Toxic Friendships

[Anna]

Today I feel relieved. I finally got rid of a "friend" who was completly toxic. Just being around this woman was making me ill.

She would never ask how I was or my family, she was completly egocentric. Always "me me me" all the time. Give but never take. She also made disgusting comments about people behind their back. Problem is one of my other very good friends who is a sweet kind woman is still friends with this lady. Anyhow, I told her I don't care, just don't expect me to be around her as she makes me feel really sick.

Stangely this lady also has problems with other people who complain of the same. I know deep down she is nice, but she is so toxic, only poison comes out of her mouth.

Do you think because of abuse we put up more with people that are toxic? and feel bad when we let the friendship go? A lot of people who are "normal" broke ties with this woman before me as they recognised before what she was like. Ok she may have problems or whatever, but when someone taps into you and becomes toxic it can be really destructive.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Yes, I think abuse alters our ability to make sensible judgements of people and to know where to put the boundaries.

 

[Muzikluvr]

Do you think because of abuse we put up more with people that are toxic? and feel bad when we let the friendship go? A lot of people who are "normal" broke ties with this woman before me as they recognised before what she was like.

I definitely struggle with this. I believe it directly correlates to the hurt feelings I had in being different because I was abused. The difference that the abuser made in me alienated me from un-abused children. That alienation led to me being alone and vulnerable, thus easy prey for more abuse. It was like the un-abused kids and their parents, who recognized my toxicity because I was confused by the abuse, were rubbing salt in my wounds. Not only did the abuser traumatize me, but he also damaged my social abilities in ways that I couldn't understand or repair.

So, when I see someone who's obviously been abused, clearly feels alienated... I tend to reach out to them. And further, when I see someone who is very skilled at keeping toxic people away, I feel unworthy and ashamed around them. I shy away from them to avoid the rejection.

 

[The Albatross]

For me it's a paradox... I feel "less than" around safe, healthy people, and then I feel stressed around people I consider to be peers but feel "comfortable" or "familiar with. I try to be expansive enough to learn how to tolerate both and cultivate both.

 

[Anna]

I feel stupid as well. I thought after all I had seen and been through I would be able to spot this. I was suckered into believeing she was something she wasn't. I am dissappointed with myself as well for letting her in, trusting her.. Well, won't be making that mistake again. Once bitten twice shy!

 

[Spiderallis]

I felt bad walking away from a toxic friend, she was going through a self-inflicted crisis which I forewarned her of when we parted ways. I understood that she had her own issues, we didn't really have boundaries, and I just couldn't be a part of that any longer. Still seems like I'm better off without friends than with a friend like that. The only thing I miss is being auntie to her kids. I can do without spending my life as designated driver, free labor, an alibi, or the way she was screening my potential dates to see if it would benefit her in any way.

 

[Beverly G.]

I just got out of a toxic friendship and it hurts like Hell. But I know that in the long run I will be better off. I think part of the problem for me is that I don't make friends easily so when I get one I tend to hang on forever.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Oh I think my friend picker is broken. At first it is ok. I let the red flags go by me without paying attention to them.

Then something gets said which hurts me. I get patronized. The off the wall remarks. The lack of good boundries. It is always something.

Good friendships take a long time to cultivate. I have 2 friends. I do not see them as I used to but we keep in touch by the phone. there are excellent boundries and everyone takes good care of themselves.

I have had so many toxic friendships, I had to break off contact with all of them. There are alot of toxic people out there, there are good people too. But it takes time. No such thing as instant friendships.

I am learning to go by how a person makes me feel. If they make me feel bad then I leanr to pull back.
But there are certain situations that a toxic person will be in a social circle and I will have to get along with them, for the sake of social order, I hope this makes sense. I won't be close to this person, But I will get along with them. Not a false peace, I guess it is like a work situation where you have to be around this person like it or not.

It is better to get along with them, then the crazymaking and the high drama and head games. Having good boundries help with this. I can still get caught off guard and be surprised. I hate being ganged up on. I will always have a problem with this kind of stuff. Geez I hope I am making sense. Great topic.

 

[Philippa]

I can do without spending my life as designated driver, free labor, an alibi, or the way she was screening my potential dates to see if it would benefit her in any way.

Ugh...seems more like she was just a user, than a friend.

Did you get anything out of the friendship? It's give and take, and I think it's a good idea to do regular inventories and decide whether the friendship is adding value to your life in any significant way.

Some people let this stuff go on for years, and just waste time, so it's good you did what you did...though I know it's hard.

I just got out of a toxic friendship and it hurts like Hell. But I know that in the long run I will be better off. I think part of the problem for me is that I don't make friends easily so when I get one I tend to hang on forever.

I think some people can read this about people who have trouble making friends. I was like this a few years ago, and this one guy I befriended really played on the fact that I had no one else. He decided that bullying me and taking all his own crap out on me was ok because I would just keep coming back for more.

He didn't know me very well. I have spent lots of time...by choice, friendless...and I don't mind it at all. It's definitely better than being around people who just abuse the friendship and treat you like crap because they think they can get away with it, because you'need them more than they need you'.

Anna, I think it has a lot to do with what you are familiar with and used to.

So, if you grew up with people like your friend, then even though you feel sick around her, it is so familiar to you that a part of you feels stuck...like you are drawn back into that family pattern again, and even though it feels bad, you are used to it.

Maybe on some level, you have thoughts deep down that say you deserve this? Maybe also reaching for better is uncomfortable, since you aren't used to anything but toxicity?

These are just some thoughts.

If you aren't aware that you have that belief deep down that you don't deserve better, then it would be much harder to be able to challenge it, and so the pattern just perpetuates itself.

 

[Spiderallis]

Did you get anything out of the friendship? It's give and take, and I think it's a good idea to do regular inventories and decide whether the friendship is adding value to your life in any significant way.

Very good point Phillppa. In hindsight I wonder about the motives behind it, but she did help me see that my ex husband was abusive and helped me get out of the situation. For a while we had a good friendship, I told mutual friends it was a 'difference in morals' that caused the parting of ways. Somewhere in the healing and growing process I started becoming more than she wanted me to be.

 

[Philippa]

Yeah, it sounds like she was good for you, for a while, and then her abusive side took the wheel, which doesn't make her a bad person...just no longer healthy for you to be around. Who said friendships have to last forever? Some Hallmark card!

 

[TeddySue]

I have three cousins left of my biological family. Every one of these is toxic in the extreme. After years apart, a second cousin sent me a nice card and said she felt she should do something. So like the proverbial fool, I reached back, only to find the fingers on that hand chewed to a pulp. She had told me that she would eventually **ss me off, and so I had to prove her wrong. Anything she needed, I was there: money, furniture, clothes, computer, food, etc. Nothing I can do will ever be enough to assuage a toxic relationship. I walked (ran?) away hurt and disgusted with the knowledge that I would NEVER go there again. Thus began an overhaul of my small number of friends. In fact, I pulled away from everyone, not trusting myself to read the relationships correctly. My goal is to take it slow with new people and NEVER take it upon myself to "fix" another human being with what I can give.