Can Anyone Make Sense Of All This Please

[Sdn]

If the worst you do is develop a diaper fantasy then congratulations on being awesome. High five. I wish those who hurt me instead had diaper fantasies/fetishes.

 

[MrBill]

I appreciate your ability to understand. Which is part of why I got on here. The other being to be able to find understand and identification with others who also share PTSD in all the levels and degrees of being affected. I have been seriously affected and have been told that I will never be with out it ever. But, at the same time I have docs and therapist also tell cause the statistics of the live I grew up through I should have become so strong to push against the pit falls I could had become. That I should write a book on my life as therapy and the potential other who I may be able to help. Instead winding up being some drop-out crack addicted loser living on the street. Well unlike I was raised I actual have a serious intellect tested with a 192 IQ. I not only did I complete high school with no thanks to public school system who tried hold me back I went to Job Corp got my GED with honors and my Diploma with honor on the year I was intend to graduated unlike what public school told me I couldn't do. Instead I have my bachelors of art degree. Which even with my life long natural talent of art my parents too told me I would never make something of it. To quote " You work a job and you not suppose to be happy, its work that what you". I can't help it if they never pushed for aspirations. In my case looking at their junking dysfunctional ways it gave me something look for especially doing all I could to not be them. Even though still I am scared to ever be a parent, I fear that in one split second I could act them and I couldn't live with that.

But yeah I am on disability, I have days I forget to do things or can't bring myself to do them. I feel like crap from the moment I wake. I play video games and what not to at least the get negative emotions out of the foreground of my mind. What saddens even more now I don't paint as much I used to and should be. But I push as hard I can. Cause know it just get worse if I just lay down and let it. Much like what I grew up through. Cause there's always more than you can see. Even though PTSD can dark the view of the path. Which some what works for me cause last year I was diagnosed with Glaucoma, and I have had to pop my knuckles and joint since first grade. An art has two thing the never want to dream of losing their hand(s) and eye sight.
Which I know for me would break my heart but at the same time I know I should create every thing I can before that day can be imagined...

So, even though I live with feeling like shit I at least try find good with in it. As an artist the PTSD no matter how its done me wrong, it's also granted me the true understanding of humanity and human condition to push my even further. Cause I want to change the way the would thinks. So my painting and if I ever write a book (which I told that book would be a best seller and quiet inspirational) I hope it changes the world view on life that many act as if it doesn't exist be cause the don't want to see what wrong. I want to open eyes on what they do their dambedest to ignore but should face reality including that people like can't just "Get over and move on" only if things were that simple.

 

[Abrasky]

I don't understand how one can like liking a symptom of their PTSD. They like things with their PTSD, I understand. It's usually a memory they are trying to recover. But how can one like the liking. Does that make sense? I don't like my hyperventilation for example.

I'm sorry for your experience OP.

 

[freakofnurture]

I don't understand how one can like liking a symptom of their PTSD.

Maybe it makes sense when you call it 'changed way of fulfilling needs' instead of 'symptom'.

I've had a lot of - and still have some - trouble with accepting that much of what makes up 'me' is PTSD. How can I like something about myself that is the way it is, due to horrible things being done to me? But when I translate it into a physical metaphor: Imagine my p*rents had chopped off my legs. Would it be strange of me to enjoy the feeling of freedom while I race down a hill in my super cool action wheel chair instead of running?

We PTSDers have the same needs every body else has, we just need to have them fulfilled in different (more explicit, tangible?) ways because we are ill. It feels good to have needs met; why should we worry about the way we actualise this, as long as it doesn't hurt anybody?

 

[MrBill]

Us with PTSD especial those of us who it's affected their entire life. Like myself. Any one else expects you to just get over it and move on. They don't get the idea. If it were only that simple we would be troubled like we are. Cause I know I never ask to have emotions that conflict what or how I feel even about myself. Such as the fact I am happy with whom I have become and the life accomplishments I have achieved and learning about who I am as person, but all the while I have emotions that loath me for all that too.

But for us living life in the hands of PTSD are granted something more from life that the ignorant that don't understand our lives, we are granted a greater sense of humanity and what the true meaning of the human condition is. I have embraced this as an artist who has a truck load of PTSD. I know great amount of psychology cause to understand myself it was a translator who I am and why in some ways. So I apply that in my compositions of painting.

In the hopes to make the viewer think more on the message of a painting. I do to a level that is much like making a rape scene look beautiful. Which yeah is an oxymoron. But it's also like why people stare at a car accident. They see something horrible but can't look away. Well I make imagery that draws the view in were they can't just look away. Instead forces them to take in the subject and have to think about something that they would normally avoid. Which in a way is what us with PTSD are. I have memories of pain, anger, sadness, and shame and we are never allowed to just look away.

Which only recently have I even realized that's an aspect of what I am doing in my compositions but I still see it as something that needs to be done. Cause if you look at we are granted what I strive to make other see in art. Become more enlightened by seeing things without the choice of blinders, seeing human life in all of details including all the dark dirty nasty details.

Am I right in this idea or am I off in some way???

 

[freakofnurture]

But for us living life in the hands of PTSD are granted something more from life that the ignorant that don't understand our lives, we are granted a greater sense of humanity and what the true meaning of the human condition is.

I'm pretty allergic to the romantisation of mental illness, so maybe I'm seeing things that aren't there, but...

... PTSD is an illness. It's like depression, herpes, bulimia or genital warts. It's not philosophical, it's not magic, it doesn't grant one any insights at all that are independent from the person you are/would have been without it.

Look at our abusers. Many of them have been traumatised themselves and developed mental health issues - even PTSD - due to that. But they didn't derive any deeper insights, quite the contrary. Their humanity was destroyed by the trauma and/or their way of dealing with it.

Good for you that you use it in your art; I use my experience in my writing. But that's because you are you and I am me. It's not because we have PTSD.

 

[Helliepig]

it doesn't grant one any insights at all that are independent from the person you are/would have been without it.

Look at our abusers. Many of them have been traumatised themselves and developed mental health issues - even PTSD - due to that. But they didn't derive any deeper insights, quite the contrary. .

I'd agree with that. I think open and honest suffering can lead to deeper humanity, growth and insights, (not just from PTSD but from anything). Having PTSD itself, in the absence of facing it and working through it, doesn't give you anything but pain - developing more and more defences to try and avoid what someone once termed "legitimate pain" - and often pain for others as a result - AKA abusers.

It's the path you choose through it , the humility and willingness to think the unthinkable about yourself and life in order to heal... maybe the insights come from there.

Mr Bill, I don't know much about the subject you're discussing, but my T once said that things along this line, ( I don't know what to call them other than fetishes as a collective term for urges of this nature and you say this doesn't apply to what you feel, so i have no other term to use other than "things of this line" sorry, no offence meant ) can be connected to very early life trauma and/or sometimes even birth trauma. I believe there has been research about it but I'm afraid that's all I know.... just thought I'd mention that it is something developmental/abuse psychologists and therapists are aware of (or some of them at least).

The content of your art - making someone look at something that would normally make them look away - could it be that you are making them do what was done to you??? Forced to have feelings and look at things you didn't want to look at?? A bit like someone might tell overly scary stories to their children to master their own terror by " harmless, good intentioned" frightening of little defenceless ones. A way of communicating your trauma or pain?? dunno - was just a thought.

 

[MrBill]

In my art I am using a view point things in society that people intentionally chose over look. Like the homeless, hate crimes, rape. They avoid it cause they don't want understand it. Like pro lifers, I am sure they have never seen the view point of a 12 girl who gets knocked up cause of rape and molestation. No they see that the offspring should live a life hindered by a horrible action that was committed by a person ill will. Does put into perspective of what I do and work to achieve. Viewing the taboo things people avoid to concern themselves as existing. Hence similar why most don't understand the perspective of having PTSD if the don't live with themselves. You could say that it's like readjusting the open view of morality by seeing the worst that can be. Do you think an over eating wealthy man who has everything knows what it's like have to do with out anything.

 

[MrBill]

Oh and the one's that follow the chain the action are able to get help cause they disable themselves to see what the positive model is and only fall into a bad example. Which those of us who have seen what life should be out side themselves with PTSD. We have an upper hand on life in an aspect. Because we may hurt from it but at the same time we feel that pain cause we know what humanity is and the pain only heightens that perspective. In my case every since I can remember I was fascinated with the image of a yen yang. Long before I knew or could contemplate it's meaning. Ironically that actually the path I have use to make my life work, I must balance the negative and the positive. I have except the bad to have the good in life. It's also why I proudly wear as a tattoo to always remind me of that aspect of my personal struggle through life.

 

[anthony]

Every single person has bias, ignorance and misguided intents. Saying that, there is no answer that can ever be given to answer the above, outside of individuality. It is the path of every human being on the planet, which makes us all unique from one another, thus you will NEVER get all people to not be ignorant to EVERYTHING they don't understand.

Technically, it is impossible to understand everything on the planet, thus ignorance is part of the human psyche.

It's a very open and unending debate when you go down that path of discussion... because to answer any aspect of it is to immediately cite bias due to individual experience obtained in life.

 

[unquenched]

Well, I didn't at all mean to come across as ignorant and judgmental. I suppose the issue I have with adult diapering is on MY side of things, only when I am the other adult asked to be the one administering the diapering. This would make me feel like I was sexualizing an infant, and that would not be a comfortable feeling for me or something at all consistent with my values. But you playing alone in your house in diapers... sure, to each his own. If it comforts you, then give it a whirl.