Christian Religion Causes Me Anxiety And Fear.

[PerfectlyFlawed]

I have not told anyone in the Christian community about my asexuality (from s.a.) . However, I did tell them about my sexual assault and then i was attacked by a friend, I have PTSD from it.

They said I was playing a victim...And that I have hurt people just like my rapist/attacker has hurt people. I am sorry, but I do not go around like my rapist and give people an anxiety disorder the equivelant of a WWII veteran.

Then they tell me sermons about love and marriage and it just makes me uncomfortable...They are obsessed with marriage and virginity. Growing up, I was formed my identity around marriage and being a virgin. My whole self worth was based on my sexuality and being a nice little Church girl who was a virgin. In reality, it made me a doormat and set me up for a predator to step in an ruin me for life.

They also are obsessed with gender roles, and how men and women are so different and cannot live without eachother which leads to unhealthy relationships and marriages.

 

[Ice_Fire]

I struggle a lot with this one. I was brought up Catholic, but it was a really f***ed up version. The blame was always mine, I had sinned and I brought the CSA upon myself.

The love and marriage and virgin attitude had a big effect upon my childhood too. I thought that after I was raped then I was never worthy of getting married and having a normal life. I was made to feel that being the victim was a fault of my own doing.

They are obsessed with gender roles and it makes me uncomfortable too. I wish I could help you with this one, but I can't. All I can say is I hear you.

 

[Red Feather]

I am sorry for your traumatic expereinces regarding religion. I learned about the purity trend and those things called purity rings and was so very troubled with it. I don't agree with the concept of purity and feel that that's all that should be attributed to the word, a concept. Religion also triggers me and has a lot to do with my trauma. Some people on this forum have their religion and there are several threads on the issue. I think that most people are respectful about it so I would hope there is not too much triggering going on regarding this. As long as we are able to respect each other's beliefs, and accept people the way they are there shouldn't be any of that happening. I went through severe spiritual abuse and know how much mind manipulation can occur through some religious teachings. I think the moderators are also very cautious because there is no reason to be arguing about things like this.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi, I agree with Nadia, it is spiritual abuse that you are experiencing. I hope you can get away from the people who are hurting you with their toxic opinions and toxic religon. I have been spiritually abused too.

When I was raped I felt like I was ruined too. It was a complete devastation. You need to get away from these people filling you with the lies and distortions.

It is almost cultlike what you are ecperiencing. You need to get away from them. A really good book on Spiritual Abuse is Spiritual Abuse By Jeff Vonvonderen. I highly recommend it. It will explain what is going on. I hope you are in a position to get it. It will offer you some real comfort.

These people are hurting you so much. and it leaves wounds and scars called secondary wounding. You are actually being retraumatized. It is a very dangerous thing to do to a hurting person like yourself.

I know you may be attached to these people, but they do not listen and they will never understand. I wish you the very best in what you decide to do. You can pm me anytime and I will listen and support you. Big hugs.

 

[Red Feather]

Thank you Gizmo for writing that. I always agree with what you write. Spiritual abuse is the worst thing ever. I am so sorry to hear when people go through it.

 

[Zef]

Hi PerfectlyFlawed,
My history seems to be similar to yours. The religion I grew up in covered up for and protected for 20+ years the predator that got to me. They also treated the victims that dared report him much like you describe yourself being treated. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

There are additional online forums and support available for trauma associated with religious issues where you may find support for the religious aspects of your trauma. A google search with the name of your sect and 'forums' should give you a list of possibles. Then just browse them to see if they are a fit for you.

Gizmo,
thanks for the Spiritual Abuse term. I've been trying to come up with a name for how religion complicates and/or adds to trauma and this term seems perfect. It really is spiritual abuse when people are made to feel that their God sees us as something less just because we were victimized. . .or because of gender, etc

 

[The Albatross]

I'm not so sure that i would be quick to call ignorance "spiritual abuse". You said you told one person, a friend and she attacked you. (to the original poster) I know I was not responsible for my rapes... but I was responsible for my own sexuality and my sexual activity aside from these events. There are people who are misguided even in church, often elders, deacons, brothers, sisters, and priests/ministers/pastors.

But Christianity has grace and forgiveness. Though I was a fallen and sinful woman in my number of sexual partners outside of marriage and between rape episodes... I am forgiven, I am half holy, and I am given sufficient grace of Jesus Christ (His grace is sufficient the bible says). It is less what people in my congregation say, and more my own relationship with God, Jesus and the indwelling Holy Spirit that governs my behavior.

I do personal subscribe to gender roles, because of my chosen faith and doctrine. I can sympathize that it is at times not easy, but not everything I witness or experience from the pulpit or bible study is an assault because I was not a virgin when I married, or that I married a second time or even that I had a bunch of lovers in between. There are though some Christian denominations that are more flexible with gender roles.

You've outgrown your former identity. It was not one that fit you to begin with. The message from Christianity are that all sin, all are imperfect. If you're getting preached to about purity, piety and are being counseled in any way other than accepting Christ, Believing Christ, Confession of sins and repentance, redemption and then on to sanctificaton... change churches. Your experience isn't necessarily at odds with your beliefs as a Christian, your perceptions are. You were personally attacked by one person you confided in and became hypervigalant of your whole doctrine, or church.

One person (by your post, a friend) did not give you the response you expected. Now you are hurting and sensitive. Okay I get it. But I hope that you can see that your reaction is a bit over the top.
(I'm expecting to get pounded on this, and it is my sincere hope that there is something that can be helpful for you... but hey I got big shoulders and I'm a Christian sister, so it's out there/here now.)

 

[OKRADLAK]

(((PF)))

Your post really screams so much of what hurt believers feel!!

I have NEVER been able to sit through religious services since my PTSD which had religious overtones. I can go to religious instruction but not service. I tried the offshoots of my religion, but they are not who I am. I tried no religion, but that is not me, either.

I really went away from it for a long time. It was so painful because I loved my faith. I hated religion and was so full of venom.

Now when I go, I still feel like a terribly wounded person. When they say things that they do not understand, it hurts.

I heard that, too, about holding on to the misery, about not wanted to be helped, about being in sin because I was angry.....oh my goodness, if you heard some of the things that they said.

For a long time, I argued. I told them they were full of it. Then I realized they really and truly cannot understand unless they have been in similar place. They TRULY can't.

So I started at a new place. I just endured what they said and never told a soul a thing. If I wanted to know where they stood, I asked from the perspective of a "friend." Those who said things like, "Well, sometimes people just like the attention," or similar things, I knew that person was not a safe person.

It is still very hard because I am so up and down and so I have to stay away when I am down.

The good part is that I have a reputation there as one who is very compassionate, and that is good! Someone who comes who DOES have PTSD usually ends up talking to me even though NO ONE KNOWS about what I have endured.

Try so hard to just smile when they say something that is outrageous. Think of your PTSD sisters here rooting for you! :)

It will be worth it for you to endure it so that you can connect with others who share your same faith. One day you will be the one to help another person who no one else is understanding and who is being wounded.

And....Albatros: Your posts give me courage and hope even though I do not know you in person. I struggle SO MUCH over this and I see that you are stable in your faith again and that means a lot.

 

[Elizabeth-Ann]

I struggle a lot with this one.

I am so sorry for your experience - the traumatic of course, but also with your church. I am a Catholic too. Did you have the chance to meet "different" people and to be loved and helped by them? Sadly there is a certain type of people in most religions that fear to much for their own "security". I mean, I was very strong on "ideals" and rules and moral too, but with the experience of "broken" lives, histories, mine and other, also the image of God and my faith evolved. I discovered merciful love, learned (am learning...) to accept it for me first (from God an people)...
Ideals are important, but God has always a larger heart... Be blessed and know you are loved very deeply and unconditionally!

One person (by your post, a friend) did not give you the response you expected. Now you are hurting and sensitive. Okay I get it. But I hope that you can see that your reaction is a bit over the top.
(I'm expecting to get pounded on this, and it is my sincere hope that there is something that can be helpful for you... but hey I got big shoulders and I'm a Christian sister, so it's out there/here now.)

Why do you think people who have bad experience with a pastor, minister or other religious person, easily blame the whole community, doctrine... If a teacher does wrong noon blames the whole guild or refuses spelling-rules for it. I suffer a lot from this, being a victim myself but very convinced member of the community.

Thank you for what you wrote on your experience with the GRACE of God.

 

[Zef]

Why do you think people who have bad experience with a pastor, minister or other religous person, easyly blame the whole community, doctrine

Very often it is the whole community that accepts the action of the predators in their midst and condemns the victims. That is what seems to be happening to PF, that is what happened to victims in my religion and it is obvious that the other posters here also experienced it. It is the whole communities fault, in those cases. Where the doctrine of the sect instructs their religious communities to protect or empathize with predators over their victims, it is the doctrine's fault.

Whether community members realize it or not in these cases, they are further victimizing the person and it is both healthy and needed in the grief recovery process for a victim to blame the people responsible.

As one of quite a few persons on this site who gets triggered easily by religious topics, the tone of this comment was pretty offensive. I know you didn't mean it to be and I'm not upset, but when you put a word like 'easily' into a sentence like that, to someone like me, it comes across as just another religious person trying to demean me. . .suggesting I'm somehow weak because I may have negative reactions to the people who victimized me.

I just want to have people who have been able to find comfort in belief and people who have been victimized by religion to both have a safe place at this forum.

 

[Red Feather]

Thank you Zef. What you write about communities touches me very close. After being kicked out from my home and stigmatized of having been the one who "left." I lost contact with a group who should have been supportive of me. You are right. This is exactly what happened. It is part of group dynamics and the way in which charismatic people who can preach well, get the upper hand. I have lost so much.

 

[Elizabeth-Ann]

Zef--

Thank you so much for your answer. I understand now better. Sorry. I am new in the forum and trying to learn and understand better what happened to me at the moment. Begun therapy recently only, and not of English language, so sorry if I expressed in an offensive way. Of course It was in NOOO way my intent to offense you or others. I am a victim too - of my religious superior. But I found help and support from my community and had not the terrible experience as you had.

Of course it is healthy and needed in the grief recovery process to blame the people responsible!

Tank you for your patience. I am a bit shaky now and not feeling so well.