How's Your Day Been? Each Day is Different, So Make Your Mark Daily

[goingonhope]

have begun to think and almost believe that if I would just drink beers or wine throughout my day, interrupted with some rum & coke's, I'd again think straight and be just fine. This has to be BS.

 

[YoungAndAngry]

Nah hope, not BS... just avoidance kicking in.

You sound like me... I know it's not good... but my mind needs the break so bad that I just crave the escape.
The fact that you a recognizing it rather than just indulging... thats exactly what you want to be doing!!!

 

[goingonhope]

Nah hope, not BS... just avoidance kicking in.

Ya' thanks YA....you nailed it. AVOIDANCE ... I have a long history of avoidance behavior. AVOIDANCE is so ingrained in my pyche and so much of a habit since I was preschool, that now at 39yrs., I don't know where it begins and where it ends.

Six hrs. from my last post here and feeling more competent. I used the forum's search for the first time today, selecting the word abortion. I read word for word at least four of the threads that resulted. What I'm feeling now, who knows? Will say, that I know what an abortion is and what it does. Sickens and hurts me very deeply. I wish I could ERASE reality and my life's decisions. I have no control over the present realities and results of my past decisions and life that are now scattered all about and hitting me square in the face...not now. Don't really know yet how much control I ever did or didn't have, as I haven't yet had the time to delve deeper. Must!.....

In most of life in general, I tend to be unreasonable with myself, I've dragged this unmerciful, unforgiving and unreasonableness with and toward myself, along with me eversince I was very young.

Today I posted suggesting that I'm not willing to do whatever it takes to heal....now I realize, 6hrs. later and with much alone time and availability that I am willing and that the only thing that's going to slow me down, but not stop me, is the reality of my families life as it is....that being a very busy family life.

So here's to:occasion: me remaining on track, having just passed through....just exactly what I needed to, and better off for it. By the way, that's sparkling cider or something of the sort in those glasses above. lol

 

[Deleted member 93]

Hope, I am glad you are feeling strength to fight this and apparently address an issue and trauma that needs it. My heart goes out to you. You can do this. We will be here.

 

[becvan]

I am soo tired, Sleeping but not sleeping. I've been fighting in my sleep again. I don't remember why but even my dog won't sleep with me. (you know it's bad when) woke up tis morning at 6 am while in mid swing. Barely any sleep. I went to my dad's for the day, first time since x-mas. He asked if I was emerging frommy fog. nope not relly. tried to sleep there too. nota chance. Got home laid donw, i just woke up, and had a biazzare dream about my eldest and his grandmas. I woke up stressed anf figting.. still no sleep..

so my question is.. WHO HAS MY FRYING PAN? I want it back because I need to get knocked out again.

I am exhuasted and I can't tink and I feel like crap.. so give the frying pan back! Ohh an dyou have to hit me with it too.

bec

 

[GR-ass]

LOL

Bec, reading your post I read Got home got laid :faint:

snuggles and hides
Guess it means almost sleep time for cass *is rat shit*

Slept 4 hours last night with sleeper.

Freaked on Luke beforehand when he tried takingme home.

I have told him about the abuse (can't remember if I shared that) and he knows who did it too.

Gacks and starts crying yet again.

I am so sick of the fecking yo yo moods GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

 

[Deleted member 93]

More of my weekend not day. Very flustered. I know my teen and hubs are busy during the day so I ask extremely little those days maybe clean out a cat box (which also means in male traslation scatter kitty litter all over the floor but don't sweep it up since I did not say that part) or put the dogs on the run, but it is not like I am not busy with a 3 yo. I still manage to cook and clean. Friday I let her drag out her toys as that day I just did not care to chase and clean up behind her every move, I was wiped. But why is it when they have the weekend off they have it off? No cleaning, no laundry... Why is it the only version of a day off I get is when I crash into symptoms? It pisses me off. When I feel well it takes little time to have this house back in top order, laundry takes longer obviously. But if I ask for one of them to clean a room that apparently comes out in male translation of will you pick up objects so big you could trip. Or even better move boxes of crap against a wall, I mean I did not say unpack your things. Hubs still has a few boxes of paper work packed in our room that I am going to have to wrestle into the garage as I am sick of looking at them. For the love of god get a rag and wipe something. Do not do me a favor and cook a meal when you leave dishes all over and crap spilled all over the stove to "cook on". Again is a rag that hard to use if you cook and spill something? I swear it is like 3 kids come through here messing everything.

I see now hubs is back to work that his version of his share will be running to the store. I want a flipping break too. Why can't they spend a Saturday to help me get laundry done? Pick up the house? Help me with it do not leave it for me to take care of. I am seeing where a major source of stress was from before. If hubs works then I am obviously a full time maid to all 7 days a week. I don't get a weekend off. I can sit and not do anything without complaints but I watch the mess build up around me that I will have to take care of later.

Now my request was Coke Blak. Has just enough caffine not to throw me into a panic attack (long as I move) but enough to rev me up to knock out cleaning. I will give hubs credit that after I found where our kitchen sink was leaking and pulled the part and gave it to him he replaced it with what I told him. But I also told him this is a perk of a rent house!!! We do NOT have to fix this shit, the owners do. We already fixed a broken toilet and now pipes under the sink. Yeah. But that just makes me wonder... We do not own this house. So why is he willing to fix this ones little problems that the landlord should but not fix our kitchen sink with the same issue at our house we owned or the toilet there????

I did not cook last night as there are a bunch of left overs and told them have left overs. My son acted like I slapped him. SO I did not enter the kitchen until this AM. Hubs may have fixed the pipe, I have to double check it. But he still left soaked towels all over the damn floor... Hubs says I make a mess too. He points to my end table. My mess is confined to and end table that takes all of a minute and a half to take care of. My mess is contained!

I just realized I need to go take out the trash. Just what I love, sliding on frozen white shit. WHy the hell can't snow just stay snow? Why this partial melt to refreeze??? Like walking on it is not hard enough so they have these huge special trash cans (more like 3 cans in one) I have to wrestle out there and not bust my ass... I hate the cold, I hate the white shit. I hate being everyones flipping maid. I would just dump their laundry into a pile to let wrinkle... Thing is they don't care and will just pick what they wear day to day from the pile. It would drive me more insane.

Next weekend I am hiding computers and game cords from them. They will help pick up their mess. My son did help pick up his sister's toys. And just dumped them all in the middle of her floor, so lets just mess up another room grrrr. How is it they can do this? How can they say the place looks great and looks like you did a lot of work and proceed to drop their shit all over the place as the statement just slips past their lips? They are getting left overs again tonight... Explaination when they ask. I was too busy picking up after you to cook!!!

 

[YoungAndAngry]

Veiled, I have the same feelings as you, last month I declared to my boyfriend that his employer gives him at least 1 day off a week... my employer on the other hand (helping around the house) doesn't pay me, doesn't give me any days off... not fair.

We make sure I get at least 1 day off a week now... it might be Friday, it might be Wednesday, all depends on when I need that day.
But on that day, "favors" are forbidden... I will not go grab anyone a drink... I will not make meals... I don't clean... I try to enjoy the break.

Right now I'm watching my parents dogs... so I've got 3 mutts running around, lol... No day off this weekend, but that's OK because I was the one who signed up to watch them.
Quite the change to go from my 1 extremly well-trained dog, to adding 2 babied little dogs. I love them to death... my stress just gets to me

Ummmm.... gotta clean upstairs 'cause my parents are coming back from Cuba today, and they are going to stop in to pick up the pooches.
I'm hoping they bring me some Cuban Cigars!!!
(since I couldn't go... that was my only request)

 

[vcc123]

bad

Bad day, bad week.. the worst.. cant eat.. cant sleep.. want to move out.. I'm soooo done. uggh.

 

[cookie]

strange day, hard day at work. i love my class, but i don't want to go tomorrow! i just want to sleep, hoping to maybe tonight...been a while.
cathy:sleep:

 

[wildfirewildone]

I have to go to traffic court AGAIN tomorrow!!!! I called them and told them that I'd have all the fine and court costs for them this coming Friday...but nooooooo budging!!!! And there is a snow WARNING out for tomorrow so the 45 minute drive will be even longer esp. if there's accidents on the major highway that I have to take there!!!! [ which usually happens when lthe roads are bad with snow!! ] Assholes!!!!!! My anxiety levels are off the charts!!!! All weekend all I did is sleep and cry:crybaby: :crybaby: There is financial problems elsewhere concerning my rent for February....I can't handle saying about that now.....I am really getting depressed about having to live in abject poverty due to my PTSD.....and I'm :angry-fla angry and in pain about the fact that my "father" traumatized me for 18 years resulting in my PTSD and poverty....I am really getting depressed because I can see no way out of the poverty in my lifetime....here I go crying again....I will probably end up in the hospital in Feb. as I won't have the money for my meds once again and the depression is deepening....I am so upset that I face getting "locked" up [in hospital] because of his shit that he did to me!!!! :boxem: wildfirewildone....LOSING THE PEACE

 

[goingonhope]

Today surprised the hell out of me, as it was an exceptionally good day. Children off to school, much accomplished around the house. Free-time for myself. Dance...karate...and dance again, this afternoon for children. Husb. is different this past week...wonderfully different. He's been great. Thrilled! Just had to run upstairs to let him know how wonderful and appreciated he is. My God, a bit fearful to even post this and make it a reality, bc things change...boy' do things change quickly. For the good, for the bad...the indifferent...Whatever. Things Change! I love this stuff'...things change. In my past, and without hope and help, nothing ever changed. Nothing! ...you name it. One horrid day looked just like the next, or worse, and I wasn't doing no healing neither. I would have liked to have been..but that's another story.

Today, I spent some X'tra quality time with my children today that blew us away. Had replaced a bird cage and went looking for the stand in our basement, after searching in this painful crawl space, daughter and I jumped down only to find it right near us. She started singing, "We found it, we found it, shake our bootie, shake our bootie...We found it! With joy all over her face and her palms up circling and dancing, I couldn't resist and joined in. We went on for 10+ min. simply having a blast.

I must say, though my son and I did get some quality time together too, in the middle of it all', I was a bit surprised when he told me the story of a woman he'd met at the library who had been hit by a hit and run driver and left there. He then looked as though he was on the verge of tears, ....and then he says, "Mommy, was it you who hit her?" Wow! Where does this come from? We talked for sometime about many things and I learned a real lot more about my son, our relationship, and some of his fears.

Back to a damn good day, (today anyhow), well rather evening now.