Protecting My Kids From My Pain

[Kb3]

If I snap at one of the kids (my daughter, especially, has a way of pushing my buttons), I always go back and apologize and talk to them about it. I try to explain to them that it's not their fault, that I cannot handle stress, and it is my flaw, not theirs. I think that part is crucial. My mother used to dump all of her problems on me, and it always made me feel like it was my fault. It is very important, that they know that none of this is because of them, even if I (mistakenly) take it out on them.

Wow, did I stumble on this thread at the right tIme. I love your strategy Moonshadow and I have just had it suggested to me that I should tell my kids that I have PTSD, which I am strongly considering doing.

I have three as well, an 11 year old, a 7 year old and a 4 year old. None of them have any experience of me being normal. I have been symptomatic since the birth of my oldest, although at the time it was thought that it was post partum depression. I have had full blown symptoms since the youngest(my traumas are not birth related though) but it was my middle one who has suffered with me the most. I don't know how I will ever make it up to her, but I am trying as hard as I can, including getting her therapy. I can't bear the thought that she will be more vulnerable to this terrible disorder.

Like I said, I haven't told them, but my PTSD is the monster that rules the house too, and they all know it. Since I've been correctly diagnosed and treated, things have gotten better, but I still have bad moments and bad days, like today. I'm currently upstairs in bed while they all watch tv until their father comes home. Frankly, it's better that way.

I told them that I wasn't feeling well(true)and that I needed to rest(again true). They prefer that to me yelling or spacing out. They can understand when someone is "sick", but how do I explain the horrible things that have happened to me? I'd really rather that they didn't know that stuff can happen. I wish that I didn't know it could happen.

 

[Helliepig]

The hardest part about having kids, for me, is watching them reach the ages I was, when awful things happened to me. I see how young and innocent they are, and I see myself in them. I was that young innocent girl. I once had that vitality. I had hopes and dreams. Until my vitality was stolen, my hopes crushed, and my dreams shattered. Now, every day, I stumble across the shards of my broken life, constantly cutting myself on the razor-sharp remnants of the girl who was destroyed, to create the shadow of a woman who has taken her place. I miss that girl, but I know she is gone forever. Just as I know that this Shadow will always grieve for her.

Yes I know this one. It's hard for me now my son is 9 too because I fear him becoming a person of his own that might reject me or involve himself with people who reject me..... funny what gets triggered.

I have always apologised to him if I lose it...but you know, it does help them to understand that noone is perfect and that anger isn't destructive and fearful, it's mum having a bad day. I think we too easily imagine our children to be as alone and terrified as we were, as easily hurt as we feel. I know for one my son isn't like that. He has his insecurities as much, but probably no more than, anyone else. He knows he is really loved, which is more than I ever had, I involved other people in his life from day 1, so not isolated and scapegoated like I was.
There is a danger in trying to hide too much, to pretend too much, that is the stuff that makes people crazy - a mismatch between what they see or sense, and what they are told. Kids also don't need perfect parents. They just need good enough.... and to be loved. I also think a lot of us with PTSD are caring sensitive people who have good gut instincts and an urge to improve on what was done to us. Just because we have been really hurt doesn't mean we aren't caring decent people any kid would love to have as a parent. We are too quick to blow up our hurts to look like monsters to the outside world...

 

[Queen Boudica]

All so true Helliepig.

I have 3 kids too, similar ages 11 year old girl, 8 year old boy and 4 year old girl. My 11 year old is the one I worry about, too anxious like me. It is just like Helliepig says:

we too easily imagine our children to be as alone and terrified as we were, as easily hurt as we feel

 

[mamachick]

I think there might be a little silver lining here with having small children, at risk of being too optimistic.
I had daughters 18 months apart when I began having symptoms of ptsd-they were newborn and 18 months old. Much of mine came out with chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia at first.

Because I had these small children depending on me and modeling after me, I went to counseling and managed better than I may have without them. Those days were not easy, I remember pushing forward. I seemed to develop and incredible amount of patience, etc.

Events happened that set me back a few years ago, around the time of empty nest, and I have such a difficult time, I think in part, because I do not have the same motivation due to having small children.

 

[mstaz]

I am a mother of 3, and I homeschool my kids, so there is no break. Ever. Fortunately, they're finally old enough that I can go sit by myself for periods of time, when I need to. This was much more difficult, when they were very young.

Reading your post made me think of my son he is 10 , when I have a bad reaction as he puts it "mom your ptsd acting up again" and I tell him yes but like you I do appolize and try to discuss his feeling about it, without making him feel it is his fault. My son then gives me hug and tells me it will get better.

 

[Kb3]

My son then gives me hug and tells me it will get better.

What a great kid!

 

[Kb3]

Because I had these small children depending on me and modeling after me, I went to counseling and managed better than I may have without them.

This has been the case for me too, and while it has been a fairly graceless affair, I have managed to get a lot better because I felt that I had to. My kids have been a very powerful motivators for me to be well, and I feel very lucky about that.

I'm sorry that you had some setbacks at the time that your kids were leaving home Brat. I can see the difficulty in finding that internal motivation - have you found your way with things more now?

 

[mamachick]

I had a lot of internal motivation for many years. However, when I seperated 8 years ago, my kids have worked at breaking me down, health and emotional. Unfortunately, in our society of entitlement, I failed to teach them that their mother was due any happiness.

 

[Queen Boudica]

I failed to teach them that their mother was due any happiness.

And your crappy ex H did everything he could to make sure they did not let you have any happiness. You do deserve happiness and you know that now.

Time to start teaching your children that lesson.

 

[mamachick]

And you know what, he was a crappy husband.
I always said he was a good father. Then I read some place that "a good father models being a good husband to his children so that they will understand what a good husband is"

He was not a good father either. A good father would have not forgot marriage conseling appointments, he would not have been ok with not having a date with his wife without kids for 5 years, he would have addressed his sexual dysfunction, and he would have not shaved his face while his wife while his wife was waiting by the door to go to the ER with chest pain.

When they seperated, he would have allowed the home to be sold and gotten an apartment so he could spend time with his kids, rather than live with his mother and make no room for his kids in his life. He would have wanted some time regular scheduled time in the parenting agreement. He would not have displayed to his children "poor me" your mother doesnt love me for years.

Crappy husband-crappy father-crappy man

Lizio, you made me laugh for the first time in many days. Thank you

 

[Queen Boudica]

And you know what, he was a crappy husband.
I always said he was a good father. Then I read some place that "a good father models being a good husband to his children so that they will understand what a good husband is"

Crappy husband-crappy father-crappy man

He sounds eerily similar to my ex H.

Don't let him crap on you anymore. Start hurling some of that shit back at him, so he gets buried in it.