Relationship Just Need To Vent To People Who Get It... Again.

[Sephira]

I am reasonably attractive, am intelligent. I have a doctorate-I'm an educated professional woman. I *know* if I left my beloved, I could find someone really great...the problem is, I love *him*. And I want only him.

I'm so freakin' tired though guys. So, so tired. He lied to me yesterday, and I very calmly called him out on it. He was calm back, and we talked. Suddenly his phone loses the battery, and he's gone. 30 minutes later I get a text he's going to sleep and I'll see him in the morning. Then I know I've triggered him.

This morning I'm an emo bitch who brings him down when we talk. He's plain nasty during our entire conversation. I know, I know, I KNOW I've done nothing wrong. It is completely reasonable to expect honesty in a relationship, and it is reasonable to confront him when he lies. Somehow though, I find myself apologizing.

I'm sick of apologizing. I'm sick of the blame. I'm sick of being rejected, and being told white lies to supposedly protect my feelings when he isolates.I'm sick of the roller coaster of being fine one minute then something happens and everything goes to hell. I'm sick of only being able to talk about video games, and fluffy pink bunny subjects to avoid triggers.

He didn't call me on Saturday after he said he would. I was worried. His response was he couldn't be bothered to turn on his phone and load up messenger to let me know.

I'm angry because he voluntarily took this job at the PMC, and voluntarily stays even now where he is constantly exposed to highly stressful situations. He can't get treated in Bahrain-there isn't anyone qualified to help.

I've read these threads and they all have similarities. Sufferer isolates, carer feels rejected. carer gets blamed when sufferer gets triggered. Sometimes, I wish I wasn't adding to the threads with the same stuff. I wish I could post and say "Hey guys!! My beloved is 100% better. We're awesome now!"

I'm probably co dependent, but am working on fixing that. I know I need to let him make his own choices, and I am not responsible for that or the consequences that result.

How do you guys who have been in long term relationships do it? There are days when I just want to leave because he treats me like crap. Then there are the good days when I know I've made the right choice in staying and I'm so happy. How do you guys deal with this and still be emotionally healthy? I've been with him three years, and knew him before his PTSD. I've been with him two years with it, and I'll be honest-riding the roller coaster gets old.

 

[sisu]

Hello Sephira,
Sorry you are struggling with all of this...it does suck. And honestly, if my guy was ever nasty or constantly angry with me I don't know if I would stay. Little by little that would break me apart in a million little pieces that I may never get back in the right place again. With that said, my boyfriend has had his PTSD since 2002 and I met him in 2007 - so he had a pretty good handle on it before I ever met him. We had some struggles in the beginning and broke up for 2 years. We reconnected almost 2 years ago and have been doing pretty well. He is able to convey what he is feeling and knows its him and not anyone else making him feel that way. He accepts it. He works on it. He takes the meds and sees the psych doc. I think your guy hasn't accepted that it is him yet - and he is not getting any help right now so he is not in any sort of control of his PTSD.

I've got no good advice but to look after yourself. Work on your co-dependence and find your happiness again. You sound like a wonderful caring woman and you deserve to be happy. I do get that you love him - but sometime love isn't enough. Love = happy, not pain. (((((Sephira)))))

 

[Pale Warrior]

How do you guys who have been in long term relationships do it?

Our post trauma relationship is built on hard work from both sides. We both struggle, we both drop the ball from time to time but when the dust settles there is discussion (sometimes tears) and hug. It's two steps forward one back.

I would have walked out long ago had he not acknowledged his problems, committed to therapy and worked at his healing. That said, we still have issues about his memory and those are our current "hot buttons". I have walked away for a period, to give us both time to think and reflect and to be sure that we both knew why we are still busting our guts to keep the "us". A reality check.

As sisu says, love should not equal pain :tdown: and in my opinion, neither is it able to sustain the trials of PTSD without demonstrable commitment from the sufferer. I can work on myself as much as I like but without husband taking his share of the work the PTSD would still be in control and, frankly, I would be a divorcee.

 

[ProudWife99]

I completely agree with Pale Warrior (as I often do!). We both make mistakes, but when we're calm enough to discuss them and things settle down, we cry, we hug, and we move on. The difference is that we both SEE the change in our spouse. If he said "i'll get help. I'll get better" but never did I doubt I could have stayed. I think the key to our marriage continuing to work is that we both never quit working at the same time. When I'm exhausted and want to scream, he picks up my slack and is there to support. When he can't seem to get a handle on things, I take care of as much as I can and give him space. We try to work out a balance.

However, if both together and separate he was not getting help regularly to deal with all of these things, we would not have made it this far. I've seen the ugliest, darkest parts of him and I've accepted him, but that did not mean I accepted those were all I would see. I gave him an ultimatim and then prayed like hell he'd make the choice that didn't wreck me. Get help, make improvements (no matter how small they are) and keep going.

2 years after everything went chaotic and we still struggle, but we never talk in terms of divorce. Neither of us even consider that thought anymore, which for us, is more progress than I would have ever thought we made. It's possible, but BOTH individuals have to want it that bad. Just one can't want it enough for both of you.

 

[Sephira]

Hi Proudwife, Sisu and Pale! I guess I'm just frustrated because he *can't* get help in Bahrain. I was really frustrated a few months ago and contacted both the national PTSD center and Dr. Charles Figley, an expert on PTSD. Both said that there was no one on the island qualified to treat him. So, while he's there-it's going to be unmanaged.

I think I get sucked in thinking we're okay until another blow up. Sometimes I even forget he has it, then something insignificant sets him off. And it takes so damn looong for him to get over it.

Like Sisu says-he hasn't accepted it's him yet. He genuinely thinks I'm often not nice or super annoying. But he chooses to stay, always chooses to be with me. I give him the opportunity to leave and he always wants to stay, so I can't be that horrible.

Just really frustrated because love does often equal pain for me. He's my best friend though, he's helped me through some really horrible times in my life. How can I say to my best friend-I can't deal with you anymore?

On the other hand, this isn't going to go away. This isn't the flu that will be gone next week. If he doesn't get help, this will be my life.

Time to set more boundaries when he calms down I guess. Thanks for listening guys.

 

[Pale Warrior]

because love does often equal pain for me

I am so sorry, that's awful. I hope you manage to sort things out enough to gain the self esteme needed to value yourself more than that statement indicates. I know I did, and the rewards are ... astounding.

If he doesn't get help, this will be my life.

Sorry, but that sets the alarm bells ringing for me. Anyone who "chooses" a life of pain ... I don't know how to put this nicely ... needs help. Or perhaps to admit their co-dependancy/masochism and get on with it. I don't know...

Time to set more boundaries when he calms down I guess

If your no is actually a maybe it's worthless. Boundaries have to be adhered to to have any meaning or value, simply setting them up to be ignored is a waste of time and emotional energy (well it was for me).

I hope with all my heart that you can resolve this and keep yourself safe and secure, you deserve better.

 

[Tabitha]

Hi, just a little note to let you know I know exactly how you feel.

(((hugs)))

 

[ProudWife99]

On the other hand, this isn't going to go away. This isn't the flu that will be gone next week. If he doesn't get help, this will be my life.

Time to set more boundaries when he calms down I guess. Thanks for listening guys.

It does not have to be your life. Through the first few years of dealing with A's PTSD (and my own at the same time) I kept thinking "this is going to be my life. This is what I get for the rest of my life." My counselor looked at me one day and essentially told me that if I kept making the choice to accept my life the way it currently was, then yes, this is how my life would go. He pretty much laid it out there for me that I had a choice and If I choose to not only stay but allow bad behavior to continue, than I had as much guilt in my misery as my husband did.

I guess what I'm saying is that we, as people, are given the gift of choice. While sometimes that gift feels like a curse, it isn't. We are not "stuck" anywhere. It may feel that way sometimes, but you deserve better. You have to know that.

Prayers