Sufferer Hi, 30 Years Of Abuse Leads To Scars For Life!!!

[Gina C.]

I know exactly how you feel, I too have endured lots of abuse from my family and my ex husband, and just like you I dont even know where to begin on what all I have endured. I just wish it would get easier

 

[cjf2010]

Me too Gina, my new boyfriend has made a lot of things easier. At the same time he doesn't understand some things. Like why I get a bit bothered when he looks at other woman, but he doesn't know what my ex-husband did and said to me when he looked at other woman. Believe me none of it was good, on one night I was beat because the woman he was looking at and hitting on confronted him. So it bothers me a bit even though I know my boyfriend isn't doing anything wrong, he's extremely wonderful to me. How do you get over the sudden feeling of dread when things from your past come back to haunt you now in your present?!:confused:

 

[Girl3]

There are two ways of looking at this - and please don't think I am being mean.

Reality testing your hypothesis: how many times has your boyfriend done to you what your ex did to you? If the answer is never, then tell yourself - out loud if you have to - so you can start convincing your brain that the automatic reaction it's having isn't appropriate. My psychiatrist taught me to do this with all of my irrational fears and thoughts and while it doesn't make everything go away, it helps immensely.

The second thought I have though is people with PTSD tend to gravitate to the familiar. So we often pcik abusive people or narcissists who don't ultimately care about us - because we care so little for ourselves. Is you boyfriend really wonderful or are you painting a rosy picture of him because you want him to be perfect so he can fix you?

Lastly - if you tell your boyfriend in a calm, logical tone - what your ex did to you under what circumstances, and that you have these reactions of fear and dread when he is ogling other women, will your boyfriend understand and try to curb his behavior? Or will he explode and refuse?

People with PTSD need to find their boundaries and take care of themselves. We have a hard time doing it because we haven't been able to because of abuse. We lose perspective on what is right or wrong as regards the behavior of others towards us.

 

[cjf2010]

It's all me, and no I don't think you're being mean. I keep doing exactly what your telling me to do, but my biggest problem is it doesn't help with the sudden adrenaline rush I get when I see him doing it. I have tried to explain to my boyfriend what my ex did to me. His problem is he has never had any abuse of any kind to deal with in his family, so he doesn't even know how to begin to relate to me about it. He has tried to be a little more discreet about it when he does it since he knows it hurts me. As far as finding someone who would hurt me again, no, I was on that path again before I met my current boyfriend. I saw what was happening and decided I didn't want any relationship at all. My boyfriend wouldn't give up asking me out, and it tooks me "months" to even allow myself to entertain the thought of being in a relationship. I even went as far as telling him that we could only be friends, and he still wouldn't give up. The funniest aspect of all of this, you would never think he was my "type" and now I think he is absolutely perfect for me. In 2 years of being with him he has never even raised his voice at me. For me that is a major hurdle, I can't handle screaming and yelling after all the abuse (and chaos it brought to my life.) So thank you for your advice, I guess I've been doing it right all along, just got to be patient and let it happen the way it's supposed to. I guess my mind will realize sooner or later he isn't going to hurt me the way people in my past have. If only I could let go of the past as easily as I signed the divorce papers LOL!!! :tup:

 

[Girl3]

Everyone has their triggers - recognizing them is one of the biggest steps to getting past them. So you've already made a gigantic step towards overcoming it. Now you need to learn some "mindfulness" techniques to help you focus on yourself in a beneficial way.

When I first started reading about mindfulness, I thought "this is just meditation and meditation never worked for me before." But it isn't meditation the way most of us learn. I read several books by David Richo, PhD - and his explanations are clear, accessible, and most of all, helpful...at least for me. I am reading his book about Narcissists now, so that I can deal with my husband.

The other thing I have found is that making things funny, either by ridiculousness or parody, makes it easier for me to get through triggers. When I had to medically care for one of my rapists from 38 years ago, I kept thinking he's going to be naked and pathetic on the OR table. While it was all going on and for hours after, I felt like I would die. But I got through the whole thing, breathing, talking to him like I normally talk to patients, and when it was all over, I felt more in control than I had ever felt.

Each little victory is so sweet and important and it all adds up to something grand. I'm not even remotely there yet - but I am more alive now than I was 2 years ago: I spent a significant part of my life 'dead' to me.

If everything were as easy as signing divorce papers!

 

[cjf2010]

Everyone has their triggers - recognizing them is one of the biggest steps to getting past them. So you've already made a gigantic step towards overcoming it. Now you need to learn some "mindfulness" techniques to help you focus on yourself in a beneficial way.

Yeah I hear you there, I've been actively identifying my triggers for a few years now. I just hate the feeling I get when something or someone sets one off. I used to be such a strong and confident person, then all the trauma started to happen, and just kept on happening. Now I feel like I'm just a shell of my former self, I want that strength and confidence that I once had back. I started college this past year hoping that it will help me find myself again. My doctors only wanted me to go part-time but I'm going full-time and enjoying every second of it. I'm finally doing something for myself with it instead of taking care of everyone else. I too still struggle but I am conscious of what I'm feeling and try very hard to talk myself back out of all the feelings that aren't healthy. I will look up some of those books that you were talking about, like I said I want to be that strong confident woman I used to be!!!

<Full quote edited by KP the nut>

 

[cjf2010]

:speechless: I bet that was very hard for you to treat that person and still hold it together. You must have a very strong character to be able to do it without having the flight response kick in. I have a lot of respect for you for accomplishing that.

 

[Girl3]

I'm a character alright.

But I'm learning more and more that I have rights, boundaries, and real strength. Hope you find those things too.

 

[cjf2010]

I'm starting to! Somedays are harder than others to establish those boundaries, especially when family members I need to boundaries with like to make me feel guilty about it. But I'm learning that it's their issue not mine when they get mad or want to make me feel guilty. I'm too compassionate for my own good sometimes!!! I have a good feeling that I will keep making progress, sometimes I just need a bit more patience. :D