General Can't Get Over The Shock

[Clara Jefferson]

After all this time and everything we have been through the past few months, my boyfriend decided to re-enlist in the army. I don't know how to react to this. I thought we were over that stage in the relationship and moving on to handle the ptsd symptoms. Anyone know what I should do?

 

[Nicolette]

Clara going back to what is familiar to feel 'normal and worthy' might be what your boyfriend is experiencing. I know that for military men defeat is taken personally so by re-enlisting and being able to have some value in himself can be denial of his illness at best or a wish to defeat it and prove he can still work.

As for what you should do..... I am sorry but I don't know the answer or enough details to even make a suggestion at this stage.

 

[Eleanor]

I don't know that there is anything you CAN do. He's an adult. You are not married. His life is his to lead as he chooses.

Will they take him back with the PTSD? Has he been diagnosed?

 

[Clara Jefferson]

Look, I'm not saying that I want to control what he does. That wasn't the whole point behind writing this. It was to get some help and support for me. I am so worried and if you are going to sit there and act like I'm worried about controling what he does, you are dead wrong. I know its his choice and I have accepted that. I just need someone to talk to about my feelings behind this whole issue.

 

[Eleanor]

Sorry Clara, I was just addressing what was in the post - and actually you didn't mention any feelings, only his actions! Hence my response. I think if you re-read your post you might see why a reader would think that "doing something about his actions" was the concern.

I hear that you are worried - and I can totally see why you are. And it sucks to be scared about something you have no power over. It sounds like it might be helpful to do some serious venting - about your feelings, specifically. "Worried" is not so much to go on...:(

 

[Clara Jefferson]

I was letting everyone know the situation

 

[amethist]

Clara going back to what is familiar to feel 'normal and worthy' might be what your boyfriend is experiencing. I know that for military men defeat is taken personally so by re-enlisting and being able to have some value in himself can be denial of his illness at best or a wish to defeat it and prove he can still work.

Hi Clara.

It seems as if your boyfriend has made up his made to go back, maybe because of how Nicolette explained it above.

As for what you can do, to be honest there is probably nothing you can do. As the more you try and talk him out of it the more he may be determined to go. As others have said he is an adult and can make his own decisions of how he lives his life. Right or wrong in your eyes, they are his to make.

If he has set his mind to it and does go, then all you can do is stand back and wish him well. If you wait for him then that is your decision, but if he asks you not to, then please respect his wishes and try to move on.

This may sound harsh, but we only do honesty, without the fluffy coating.

So take this time to build your own life up to a better place for yourself. Then if he does not go and stays with you, good, if he goes, you will have your own strength and life to fall back on.

 

[Clara Jefferson]

Well he wants me to wait for him because we have had talks of marriage. The chance of deployment freaks me out. I haven't ever been in that situation before.

 

[Nicolette]

Clara I am going to be blunt, if not what you will consider harsh with you in the hope you learn that we don't have any insight into your life or what is going on other than what you post.

You come here, give us a little information and ask one question:

Anyone know what I should do?

and members have answered this for you from the limited information you provided and their knowledge:

I am sorry but I don't know the answer or enough details to even make a suggestion at this stage.

I don't know that there is anything you CAN do. He's an adult. You are not married. His life is his to lead as he chooses.

As for what you can do, to be honest there is probably nothing you can do.

It then seems you tried to clarify what you were seeking:

That wasn't the whole point behind writing this. It was to get some help and support for me.

In my opinion it seems to turn away from "what should you do?" to

I just need someone to talk to about my feelings behind this whole issue.

I also feel that your reaction was a bit harsh when you wrote

I am so worried and if you are going to sit there and act like I'm worried about controling what he does, you are dead wrong.

as I read Eleanor's response as her opinion to your question and then she went on to seek further clarification from you.

Then Amethist responds to what you had written to date and again there is another snippet of information added by you which again deviates from your question stating there have been talks about marriage. That's fine and threads can take twists and turns as different information is added but I think you need to work out:

• What you are posting about
• What you would like an opinion on
• What you would like suggestions on
• What you want to talk about
• What you want to vent about

in order for members to answer with anything close what you are looking for.

It is not my place to judge however I do see you are only 22 so maybe take the time to read some other threads and see how they unfold and generally how, if you give enough information, members may be able to contribute in a manner closer to what you are seeking.

There is a fine line between correcting someone or the facts and turning members away as the thread gets too hard to follow. I am sensing you may be confused and are not sure what it is you can gain from this forum or this thread at least.

All the best.

 

[Eleanor]

My son in law just deployed - to Afghanistan. Scary stuff - but he's career Army so that's the job. You don't have to sign up to be an Army wife. For a lot of women that's a deal breaker, and there is no shame in deciding that is not what you want. If you want him, it looks like being an Army wife is part of the deal. So what kind of life and partner do you want for yourself? If you can figure that bit out - then the rest will fall into place much more quickly and easily. My daughter married my SIL knowing he was going to be career Army and would be away a lot, and that they would move often. That is just the life you sign up for. If that hadn't been something she wanted/could deal with I'd have told her that no matter how "perfect" and "wonderful" and "soul mate" he was - she needed to find someone else. We live on a people rich planet. There are upwards of 300 million people in the US alone - That's a hell of a lot of people. You could find another wonderful guy. Not the same, and it would be some work to find him and develop a relationship, but it's do-able. But nothing says you HAVE to decide against staying with him.

I don't want to be discouraging, if you decide to wait for him and stay with him, that will bring different challenges, and different rewards. My daughter loves base life, and the community of the military, and what he does. For them it is a super fit. The question is: is it a good fit for you?

Is it just fear of deployment or are there other feelings as well? What about re-enlistment and deployment is freaking you out?

 

[wife of]

As the wife of an ex soldier I will agree with the above and just add that you must be sure of your feelings before making any type of committment to this man

Army life is tough when they are away and sometimes it is even tougher when they are home.

In the uk the failure rate for long term relationships/marriage is something like one in three ....

I have no Idea what the failure rate is for ptsd relationships....

So adding the two together it takes a lot of guts and sheer bloody mindedness to stay in there long term...

To be with one of these guys for life through thick and thin is ond heck of a wild ride.....

Only you can decide if you are up for it.......

Yes I have days where I'm on here bawling my eyes out and getting rid of the angst....but for me.......it has been worth it.