Why Should I Live?

[squirtsmom]

:unsure: I just want to be as close to happy as I can. I see others happily going about there days and with there families and all I have are the walls to my apartment as this emotional turmoil has cost me everything.(house gone) All I have is my car and personal belongings.

I find nothing happy these days and I want to find something anything that can make me happy. Even if it is for a few short seconds.

 

[Taven Carlsen]

The problem is not knowing how to express my feelings outwardly and to others without going of the deep end. I try to let them know how I feel but they don't understand what I have been through as I am not to the point that I feel like I can share with them yet.

Ok, I have the same problem - I'm at this exact stage of things - and I'm still not going to kill myself.

Like someone above said, are you sure this isn't a gyration of your medication making you think things? Giving you false certainties? Are you sure this is really *you* thinking of suicide?

 

[squirtsmom]

To Taven Carlsen, I have been on the fence for the last several years and I believe that it is from the core. I don't see any positives. Or I should say it is hard to see something positive when I feel so negative. I try to see something positive everyday but I fail miserably. Maybe I am not looking in the right places or doing the right things. I don't know but I am emotionally drained to the core and want some glimmer of hope. Anything at this point. I just can't find it.

 

[intothelight]

I don't see any positives. Or I should say it is hard to see something positive when I feel so negative.

Happiness is not a destination but a journey. Take one day, or a part of a day, and just observe your own thoughts. Don't judge them, just write down what you think, see, or feel. When you note a negative, try to look around and find a positive.

I've had to sometime just get back to the most basic. Things like it is good I have fresh water. It is good I have a roof over my head. Then it moves to things like a pretty bird, a sunset, a song on the radio, etc. Practice looking for the positives and practice not thinking negatively about yourself.

Meds are a huge help for stabilizing, but it is in the changing of the messages, how we look at the past, and how we view ourselves that happiness slowly returns. Take hope, as it really does get better. Also, remember if one method doesn't work for you, toss it out. Find what works for you as we are individuals.

Deb

 

[squirtsmom]

Thanks intothelight! I just don't see those positives as I have lost my roof over my head now renting which does not feel like home. I have lost possessions I had to sell to pay for therapy, medications and food. I just don't see those small things right now.

 

[squirtsmom]

:unsure: what to do? I have had a rough night and things just feel like they are caving in on me. I keep trying to get motivated to do something besides sleep. I just want this madness to end.

I am so down in the dumps even talking with friends and family is hard to do. I am screening my calls and deciding whether to interact with them or not. I just don't feel like do anything what so ever.

I try to put on some music to calm me and all it is doing is making me sad to know that I am here alone and feel so disconnected with everyone that I figure nobody cares any more. I got a call and took it and all I did was put on a good acting conversation because I did not want to make people worry about me.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi squirtsmom, that's been a terrible stretch for you to contend with, and I'm sure that's just some of what you've been through. :(

You have mentioned that perhaps no one cares, yet if they are worried (or you fear they would be), then they must.
I can relate to the happiness (or lack thereof) part, but feeling depleted and overwhelmed, it's hard for anyone to feel happy.
I think the advice of giving the meds a chance, writing (or thinking) of things to be grateful for, interjecting soft things into your day, are wise suggestions.
Perhaps a feeling of purpose, some sleep, learning how to manage these symptoms, will help. There is hope.

I think ptsd interferes (GREATLY) with the present moment, more often than not. But in retrospect, future moments may not hold some of the joys or gifts that are there now. Other joys, or peace, or what-have-you, but not what is difficult to see now. Unfortunately (and I'm the worst offender), we usually don't realize what we 'do' have, until it's gone and we wish we had another chance. Almost like a question of relativity, perception, and awareness.

For some reason, it's been found that (as human beings), if we make a 'gratitude' list one day and the opposite the next, the items will be almost entirely the same.

PTSD, depression, are pretty much liars. You won't likely go back to being the same person you were, but you're becoming an even better version. :) Perhaps the old things no longer make you happy, but new ones will.
But I understand, I have battled SI, as many have here, and during it it's Hell.
About 30 years for the ptsd.

Best wishes and Hugs, if that's ok.
Welcome to you. :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am late to this conversation. Your life has changed forever. The old you is gone as a result of your inner growth. The old status quo does not and will not work for you again. You have changed forever. You will never be the same. You are growing and sometimes growing is very painful.

Alot of people here have given you many good things to consider. Life is messy. You say you want to feel happy. Do you mean to feel good? You have to have good things in your life. This is where gratitude comes in. Sometimes it is very hard to be grateful. You have to come up with a list. It sounds like you have some people that care about you. That is one big thing to feel grateful about.

You said you lost your house and you may be grieving that loss. It is abig loss. I do not know how long you lived there before. Your grief is understandable. But you have a place to live now.

You do not know what good awaits you around some corner in your future. You have to hang on and not give up.

I think what you have been saying is that you are sick of dwelling in pain and agony. And you want to feel better again. It must be a long time since you last felt good. I hope for you moments of happiness. I hope you are surprised by it. I hope it comes to you as you strive to get healthy again.

Mabe you are in a season of grief and that is all you can feel. It will not last forever. I am glad you found this forum. There are alot of truly wonderful people here who have been there who understand.

Keep on telling your story, share your feelings and your thoughts and get it out of you. It will help you. It will help you to realize things about yourself. You are not alone. It is a struggle for me every day. I have anxiety every morning no matter what and I do not know what the source of it is. I hate it. But I reach out to safe others now. I believe it will get better. The more I learn the better it gets. I hope this made some sense and helped and did not hurt you. You have to take some responsibilty for your own recovery. It is possible to feel better. You will not be left stuck. It just seems that way. Time goes so slow when in so much pain.

Take really good and gentle care of yourself. Pamper yourself, give yourself the treatment. Go at your own pace. Baby steps. Take your pain and grief into therapy with you. Give the meds a chance to stabalize you. Take care and be well.

 

[squirtsmom]

Thanks Junebug and gizmo!

I have been struggling with the SI for a long time and trying to keep myself safe. That is a tough one but I have. I now been told by my Therapist that if I continue down the path that I am on I will end up in a state facility as I have no insurance and no one will keep me in there facility longer than a few days.

This scares me because if I need to go back into the hospital to stay safe I should not be threatened to a state institution. I struggle a lot with SI and thoughts that my journal seems like a book of how to's versus a journal of my feelings.

I have never let my feelings out before except for anger and rage. I don't cry until I hit rock bottom but I don't cry when I am in front of others. I have been told I am everyone's rock. That I need to be strong. Who is strong for me?

I am a relatively new at this forum stuff and it is hard to figure out if I am doing things right. I keep getting warnings and not sure how to correct this because I am not a good writer. I do the best I can.

I just want to have some happiness back in my life. Being on disability and not being able to do things because of the costs is very hard. I had to drop back to every other week with my therapist and now I can't even afford that this month. I got to wait until next month to see her again. This is not a good thing for me. I see trouble ahead as I truly need the therapy and I can't afford it.

Thanks everyone for reading and giving me input.