I Am In Shock

[Phoenix_Rising]

I was having an online conversation with my partner, and he asked me if he could ask me some questions about my past. I said OK, and he asked me a few things, in particular about my aversion to ball gags. He also asked me about being tied up. This is in regard to my ex, with whom I have a lot of memory loss about our relationship. The abuse was mainly sexual, and very frequent.

Do not want to go into that but I have to, a bit, to write about why I am in this state of shock.

I had no idea where this was going, I just thought that he wanted to know more about my past to understand me better.

Then he says, well, if it's OK I am going to show you a picture, I could swear it was you, just younger. I said okay... I don't know what the hell I expected, but it sure was not what I saw.

If that person in the photo was not me, then this girl is my identical twin. Same face--EXACT same face, same hair, and same body, back then. Wearing a bracelet that looks identical to the watch I had which went missing when we were together. I never took it off, and it could not have fallen off, had it been removed forcibly I would have noticed because it would have had to be yanked so hard my wrist would have been yanked along with it, and I had forgotten about it, but at the time wondered if he had stolen it.

The only way you can tell that this might not be me is moles. And I have some, but I am not sure about one in particular around the armpit. The others I have, and given how she is lying down and her body is taut, not to mention having a kid, and being less firm over the years... It is really hard to tell. She even, I think, has a scar on her right hip, at least it looks like it, where I cut myself. I ended up with a lot more but that was after the fact.

She is wearing a man's watch on her other arm for some reason, the other one has what looks like my watch on the wrist.

My own mother would look at this picture and swear it was me.

It's... well the person in the photo is tied to a bed with a ball gag in her mouth, and naked.

I don't recognize any of the furniture. But then if that is me, I don't remember anything at all.

I don't even know how to process this, it could not be me, but if it isn't, I've never seen anyone in my entire life who looked so exactly like me, she is not just similar, I would not be able to tell the difference, she's identical to me. It's hard to believe it is not because I look at the picture and it is me down to the detail, even the circles under my eyes and slight yellowish tinge.

I am literally looking at myself in that picture, I just don't know if it really is me.

If it is... is there more of me out there on the internet, that I don't even remember?

Where am I? Who else was there? Why am I wearing a man's wrist watch, and what happened to mine, the one on the other wrist... I should look. What wrist is it on? It's on the wrist I would have worn it on...

What the hell am I supposed to do with this???

With him... anything is possible, and I have so much memory loss I can't say no way that is me.

I don't know what to do.

I just don't know what to do.

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((PhoenixRising)))))

Do you feel safe from this partner who showed you this?

Call your T. right away. You deserve support whether or not this is you.

Given a few hours and a picture, those of us with photoshop skills could fake this. It is done to celebrities all the time. ...and done to harass people.

You are not without resources and support. Take all measures to protect yourself. Assume it is a fake until and unless you have irrefutable proof.

It is likely a sad coincidence. The images of porn are many, and easy to fake. Hang in there.

*Linking arms*

 

[sea]

Where did your partner find this photo and when was it uploaded to that place? Why would he have this photo? Do he and your ex have mutual friends? Was the photo passed off to him? Or did he just somehow magically stumble across it online? Did he find it in a torrent or peer to peer network? Did he find it on your computer or on your ex's computer? It is also possible it is real if it is a file that is on someone's hard drive, that was never uploaded.

"That video on page two of youporn" is not likely to be real or to be you. Contrary to popular belief pornography websites are actually fairly stringent about what they allow their members to upload, and typically require consent on both parties. A torrent, however, is a less identifiable way to pass off dangerous material that is not subjected to regular scanning process.

A video site like that is also subject to their member input, and videos that make their members uncomfortable (such as videos that can be perceived as legitimate rape videos) are typically taken down. However, torrent and peer to peer networks are not subject to the same process. This allows more inappropriate material such as child pornography, etc. to be passed off. It is possible, but again, exceedingly rare. It is, I should mention, also exceedingly rare for people (especially your loved ones) to somehow magically stumble across things like that online.

I have been actively looking for things on my part since the internet was conceived, years and years, and come up with only bare essentials. I would absolutely say it is impossible for anyone I know to just happen across it. Unless someone gave it to him or unless he was looking for it, it is unlikely he would have just magically found it on his own. It is possible, but unlikely. A good way to check for photoshop is to look at the alignment of the body and the skin color of the face and body. If it in any way looks odd, it is possible it is a fake.

Was it a cell-phone pic or did it look professional? (Some photographs will have indicators in the photo name of what was used to take it, was the photo named at all? What was the name of it?) Photo quality is also another indicator of being you, not you, or fake. A grainy photo that looks like it was taken by a cellphone is probably more likely to be real than a photo that looks like it was taken by a Nikon. Agree with Bloom. Call your therapist. I have had similar experiences with instances that turned out not to be me and they were still upsetting. Whether or not it is real it is an upsetting experience.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Hmmmm...an online conversation with your partner?

I also am suspicious that you are being preyed upon...if not by him, maybe someone acting as him.

This type of behavior is more common than we like to think.



<Link to external website removed due to nature of content>

 

[Phoenix_Rising]

No, my partner and I have been together for 7 years, it is only the last 4 or 5 months we have been talking online, as we were trying to rebuild our relationship. I am absolutely certain that it is him, as I know him very well, his life, and his family, his personality, and so on.

He looks through photos all the time, some because he likes to share them with me, some because he is actually looking for women who look similar to me (never has come across one like this though). Reason for that is he has a medical condition he has to, ah, relieve himself for on a regular basis and is unable to respond to any one but me. He has never had that problem before, and I am glad of it, but not so glad that it makes it impossible for him to do what he needs to do. It would only bother me if I were available and he was doing it, as is, I understand. He often goes through tumblr and just surfs for pics.

I actually did ask him where he found it, he said Imagefap, a photo sharing site (I have never heard of it before this.)

As for the photo itself, it's just an every day photo, not cell phone or professional, no name, and shows no signs of being photo shopped. 14 years ago, no cell phone would have been able to take a photo, much less a recognizable one. This was a good resolution pic, but as I said, not professional at all.

I do not doubt it is real, I just don't know what the probability is not only he stumbles across this photo, it looks exactly like me, in every way, and has physical characteristics in common such as the scar.

If it is not, as you say, it is still extremely upsetting and triggering.... Especially given who would have had to be the person doing it, who I cannot say didn't do it.

*sigh* anyway... what are the chances? that is pretty much my feeling exactly and why i am so upset, but I know that he would not do something like that (unlike, I am sorry to say, my ex, who would).

 

[BloomInWinter]

He is looking for woman similar to you...because of a medical condition? Can you give us some more info on this? This is one I have not heard before. What medical condition would require this behavior?

A photo sharing site is allegedly the source? If he has been encouraging you to send him him any photos of yourself, PLEASE STOP IMMEDIATELY.

Why can he only contact you online? This kind of relationship leaves a huge risk for victimization.

The more you have shared, the more my internal alarms are telling me you at best in an unhealthy situation...and possibly at great risk.

Please be careful and contact your T. right away.

 

[Meadowsweet]

i can well understand why you are in shock.

I can only offer my advise, and firstly, I would assume that this is not you, it can't be proved and only adds to the distress. But seek help for how triggered you must be just seeing a picture of that woman.

Secondly, I'd tell the person who showed it you, that if he finds something like that, to keep it to himself, because it's not helpful to speculate on that and shows at best, a complete lack of understanding on his part. It would be wrong of me to judge this man as I don't know him. But, I would feel uncomfortable if he looks at that kind of pictures of people on the internet. And more so if he was obsessed with look-alikes.

 

[sea]

what are the chances?

From a file/image sharing site the chances are basically like 1 percent. Those websites are filled with literally hundreds of thousands of images and are updated almost hourly. In my opinion it is either not you, or if it somehow is you, he is not being truthful about where or how he obtained it. The most likely scenario is that it isn't you.

 

[heidi]

Wow, I'm shocked just reading this. I can only imagine what you must feel. I do agree it might not have been in your best interest for him to have shared this with you when it's only a speculation. Then again I mean I don't know you or him. I'm really sorry though. It's awful. I hope you are able to get some type of resolution. I guess it is wise advice to not think worst case scenario thoughts immediately. Although I can see how unavoidable that must be. Sending supportive thoughts.. I hardly know what else to say.

 

[angel2write]

He looks through photos all the time, some because he likes to share them with me, some because he is actually looking for women who look similar to me (never has come across one like this though). Reason for that is he has a medical condition he has to, ah, relieve himself for on a regular basis and is unable to respond to any one but me. He has never had that problem before, and I am glad of it, but not so glad that it makes it impossible for him to do what he needs to do. It would only bother me if I were available and he was doing it, as is, I understand. He often goes through tumblr and just surfs for pics.

Ummm... This seems really suspicious to me, too.

It sounds like porn addict lies.

I will grant that maybe, looking at thousands of pictures, that he found one that was, or looked like, you.

I will not accept without a huge amount of proof from a good doctor that there exists a "medical condition" that requires frequent masturbation.

It sounds like B.S. to me. And a flimsy excuse to look at a lot of porn and to send you porn that will make you react so he can get off on your reaction.

 

[Phoenix_Rising]

It's not... I wasn't sure whether to post this or not yesterday but I think I will since my partner is not a bad person or a creep, I know it is easy to misinterpret someone's actions/personality based on a small piece that is portrayed in a post. And I was not exactly being clear of who was who in my original post since I was so stunned. And, I have also been there to his doctor's and specialist appointments, and various tests he has had. And they have confirmed inflammation is present.

Thank you to everyone for your support, I have basically been trying not to think about this at all because I can't deal with it, I am going to talk to my T about it tomorrow.

So here is what I wrote yesterday:

Re-reading my original post, I was so stunned, it makes it sound like I am talking about one person, but it is 2 different people, my ex, and my current partner.

For the sake of clarification, current partner is not a creep or abusive in any way.

The reason for the online contact only was a mutual decision on both our parts, we plan to have our first "date" since our break-up in August, in January. This was decided because, although we were technically only split up for about a month and a half, (as previously mentioned we have been together for seven years, and have had in person contact for all of that, except these last 4 or 5 months) we wanted to work on the issues that had arisen the last year we were together, and it is easier to talk things out and to think of what we are saying and what we want to say, when we are typing, versus a face-to-face, or phone conversation, which we also do some of the time. We did not want to rush, and wanted to do things in a healthy way.

As for his medical condition, he has chronic prostatitis, which has not responded to antibiotics. Basically it is a disorder that causes inflammation of the prostate, and causes pain in general, during the day, just sitting, during an erection, and makes ejaculating during sex very painful. Masturbating, to the best of my understanding, it drains the prostate, and prevents fluid from building up. He really struggles to do that (not helped by the fact he isn't interested in any woman but me).

His doctor has told him that it is something he needs to do regularly, which he struggles with as he really does not enjoy it or even feel anything--another unfortunate effect, which is loss of pleasure or sensation--besides the pain. Prostate massage helps as well, for the same reason, to release fluids and clean it out. I am not sure if his is bacterial or not (bacterial can still be extremely difficult to treat). He has pain and loss of pleasure and sensation whether during masturbation or sex. These symptoms--pain in his prostate in particular, worsen, if he does not do this on a regular basis. That includes not just sexual acts but just sitting at his desk at work, or at home. So do erectile dysfunction and loss of sensation. He already has difficulty experiencing any pleasure when he orgasms (only occasionally he is able to, and I do not want him to lose the ability altogether).

It can cause difficulties, and pain with urination (he also has, and takes medication for) and erectile dysfunction (he also has, to a degree). That is why it is important he does it, because he could end up with complete dysfunction, and/or never able to physically enjoy sex again due to pain and/or not feeling anything. He also has regular kidney stones, which could easily have contributed to both this problem and his urinary difficulties, but he has had the urinary difficulties (having to go constantly, inability to empty his bladder in a normal way when he is not on medication) his whole life, and the bacteria from that, (and any scarring from the kidney stones) could have contributed to the development of the prostatitis developing later in life.

There really is not much they can do for this, antibiotics (didn't work, although I have read it can take up to a year), alpha blockers (which he is on), pain medication (which, since we both have chronic pain already, and use pain meds which does not seem to affect this), prostate massage, and draining of the prostate, and the usual life style changes, eat healthy, manage your stress, etc. There are only 3 ways to drain the prostate, which are masturbation, sex, and prostate massage. And frankly, no one is going to massage his prostate, I would probably be the only one to do that and it doesn't particularly appeal to me, either, since I would have to stick my fingers, (sorry) up his anus to get there. I don't find that idea very appealing, gloves or no gloves.

None of which I would be discussing, except I really don't want any one on here to think he is some kind of creep, because he isn't.

And why I do not have any issues with him looking for women who look as much like me as he can find (but not this, with this one, he was concerned), just women who have similar characteristics to me. I am glad he can't respond to anyone but me, but I am not glad for the difficulties it causes him, especially since I do not know when we will be intimate again. I know he feels bad about looking at those pictures, but it is the only way he can do what he needs to do. If I were there and available, it would be a different story.

And no, I have not given him, or anyone, for that matter, naked pictures of me. And the pic in question even if it were me is not anything he could have access to as it would be me with the body I had as an anorexic 20 year old, not now, and he did not know me until I was 27. I was that age when I was with my other ex, and he is the only one that could have done this. As far as I know, there is no pics of me that age naked, period. Until I saw that, at any rate. So there is no way he could be responsible (or helped by someone who was) for that photo in any way, even if he were the type of person to do that, which he isn't. The only way any one could have that is without my knowledge or consent, 14 years ago.

So, anyway... I know people try to reserve judgement, but he really is a good person, so I don't want it to seem like he is not because I was too shocked to write it out properly in the first place.

So, if you made it to the end of this, thank you for reading all that, and letting me clarify the situation (and hanging in there at the rather gross parts).

 

[maddog]

Oh, Phoenix...

Hugs.
I'm so sorry.

Don't know what else to say, but it must have hurt to share all of this, a lot.

Maddog