General Is A Friendship With Me (an Ex) In Her Best Interests?

[JPJ708]

I recently bumped into an ex-girlfriend of mine from almost 6 years ago and we've be catching up. Bumping into her was a huge surprise because I haven't seen her in almost 6 years and we live in different cities about 3 hours apart.

To make it very clear, I'm married, I love my wife, I have a beautiful 2 year old daughter and a little boy on the way. I'm not looking for a relationship with my ex, just a friendship.

I'd like to have a friendship with my ex, but I don't know if that's in HER best interests. I really have no one to talk to about this so I thought I'd give it a try here, since you might understand.

I broke up with her almost 6 years ago. She has PTSD from sexual assault. She was on medication but still had a lot of anxiety that really controlled our relationship. I did really love her (no feelings now). I thought I could handle it but I couldn't. I made the mistake of promising her that I could handle the relationship and that I would never leave her because of the PTSD/her past. So when the relationship ended it really took a toll on her. She thought I was "the one", that we were going to be married, that she finally found someone who loved her, for her and accepted everything she brought to the table.

In conversation I learned that she isn't in a relationship right now, and hasn't been since our break up. I made the dumb mistake of asking why as she's absolutely stunning and in the most painful way she said "No one wants me" and she doesn't think a man ever will. I will say she does come with a lot. I always thought it would be a lot harder for her to find someone, but never impossible.

The way that she looks at me, I can tell she still has fairly strong feelings towards me. Which makes me skeptical about keeping a friendship. I don't want to hurt her or give her false hope. I know it hurts her to see me with someone else. When she first saw me she smiled, when she saw my wife come up and grab my arm her expression totally changed and she looked heartbroken and forced an all too familiar fake smile. To make it worse (for her) my wife is pregnant and my ex is infertile (born without ovaries/uterus). So it basically threw everything she wanted right in her face.

I feel like I owe it too her to keep a friendship. Just knowing she doesn't have anyone makes me feel terrible and some how responsible. She is amazing and deserves to be happy and I feel that I took that from her. She is only 25 (I'm 29), but she has always been a hell of a lot more mature than people her age, even mine. Of course I asked her if she wants a friendship and she said yes and that it would be nice. But I just don't know what's really best for her.

She mentioned that she stopped taking one of her meds which helped with anxiety, nightmares, depression when we broke up because "there was no point taking them". Going back into her life (just as a friend) could be beneficial to her, but could also hurt her more. I'm just so damn unsure...

 

[amethist]

Hi JPJ708

My first instinct is to say please be very careful here, bells are ringing very loud. What I am going to say may sound harsh, but it is for this ladies benefit as well as yours. These are just my opinions others may think differently.

You have moved on with your life, a lot further than you probably thought possible at the time of your break up with this lady. You have a wife and young daughter with a son on the way, which are your priority.

She may not have done, and could still have a flame burning for you. Knowing you were the only one at the time who did try and help her.

If you did build up a friendship with her, would you be able to keep set boundaries, as in if she has a rough patch, I mean a really rough patch, could you honestly say you would not put her issues before your families, if she begged you for help. Could you say no sorry I cannot speak to you just now, if you were busy with a family thing, without feeling guilty.

You could possibly be dragged into something you dont want, and it could cause a rift between you ane your family.

Encourage her by all means to go out and do more for herself, which she obviously has been doing for the past 6 years.

You dont actually owe her anything, and you are definitely not responsible for her, but you are for your own family. And yes she does deserve to be happy, everyone does, but you are not the one to find this for her, she has to find it herself.

I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but I hope it makes you think before you act in the wrong way.

I would back out carefully before it gets too much for you all. Put you and your family first always.

Amethist.

 

[Lucycat]

You dont actually owe her anything, and you are definitely not responsible for her, but you are for your own family. And yes she does deserve to be happy, everyone does, but you are not the one to find this for her, she has to find it herself.

To me this is the key. It sounds as if you are wanting this friendship because you feel guilty. Don't! It was nice that you met but my instinct is to say leave it at that.

 

[Nicolette]

My questions to you are......

• What would your wife think/feel? Does she know?
• I wonder what your true feelings are? Have you gone to the extent of joining the forum as a supporter for her or is there is someone else in your life with PTSD?

 

[ProudWife99]

I feel like I owe it too her to keep a friendship. Just knowing she doesn't have anyone makes me feel terrible and some how responsible.

I must admit, I felt a little triggered by this statement. I would be completely uncomfortable with my husband envolved in any type of relationship where he felt responsible for their happiness. Especially if we had children.

She survived 6 years without you providing anything for her and she can continue to do so. She does deserve happiness. I pray that she finds it, but I firmly believe that happiness should not be found in you.

Just my opinion though.

 

[LizardViolet]

Don't pursue a friendship with her. It will just give her false hopes.