Is It Time For Me To Go?

[Srain]

Dearest Junebug,

I will only address one part of what you wrote, it's one have come across and often have to revisit due to my feelings of self-worth. I am not the same person, most of the time, as I once was, to me that is grounds for dismissal. Not so says those in my life now, though I go through much frustration and fear sometimes over this particular issue. I believe because it's MY frustration and insecurities.

It basically seems, no one communicates much, so I think that explains why (partly) I feel as I do, and am not sure what is right to do, or like I said if it is better to not bother being a 'bother'!, lol. I suppose I can try to 'ask' (again), but not sure if it's pride or just discomfort but I really don't want to have to go through that.

You said it "seems" no one communicates much. I wonder if they are afraid you may not be in the mood to talk, or that you are not reaching out. Sometimes people have their own lives going and think you may as well, or they don't know when is a good time to reach out. I have found picking up the phone and texting is a great ice breaker, sending cards, or emailing. Letting people know I'm available and I WANT them in my life, asking how THEY are doing when I don't feel up to talking about myself really helps.

I always dread the question, "so how are you, what have you been up to?" I don't want to bring them down or worry them so I will talk about pets, who I was just thinking of, or try to arrange a time to get in touch again. It's amazing how much this can connect me with others and allows them to know they have been in my thoughts. Just suggestions.

Junebug, I can't imagine your friends have stuck around all this time because they DON'T care. :)

((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))
Rain

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you Rain, ((((Rain)))), I am sure you are right, about 'my' part of it, or what I project. Or others' feelings/ needs, and not focusing on THAT (only). Will try to 'ignore it' (or 'myself'), even if I feel doubtful. Thinking about it makes me feel like a pain in the *ss, anyway! :rolleyes: ("*"!) :confused:

Those are good suggestions, also believe (in) like they say "Give what 'you' need".
I also am not in a position to 'expect' those around me can or would even want to help, so it's unfair to them to expect they'd understand or would, to put that burden on them. I've already asked for too much.
Hugs Rain, xox, and PS- Hope YOU are doing good, too! xox :inlove:

 

[Panama Pete]

(Though we'd probably all need chairs with our backs to the wall, lol :) )

That is why I love round rooms, it makes it easier for me to decide where I want to sit!!!!

Now I want to address some things you said earlier.

"It basically seems, no one communicates much, so I think that explains why (partly) I feel as I do..." This screamed a question at me. What, exactly, do you mean by "communicates"? Personally, I find that the people on here tend to communicate a lot. You see people on here telling complete strangers things they are reluctant to tell their spouse or significant other. I think that a big part of this is thanks to the annonimity offered by the internet. That is also probably why this can be a helpful item to have in your toolbox of PTSD treatment. Please try and define just what it is you are seeking and we will try to help you find it.

"I also am not in a position to 'expect' those around me can or would even want to help, so it's unfair to them to expect they'd understand or would, to put that burden on them. I've already asked for too much." How do you know this? Did you ask them? Did they just flat out tell you this? You are assuming facts that are not in evidence. You are probably right about at least one of them, that is just the laws of probability, but to ASSUME that for all is quite a stretch. Remember this, when you ASSUME you make an ASS out of U and ME. Don't assume this for everyone you know, you are bound to be wrong for at least one of them if not more. When in doubt, ask. That is what I always told my Soldiers all those years I was an Army Sergeant. Seemed like a good idea then, and still does now. "Unfair"? Isn't it "unfair" that you got this condition when others have been thru so much more and didn't? (That is the great lie of PTSD and you know it.) It is not a question of fairness. If life was fair none of us would be here because there would be no such thing as PTSD. Look at it like this; the fact that they don't really understand is great since that means that they don't have PTSD too! Also, you need to remember we are all different and all have different reactions to the same events. So even if the exact same thing happened to one of them they might not get PTSD, or could get it one hell of a lot worse than you did. Just because they might not fully understand does not disqualify them from want to help, or being able to help.

"The conclusions I have to draw, change (or will have to change), where I choose to live and how to accomplish that, where I go, who I trust, what I reveal or disclose (or don't, in the future), and who and 'how' I spend my free time with." True, but that goes for life in general. We do these things everyday in our dealings with others and without even thinking about it most of the time.

"I don't have a problem 'removing myself' or making myself scarce from these interactions, but I do suspect that that is more isolating. Is it 'due' to wanting to isolate, or 'shame' or just accurate conclusions drawn-who knows?" Sometimes "isolating" for a SHORT period of self evaluation and reflection can be helpful, as long as it is short and that is what it is really for. The first two reasons you lists as possible motives for doing it are NOT helpful nor healthy. Be careful here, you are getting close to thin ice.

I want you to take my comments as the gentle (and loving) comments that they are meant to be taken as. I am NOT attacking you, I sometimes have bad periods too and sometimes I need a gentle kick to get me to quit feeling sorry for myself. That is the spirit in which I wrote my comments. The most important thing to remember is that you are NOT alone in this and all the comments in this thread are the proof of it. If we did not value your comments and input, or you as a person too for that matter, none of us would have taken the time to comment here.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh Panama Pete- no- thank you, I'm not ever one to take it as attacking, Thank you for the time and effort. I surely do appreciate the words here (your own, as well). I will read them again.
xox, Thank you
(Yikes, hope 'hugs' are ok for a Sargeant, :) , -thank you- )

 

[Panama Pete]

I guess I feel God and others likely feel the same (at the very least)... I cannot manage physical pain well... When I am present (physically) the rest is so draining I can't really be of much use or/ and it's hard to communicate, it's so tiring.

First, did GOD, or the others, tell you this? It is folly to presume to know the mind of GOD. By definition, GOD is a being beyond comprehension. If we could truly know HIS mind, then HE would not be GOD. End of Sunday School. As for the others, did you ask them or did they tell you? Unless they told you this then you are assuming facts not in evidence, again.


I understand physical pain. I am currently sitting on my couch with a hole in my neck. Today is Sunday and I had neck surgery this past Wednesday morning. I had a disk replacement and a plate and 4 screws put in. I have to admit, this was easier than last July 19th. On that day I had a lumbar disk repaired, one replaced, the vertebrae between them put back into place (read that as a broken back), and 6 screws and 2 rods put in. I still have one more herniated disk, but since it is in the mid spine and not actually touching the spinal cord my surgeon does not want to operate on it. I also have osteo arthritis in both knees and both shoulders. I also have plantar faciitis in both feet and carpel tunnel in both hands. Both hands and both feet also have nerve damage from the spinal problems. I had the spinal problems for about 15-20 years and never did anything about it since I didn't want it to affect my Army career. Dumb on my part, but too late to cry about it now. Bottom line, I am telling you this because many of us, I assume, also have some form of physical pain, and whether from the event(s) that caused the PTSD or not is unimportant. What is important is that I try not to sit here and say "I can't do this, I can't do that, and I used to be able too." I do sit here and say "What CAN I do today?" This is one thing you will definitely have to take one day at a time as you will have good days and bad ones. BTW, can you hear those bells? Oh, my bad, that is just my tinnitus in BOTH ears! Buck up, you are not alone.

 

[Panama Pete]

(Yikes, hope 'hugs' are ok for a Sargeant, :) , -thank you- )

Sergeants need hugs too!

<Full quote edited by KP the nut>

 

[Tinyflame]

I guess- no, I 'hope'- you are right, PP, in that I think I 'feel' (a burden in my heart, don't mean it to sound corny just can't find a way to describe it better), that within the understanding or help (in 'real life'), I am a 'heavy burden to carry' (for others). I actually haven't told anyone about the ptsd. You made me laugh, however- your statistics :) , yes one that definitely it would make it worse (if I said it), one maybe the opposite-(?).

I suspect that knowing 'how' I am and not being able to 'explain it' (because I haven't said anything) makes me feel like, oh God- what a mess.

I guess, too, I always felt it 'my fault' I got ptsd.

 

[Panama Pete]

I guess, too, I always felt it 'my fault' I got ptsd.

Did you set out to get PTSD? Did you ask to get it? I assume the answer to these is no. Therefore, if my assumption is correct, to feel that way is illogical.

As for being a "heavy burden to carry" goes, try communicating openly with those in your physical life. You say you haven't told anyone about the PTSD, and that may be a mistake. I am not saying go out and get it tatooed on your forehead, but to have an open and honest dialog with an important peson (s) in your life. Don't forget to throw in a heavy amount of education too since they most likely will either have preconceived notions or no idea what it is all about. You don't need to tell everyone, but you do need to tell someone. That someone needs to be someone you can go to when you need a physical hug or someone to hold your hand. Part of your problem could be you are trying so hard to "hide" this and appear "normal". Well, no one is normal, to include those who don't have PTSD. While this forum can be a valuable addition to your toolbox, you can not downplay the benefits of a physical, face to face, conversation about this with someone from time to time. The physical conversation will allow that person to pick up on all the nonverbal communication that you will be screaming at them that we just don't see thru the internet.

My PTSD recovery just started recently even though I now realize that I have had this for over 20 years. A big part of this is me trying to educate my wife about it too (my go to person). She is highly educated (MBA), but this is totally different from anything she has ever had to deal with. Until I got the formal diagnosis a few months ago (and admitted I had it), I doubt she had ever even heard of PTSD. The point I am trying to make is you don't have to pick a "PTSD expert" as your go to person, just someone you trust and will support you. Since from your posting it appears you have known for some time that you have this and have been dealing with it, maybe having to educate that person will be a helpful part of your healing process. Stranger things have happened. Still, the idea of "going it alone" in the real world is probably not the best course of action. Even Tarzan had Cheetah.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh Panama Pete, -you are too funny. Somehow the image of 'Tarzan' just makes me laugh-and talk about a ('his') unique style of communication, lol.
But thank you, -truly, and dearly.

First I have to say- God bless you, re: the surgeries/ rest, PLease take care of yourself, also!!!- I know you understand more than words can say, and far more than I. Yes, damn physical issues are frustrating! But each one - (your) back/ feet/ ears- etc (did not forget the rest, just OMG, my heart goes out to you), I can relate with (some of) the back/ wrists arthritis, etc. I actually always had a great physical pain tolerance- am not used to it interfering, never went to a Dr for over 20 years, even if I broke something or needed stitches, but my pain so much less than yours, I know. Though I am strong- lady at work calls me "Baby Hercules", lol (around a 100 lbs but I can lift twice that. Mind you- kind of stupid, too, my guts feel like they're going to fall out lately.)

I almost hate to admit it, but I think you are right. Everything is 'true'- normally I'm (fairly :rolleyes: ) logical but 'distorted' when it comes to myself, also self-pity I loathe (in myself), more so of why I (also) don't say anything. I grew up in a semi-military househould- dad and relative worked co-joint with the military, but as civilians. So- you know- grew up believing 'sympathy' was "between sh*t and syphlys in the dictionary
", kind of thing. So, I managed to basically 'manage on my own', -was happy to, didn't even need a babysitter etc, as a little kid. And I never said a word to anyone about what was going on, what I couldn't handle, or ask for help Pre-ptsd, or post. Though I tried to 'fix' stuff myself (including 'me').

But of course, that's not all 'true', either, because also it's the (potential) stigma, etc. Though I don't feel that way about anyone on here, -truly! If anything, when I hear the stories (your's too, to the little extent you have shared), I think you are super-brave, and what wisdom you have to share. And how lucky I am, to have that.

You have said some incredibly kind things. And are very 'hopeful' of the 'kindness' within others (with the caveat of 'explanation', OMG I understand).

Like you, I've had this bloody ridiculous ptsd for almost 30 years- managed ok-ish after about 5 years from when it started (working 21 hour days, mind you), then I 'caved' about 3 years ago.
I guess I think, who-the-hell needs to hear 'that'.
But, you said this:

Did you set out to get PTSD? Did you ask to get it? I assume the answer to these is no. Therefore, if my assumption is correct, to feel that way is illogical.

As for being a "heavy burden to carry" goes, try communicating openly with those in your physical life. You say you haven't told anyone about the PTSD, and that may be a mistake.. You don't need to tell everyone, but you do need to tell someone. That someone needs to be someone you can go to when you need a physical hug or someone to hold your hand. Part of your problem could be you are trying so hard to "hide" this and appear "normal". Well, no one is normal, to include those who don't have PTSD. While this forum can be a valuable addition to your toolbox, you can not downplay the benefits of a physical, face to face, conversation about this with someone from time to time. The physical conversation will allow that person to pick up on all the nonverbal communication that you will be screaming at them..

.. Until I got the formal diagnosis a few months ago (and admitted I had it), I doubt she had ever even heard of PTSD. The point I am trying to make is you don't have to pick a "PTSD expert" as your go to person, just someone you trust and will support you. Since from your posting it appears you have known for some time that you have this and have been dealing with it, maybe having to educate that person will be a helpful part of your healing process. Stranger things have happened...

OMG, -I think you are probably so correct, because it is something I'd never consider doing. (Some where up there with choosing to get 'voluntarily be-headed', lol). I get intense self-hatred and shame when I ask for help. Or frankly if I ask for anything. But you found exactly the right words- the 'screaming nonverbal communication'- I feel so badly it can be construed as something to do with 'them' -it's not their fault. That's part of the burden, to hurt other people or their feelings and it is my fault, -not their's.

Wow, these things are so foreign, to me. Mind you, I am intensely private- like for example I remember even a guy I thought of marrying, years ago, took 2 or 3 years before he even realized my dad was 'dead' vs 'divorced', ha, so talk about a 'bad communicator'. Also, to be honest, most people used to call me 'Sunshine', or say you should be a comedian (which you wouldn't know from this forum, lol- ugh). Real truth of the matter was all-the-while I had the ptsd/ flashbacks/ gross anxiety/ SI, etc - go figure :rolleyes: .
So yes, if nothing else at least it'd be honest.

Maybe it's the 'missing link"-(?)

My God- what a thing to suggest PP. Don't know if I should 'hate you' or thank you, lol.
(No, of course Thank You :) )
Though I must say you have tremendous faith in people.
(And you are So Darned Sweet :) )

{{{{{{Bear hugs, then}}}}}

 

[Tinyflame]

Also, I really like the 'What CAN I do today" (or this minute, etc), -thank you. Plus am trying to learn to ditch the self hatred/ feelings of shame/ blame for what I can't.

And geez, re: the 'God' part, never really thought about it 'that' way- not sure 'how' or 'what' God would want me to do- but never thought of 'that' type of thing, have felt like kind of a 'ptsd-contagious-leper', kind of feeling.
Yikes.-

Weird thing is PP, I actually don't feel like it was a 'raw' deal, but yes did blame myself. Which, well, isn't 'true', -like you said. Have always (in my heart) thought too it's not 'that' bad -have not gone thru what Vets have, etc.
And am VERY thankful if others are not familiar with what ptsd entails.

All I can say to everything is 'wow'. And thank you for such kindness yourself, also-

 

[melody]

What is important is that I try not to sit here and say "I can't do this, I can't do that, and I used to be able too." I do sit here and say "What CAN I do today?" This is one thing you will definitely have to take one day at a time as you will have good days and bad ones.

Well said Pete! I also recently had surgery (messed up both my shoulders) and need to stay positive and this statement is definitely one that can help! Because what I CAN do today, is much more than I can't do - if I'm really honest about it, and if I stay positive! ...It's strange how the negativity sets in and makes you feel so worthless sometimes... Good thing I have you guys and the rest of the forum to keep me in line lol!

Did you set out to get PTSD? Did you ask to get it? I assume the answer to these is no. Therefore, if my assumption is correct, to feel that way is illogical.

OMG, -I think you are probably so correct, because it is something I'd never consider doing. (Some where up there with choosing to get 'voluntarily be-headed', lol).

And these two statements... So aptly put! None of us asked for PTSD, so we definitely shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed about it. We are what we are, and from where I sit... I see a group of kind, sensitive, supportive people all looking for a way to make our lives a little more acceptable - for lack of a better word. ;)

 

[Tinyflame]

And maybe, somehow that can help others, too.