Isolate from stupid as a defense

[Bill Dickerson]

I don't tolerate people very well any longer. Number one I feel like I have to wind myself up like that little doll in the depression commercial. I get tired of winding myself up.

Number two I speak my mind and when someone says something really stupid It's best I get up and leave the room. The latter is normally related to my relatives.

My Nephew got arrested for doing something really stupid Monday and now may lose his job because of it. I loaned them money so he could get out on bail. They came over to pick a little more for the lawyer tonight from my Mom. My Mom asked me to come visit with them awhile and make him feel better. About ten minutes is all I could handle. His girlfriend started saying a bunch of stupid stuff about the cops.

I was one I don't need to sit around and listen to a bunch of stupid stuff. Whining and bitching about this and that. How does that help. I feel bad for him and I think he will be OK. Getting a lawyer tomorrow like he should have to begin with.

My Mom wants me to give him some advice duuuh get a lawyer and/or don't do anything my brother-in-law (his dad) would think is a good idea.

I'm tired of dealing with that part of the family it's one drama after another, after another. I've seen enough drama and stupid to last me a life time. My drama and stupid glass is full.

If that isn't bad enough my Mom who I love dearly never understands why I can't stand to visit a lot with my relatives.

Should I try harder? Is it OK for me to Isolate? That wall I put up seems to keep the Tsunamis out. I have enough earthquakes to deal with on my own. I'm just very frustrated.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I think when people isolate, it is often from the world in general. And may be a response to fear and shame.

But what you seem to be talking about here, is keeping out of the way of carefully selected people. It seems quite rational to me.

 

[Lionheart]

I agree with Meadowsweet.

I think it's entirely appropriate to assert your boundaries in this case.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I know this is a serious matter, but I had a good chuckle at the bit about your drama and stupid glass being full. I'm gonna have to remember that for future use.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

I can't really add very much to this, as I agree with all of the posts that replied to you before my own post here. Boundaries are essential. I have found that boundaries are in essence simply expectations. It is clearly drawing the line in the sand for what is needed in order to have a healthy relationship of any type. It says 'I will tolerate this, but not this, and this is what you can expect from me.' And your mom, you say that you love her which you no doubt do, maybe setting up those boundaries will help her to understand why you do/have not visited more, as well as will allow you to visit more.

The thing is, for me at least, it took me a long time to realize that I did have a choice in how I responded to people. For a while, I would take so much of their stupid and their drama in and eventually my mind was reeling and by the time I could say anything to get them to stop it came out really rather ugly. It took a while for me to learn to use the words, I believe that while you have a right to your opinion that I disagree with you and your line of argument/ complaint and would appreciate it if you could have enough respect and consideration for the people around you to not continue in this manner. Your nephews girlfriend for example, talking negatively about police, that is one of those circumstances in which it is diarrhea of the mouth based on emotional reactions and illogical thinking, that is the time for you to say, I was or am a police officer (once you have been, you are, like military) and I find this to be very unconstructive and offensive, please just stop and start focusing on the actual problem.

Most people who react emotionally or illogically and speak in that manner, are often not even aware that they are doing so or that it effecting the people around them. Asking them to stop is setting your own boundary without having to say- you can or cannot do this. It is not rude to tell someone, I am offended and please stop offending me. It would be rude to rant or use excessively foul or harsh language. But a simple, I am not ok with this and this is why, that is within a normal, healthy and acceptable boundary for communication. not only will it set up boundaries, but you may start to find that with that healthy level of control that you no longer need to isolate yourself from your family, and you start feeling good about being with them again. Just my thoughts. I could be wrong, but that is where I would start.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

You can pick your friends but you can't pick your family. I've tried to explain to my Mom what PTSD is but my PTSD bone isn't sticking out of my body so it's hard for her to understand. I get frustrated with her in that respect but I can't get angry.

Being assertive with some of the folks in my family will only create more drama. Out of respect for my Mom it's better I leave. Expecting them to act in a rational manner would be a pipe dream.

I try as best as I can to insulate my Mom from their games and their drama.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

I know this is a serious matter, but I had a good chuckle at the bit about your drama and stupid glass being full. I'm gonna have to remember that for future use.

In retrospect their crap is often funny. Unfortunately it takes a while to be able to look at it that way. It's kind of like being hit in the head by Mickey Mouse. After the first hundred times it's gets annoying.

 

[Zipperhead]

Short visits just to say I'm still connected. Hey, when I visit, I bring a trailer so I can excuse myself to return to the camp ground. Things go better if we don't have to acknowledge stupid.

 

[Tj's Paradigm Shift]

Well said Bill. How to keep the 'Emotional Tsunamis' at bay. Something I strive for. Dramatic people are like barnacles. They attach and it's an act of congress not to be pulled into (subjected to) their self-inflicted nonsense. My mindset is they won't find an audience in me. Metaphorically speaking, ever try to remove barnacles? Cuts and scrapes as they cement in. For sure, no easy endeavor.

 

[ms spock]

Most people who react emotionally or illogically and speak in that manner, are often not even aware that they are doing so or that it effecting the people around them. Asking them to stop is setting your own boundary without having to say- you can or cannot do this. It is not rude to tell someone, I am offended and please stop offending me.

That is great advice. I like it. I just change the subject myself. I would like to get to the point of saying that this is offending me and could you please stop it and, thank you for that.

Being assertive with some of the folks in my family will only create more drama. Out of respect for my Mom it's better I leave. Expecting them to act in a rational manner would be a pipe dream.

It is good to be realistic about what can be achieved in any given situation. Leaving is a good option and it is working for you.

Dramatic people are like barnacles. They attach... My mindset is they won't find an audience in me. Metaphorically speaking, ever try to remove barnacles? Cuts and scrapes as they cement in. For sure, no easy endeavor.

Gosh yes. You really do need to keep your distance.

I am managing quite well at Art School and in a few other spheres not to get dragged in and not to allow people to attach in the first place.

 

[Sterre]

I try as best as I can to insulate my Mom from their games and their drama.

Could it be, that this particulair need for you to protect your mom, is filling the stupidity cup rather quickly?

Besides your own tolerance for drama, you also have to guard the presummed tolarance of your mother's cup. Altough I understand the need it seems a bit much to me.

Is it even possible to protect your mother from the possible hurt and drama tsunamie that your relatives brings along?

 

[Tj's Paradigm Shift]

And if that doesn't work, there's always sarcasm as a last resort to drive a point to those that won't leave you alone :)

Right on Ms Spock. As we speak, I'm looking at mini pink boxing gloves on the net. I told my clinician the other day that I'm going to purchase several pink mini boxing gloves to give to those that really need it. Clients and clinicians alike :) *lol*