Relationship How Do I Cope With Ptsd Wife?

[Hashi]

PTSD (and physical illness) is a reason for finding things a struggle but it's not a licence for shouting, snide comments or other negative behaviour. It can happen, of course, but I'd be wary of it happening without your wife wanting and trying to change. A repeating pattern of difficult behaviour/apology/quiet then difficult behaviour again is not going to help either of you.

I think ProudWife99 and LizardViolet have healthy approaches. You need to agree a way together to communicate when either of you is not able to behave reasonably or respectfully enough, and then be able to take time out until you can. And you need to stick to what's agreed and not vary from it.

I really think having counselling has to be the free choice of the individual, but your wife is more likely to make that choice if she realises she can't continue getting by without it by relieving her feelings in this way instead.

 

[JohnJohn]

Mitch,

Welcome. Everyday will have its' ups and downs and I believe supporters kind of go through our own type of trauma while we try to help loved ones who suffer from ptsd. Today for example is my turn to have a crappy day, while my wife (the sufferer) remains distant and almost emotionless and numb to the turmoil her traumas bring into our family.

Believe me I am ready to "fix" this and want to take the direct route out of this fog of misery, but being supporters we all know that we will likely leave our suffering loved one behind. So, what remains for us is the question on how long do we stay, subjecting ourselves to similar emotional perils and pitfalls loved ones face.

Everyone has different perspectives, strengths and levels of tolerance, but Mitch we must all answer in one way or another the question of “what to do and how long to try and do it?”

Mitch I wish you and your family the best during your journey with this nasty issue, but know that you and your loved one are not alone. Don't give up without a fight of some kind and being here shows that you are actively looking for a way out. Find a path that works for you and then you may be able to see a way out of the fog together.

 

[Mitch]

Thanks for the advice everyone. There are some good points I can take away from it. I certainly sympathise with John John when he says that his wife can sometimes be aloof, emotionless and seemingly unaware of the effects of her trauma upon the rest of the family.
Sometimes it makes me feel guilty that I can't always protect everyone else in the family from my wife when she has one of her episodes. Most of the time I bear the brunt of it so the kids are ok, but that is not always possible.

 

[Mitch]

Its strange how the PTSD actually makes the situation worse as time goes on. For example my wife has got so used to being accountable to no-one but herself for years (due to pushing people away relationships had previously failed to get past the barriers she had put up). When we got together it was doubly hard for her.
It was, and still is, hard for her to think as a couple, because she is so used to being in charge and making all the family decision on her own. When I have a wish to participate my presence is unwelcome and my opinions of no value. I can put up with that from my wife as I understand the reasons for it, but I worry when I see our children following the same attitudes and showing the same contempt.

As they are my step-children and have been part of the family for longer than I, they receive preferential treatment and I am not allowed to be involved in their discipline and upbringing. But I love them and worry.

 

[LizardViolet]

Treating your partner with contempt = one of the biggest danger signs in a relationship. You need some minimum of positive interactions to have a healthy relationship, even when there are big difficulties like ptsd. John Gottman has a some great books about building a more positive, healthy relationship, for example The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. That book saved my marriage.

 

[ProudWife99]

As they are my step-children and have been part of the family for longer than I, they receive preferential treatment and I am not allowed to be involved in their discipline and upbringing. But I love them and worry.

Your worry is warranted, in my opinion. We take a lot from those who raise us and being unwilling to accept help, criticism, and staying distant even from those we love can definately be characteristics children see and take as "right".

I will keep you, your wife, and your children in my prayers. Step children or not, they are a part of your life and your home. It is in everyones best interest to stay on the same page.

 

[Mitch]

You need some minimum of positive interactions to have a healthy relationship, even when there are big difficulties like ptsd.

Thanks for the advice. I agree. I read my posts and sometimes they focus on the negative. We do have good times, laughter and love too. But the ability to communicate about about our problems is something that we need to work on.

 

[Mitch]

I will keep you, your wife, and your children in my prayers.

That is very kind of you. Thank you. I don't think I have that many people pray for me. I feel quite touched. May God bless you too.

 

[Tinyflame]

You have more now Mitch. :)

 

[Mitch]

You have more now Mitch. :)

Thank you. The people on here are so nice. Sometimes I feel like I am fighting a battle on my own against a foe that only I can see. I don't feel like I am so alone now. Thanks. It means a lot.

 

[Pale Warrior]

I don't feel like I am so alone now

You are not alone, we share and care for each other as we all battle the daily onslaught of PTSD.

 

[charlieb]

Hi Mitch
When I started reading this post it felt like I had written it myself, my wife too suffers with PTSD, we had two young beautiful boys and I worry so much that they will grow up with a distorted view of life because of our situation. My wife has had some counselling but has stopped going, as you have said things come in waves it can be very ...no not very good but ok, ok for a while then all hell breaks loose for a couple of weeks, the walking on eggshells, usually I apologise for whatever was said or done and the cycle starts again.

I have thought about leaving but I can't leave my kids, and I want to help my wife live the life she deserves but what do I do? Over the years I have alienated all of my friends because going out always lead to arguments at home, when I do go out I joke about asking permission but it's a fact!

From just beginning to read some of the posts on the forum I realise now that I need to look after myself as much as my wife, I've alway thought that I didn't need counselling but today....I think that may not be a bad idea

Thanks for sharing, take care of yourself

Charlie