tried to help me have intentionally or unintentionally set me back.


Im just really unhappy with the way my life is going; I entered myself in a race to pursue success with PTSD and im just starting to realize how much of a handicap this truly is. I will always be less than the happy people around me, and their too happy to understand or care. When it comes to success, people will cut in front of the blind man and call it fair; survival isnt always the most ethical thing in the world. Times are soo much rougher, and people are soo much faker and manipulative as a result; I just dont want to be betrayed again. I dont like the feeling of being laughed at while im in pain.

This is a thinking process that is unavoidable for me, if anyone can relate plz share.

 

[bankhead]

Im just really unhappy with the way my life is going; I entered myself in a race to pursue success with PTSD and im just starting to realize how much of a handicap this truly is. I will always be less than the happy people around me, and their too happy to understand or care. When it comes to success, people will cut in front of the blind man and call it fair; survival isnt always the most ethical thing in the world. Times are soo much rougher, and people are soo much faker and manipulative as a result; I just dont want to be betrayed again. I dont like the feeling of being laughed at while im in pain.

Jon, I am fairly new to this forum but from my experience and from what I have read here you are NOT alone. I have been so angry for so many years because of my experience which is so well described in your last paragraph. I don't have anything to offer you about this except to validate your experience and to say that you are NOT alone. I hope you may find some comfort in that.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi Jon,

First, I want to compliment you on being well spoken in your posts. I quite enjoy reading what you have to say!

I can identify with much of your post. It's so very true, that people will cut in front of the blind man and call it fair. I couldn't have said it better. I'm all for success, but not at the expense of others. Unfortunately, in many circles it's quite cutthroat and this view would most definitely be in the minority.

I also grew up with that "not like everyone (anyone) else" feeling. Fortunately, it's subsided over the past few years due to meeting someone who's trauma was eerily similar to mine. No, we're no longer in contact, but simply knowing that I'm not the ONLY one has really helped. (Theoretically I knew others were abused just like I was, but until I met someone like me, the lonely feelings persisted).

 

[Jon]

Thanks for all the responses, I get alot of comfort from everyones input and appreciate it alot.

The weather made me not want to go out for NYE, thats fine I just came to the conclusion that it was more of a childish thing to feel insecure about not going out when everyone else does; what was I trying to prove to myself and others? Its not mandatory to appreciate the superficial life, but its a fun thing to indulge in and people partake in social gatherings to feel more in tune with everyone else. I think the pressure to become involved in the highly commercialized hype of people being overly comfortable with eachother is 10x worse now that the economy is weak. Equality at the moment is very unfair and a social life seems to be something that has to be bought now; I find myself to be very gullible to those pretenses. Hopefully the good in me will never let me become a person that feels like he has to scratch his way up the ladder of success while kicking people down behind me. My life in fact is all about not becoming a user of people, anything relative to those individuals that used me.

I usually cant think my way out of these situations; when im active I tend to have moments where I am more than just my old self. Perpetuating that moment and making that my new confidence feels like a treasure hunt for new experiences, where I will eventually be wealthy enough to feel confident again. I dont feel hopeless, but I didnt realize that there was going to be soo many obstacles. I guess that just makes us stronger people in the end :)

 

[The Albatross]

We can't know Jon that we won't be betrayed again. We can though learn to reasonably assess risks and weigh the risk against what we want in our lives. That's what I do.... been doing. I got no guarantee, that I won't be hurt again... but I'll be durned if I'm going to sit in my home and not try. I decided if I go down, I'm going down trying. I was an active agoraphobic for around a year and a half... and I got a safe bubble around me for about 9 square miles... I can do "forrays" outside the bubble, and the time and duration are getting better... but it's anxiety producing. Yeah, hell yeah, it will make us stronger people in the end... it's adversity training 101.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Ughhhhh... I HATE the pressure to party on NYE! It's just not my holiday, and people don't understand that. And, I really take offense when my friends kid me about not going out. It makes me feel like an anti-social hermit, when the realty is that I'm not the drinking party person that I used to be. I just don't get the hype over this seemingly non-holiday. But hey, that's just me...

 

[Jon]

^ Same here, I try not to think that im less than everyone else that goes out now. I think I did all the things that people do at this age when I was a teenager, soo maybe its ok that I dont party every weekend; it was the excessive partying that put me in bad situations in the first place. When I do get out to bars and clubs, I just see alot of people being careless like I was when I was a teen; the irony is what makes me nervous, the fact that I was soo ready for this lifestyle at one point. I guess its just another strange life lesson or something.

To The Albatross; im not familiar with agoraphobia but I can definently relate to the feeling of not wanting to go too far from home. I just recently started driving and I thought I was gonna go everywhere but I found myself wanting to stay home more. I procrastinate alot more lately when it comes to getting out of the house. I always feel like I have to make another pot of coffee or clean the dishes or something. This behavior has gotten worse after my first few panic attacks, and as I became more socially isolated. Im combatting it right now with excercise and contacting old friends; except for the part about my behavioral changes, I think everything is slowly getting better.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

^ Same here, I try not to think that im less than everyone else that goes out now. I think I did all the things that people do at this age when I was a teenager, soo maybe its ok that I dont party every weekend; it was the excessive partying that put me in bad situations in the first place.

Exactly! I started partying at such a young age, that by the time it became legal for me to drink, I was burned out and ready to move on whereas everyone else was just hitting their parting peak. Now it's hard to find friends who don't need alcohol to have a good time, sadly enough.