Sufferer Molested As A Child.... Tired Of Keeping This Secret

[SAG]

I'm so tired of waking up and going to sleep angry. After almost 20 years of not speaking and keeping the secret of what my brother and others did to me for most of my childhood, graphic memories are starting to resurface. I have so much hate, I feel so ashamed and stupid. I just want to heal and be as happy on the inside as I appear to be on the outside.

 

[HëllaBubz]

((Sag)) Welcome to the forum!
I can relate to what you are saying, and wish you all the love and support you need to heal.

xx
Bubzilla

 

[Ice_Fire]

Hi Sag. Welcome to the forum. :)

 

[bitzer]

I feel so ashamed and stupid

That's the internalised Parent voice (unconscious) talking; don't give it power by agreeing with it from your conscious mind.

Oppose the negative unconscious Parent voice by developing a positive conscious grown-up voice - get into the habit of telling your inner Child that:
- you love her
- she is a loving caring person
- she is better than her actual parents because she doesn't go around hurting people for no good reason, so she doesn't have to listen to their poisonous messages any more.

Imagine you as a grown-up taking yourself as a tiny baby in your arms and telling her that:
- the nightmare is over
- you are going to be there for her
- you are not going to let anyone hurt her
- you are only just starting to learn how to care for her so you might make mistakes to begin with - if you get it wrong for her, tell her that that matters to you and that you will want to put that right for her
- you understand that she is going to find it difficult to trust you to begin with and that that's OK.

This stuff will be difficult. There will be a lot of opposition from the Parent voices. Don't let those Toxic Twats win!

Let me know how you get on.

Love and hugs to your inner Child.

I just want to ... be as happy on the inside as I appear to be on the outside.

Who gets entertained by the show you put on?

 

[SAG]

Hello Everyone

Thank you so much for taking the time to give me hope. I was abused in every possible way by my brother (sexually, mentally, physically, emotionally). I don't know why he hated me so much, I don't think I can remember one time in my life when he was nice to me. The worse part is I feel like it's my fault it lasted for so long, he manipulated me most of the time but I wanted him to like me so I went along with it after so many times. How stupid and weak and pathetic! I should have stood up for myself but instead I just became this timid person who never spoke up for herself. Even now I find it difficult to tell people how I feel, I just keep everything inside.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi Sag- so sad to hear about the private hell you suffered and endured. You were a precious child, a good kid. You did'nt deserve that, so I hope you are not beating up on yourself and being hard on yourself. I struggle with this too, and I am trying to be a friend to myself when I need one the most.

We do violence to ourselves the way we speak to ourselves. I have been raped and gang raped and I played dead and did'nt fight back and I have been blaming and shaming myself all the years of my life. I am 58 so that is alot of years for self abuse. I was angry at myself for being naive, gullible, a perfect victim and desperately needy. I was so hard on myself.

The real anger belongs to my abusers. I was never allowed to be angry, though I had alot of anger in my teenage years and acted it out.

It is good for you to tell about what happened to you, so tell yourself the truth. You were a good kid and not trained to take proper care of yourself. The shame and blame lies with your brother because he knew exactly what he was doing. I hope this helps and does not hurt you. Take what you like and toss the rest.

Sending you some peace and healing energy today. I hope you will start to feel better as you go easy on yourself. You deserve a break from all of this.

 

[Overwhelmed]

Good luck to you and welcome to the forum. It is so easy to blame yourself but you are not to blame. I have blamed myself and it was wrong just so I would not look at my abusers as the sick people they are. Try and love yourself because it does help in the healing.

 

[CMBMUA]

@SAG your may 11th post sounded it came from my mouth. I hope your days get easier and that you understand your are not to blame. I am fighting many similar battles and start therapy soon. Scared but ready and tired of being so mean to everyone around me. good luck again!:)