Starting To Get Depression Warning Signs

[Lady of Longbourn]

I am in my 2nd semester of college. In my first semester I was hospitalized. I know my warning signs of depression and suicidal ideation. I know what I have to do when it becomes life threatening. I am not afraid to get help if I need it at this point.

I have a few worries that I am headed down that path again and that I can't do anything about it. My T says I shouldn't worry about being hospitalized, as it's a so-what problem and not a what if. Meaning don't worry about it, and if it happens, my health is more important then school.I can get aid again, school will just have to deal. But...

The reason I am getting worried is the signs of the 1st semester are showing up again. Depression, low self- esteem. Pressure and stress. French is becoming a huge stress on me. PTSD causes major memory problems, which I didn't think of when I signed up for French. I thought I could handle it, and intelligent wise, I know I can. I know I can get a decent grade, I just have to study harder to be able to memorize the words. So it's not the work that is getting me down, I can handle that, it's this...

The biggest problem I am facing, is that every time I go into French class, a huge wave of self loathing and fear comes over me. I remember being a child and that deep sadness and shame I felt not being able to know the class material. All the students around me seem to be able to answer my French teacher, and when she calls on me, I am quiet. I don't know. I am blank. I can't even think about French, I just fly back in elamtray school and be treated like I was slow. Every time I go into the class it's a new adventure into the hate I felt for myself as a kid and shame. The biggest part is the PTSD short term memory problems.

So twice a week, I am getting knocked down. All that work I have done in the last few months ( maybe even years) to better mental health is being shot to pieces. Twice a week I have to pick myself up. I isolate for days afterwards. I get angry and irritable. I start showing the signs of depression. I am not taking care of the house and starting not to take care of myself. I am starting to picture myself trying to do my school work from the hospital.

I tired dropping the class, but I missed the deadline and will loose my school aid if I do. I tried changing the class for something else, but I missed that deadline too.

I have no idea what to do. I am not sure how much longer I can keep trying to pick myself up. I am not healthy enough to deal with it right now.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I keep holding that I will suddenly be able to just take it, tough it out and get over it.

But most people here know that's not possible. :(

I feel weak and useless.

 

[milbert]

Falling behind in a class can trigger all the feelings you described. It's still early on in the semester, so most of your grade hasn't yet been decided. This is a good time to get extra help from your instructors.

Do you have friends in the class that you could study with?

If there are already study groups in your class, could you join one?

Can you sign up for extra help sessions, or even hire a tutor?

Have you talked to disability services (or something like it) at your college? They will probably be able to help you out.

 

[freakofnurture]

Also, have you talked with the teacher? Maybe there's a way to reduce the number of occasions she calls on you? And do another reality check, that you are, in fact, not perceived as being 'slow'?

Shame is such a nasty feeling.

 

[jimmy-joe]

Mantra!

I.E. : who cares how far I am, the french don't even know how to spell!

(:p yes tis a joke, but really, come on, Marleo > Marleau or whatnot!)

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Husband and T think I should drop the class. I can appeal loosing the aid.

I feel guilty. :(

 

[freakofnurture]

I feel guilty. :(

Nawww :( You tried and gave it your best; no one could ever expect more from you.

 

[Barberian]

Take care of yourself first and formost. Sometimes failing is a necessary part of life. It gives perspective that you might not achieve if you suceeded in everything in life. Failure is not a mesure of a person, it's how we deal with failure that is important. To never fail is to never have tried.

I hope the above doesn't sound off the cuff or pre-manufactured and insincere. My own imagination is horibly slugish this morning and I've had to borrow from the wisdom of others.

 

[jimmy-joe]

Just be careful about quiting, :p idk what your decision is looking like, but lol if you quit because you are afraid, not because it's above your capability, that will ream you with doubt, lol, I'm a walking billboard for quiting because of fear and why you shouldn't do it.

lol i think i may be more projecting my fear, but eh, it's legit

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I am not dropping all my classes, just this one. So to me, that makes a huge difference in the quitting department.

 

[jimmy-joe]

The biggest problem I am facing, is that every time I go into French class, a huge wave of self loathing and fear comes over me. I remember being a child and that deep sadness and shame I felt not being able to know the class material

All the students around me seem to be able to answer my French teacher, and when she calls on me, I am quiet. I don't know.

I know I can get a decent grade, I just have to study harder to be able to memorize the words. So it's not the work that is getting me down, I can handle that, it's this...

Food for thought, what do the other peeps matter? You CAN succeed, so you don't know everything, that just means you're braver than the peeps who won't try w/o having taken it all through high school or are just touching up on their native language.

Lot's of people are quiet, I had to repeat answers because I was too scared with peeps I had been going to school with for like 3 years to talk in anything other than a mouse-voice. Lol when I hit that yuckiness known as college, idk if I'm gonna be able to answer the questions I know by heart lol.

If fear is a wall, each little battle you lose may not tip the whole wall, but it puts another brick in, just the same. Each battle you win you pull a brick out, until fear is more like a Corvette than a wall :p

lol idk if that analogy works, but, lol all just food for thought*

 

[Meadowsweet]

I think that with or without ptsd, sometimes people do start a subject and then realise that it isn't for them.

It sounds like you are thinking this through and talking to people about it and that shows that you are going through a process of making a choice for yourself, not just running. So whatever you decide, be proud of yourself for making a decision.