Supporter Sadly Contemplating Ultimatum

[Chillspine]

Brief personal bio: I was married to a very controlling woman for 25 years. When I wanted to change my doormat/enabling role, she resisted. After counseling that went nowhere, I left her to start a new life where I stand upright and honor my dignity. I turn 50 this year.

So... about a year ago I started dating a woman in her early forties, who (as I slowly became aware) exhibits classic post-childhood-abuse PTSD symptoms. Aside from those symptoms, we have a great life together; we are compatible in ways I hadn't known possible, and we are now living together.

As she eventually revealed to me, as a child she was emotionally, physically, and sexually abused by her older brother for years. Even some of the non-sexual things he did to her are actually recognized torture methods. She has some partial deafness in one ear as a result of one of these techniques. Just an example.

She exhibits periodic hypervigilance/trust issues/combativeness/nightmares/the need to sleep alone, rages that seem to come from nowhere, and self-medicating with binges of alcohol. I mean, she will drink herself to sleep several times a week when she lives alone. She tries to tone it down for me... but she can't stay sober for more than a few days. After she binges and/or rages she has said that she loves me like no other, but when 'the monster' takes over, she just wants to hurt me. I have begun to wonder if she also has some dissociative disorder as well. It wouldn't be unexpected, I suppose.

Her acting-out is cyclic. I've told her that I'm feeling like the 'abused spouse' you always hear about on TV... I could easily start making excuses like, "she's really a wonderful person inside", "she only hurts me when she's drunk", "she had a bad childhood", "it doesn't happen ALL the time"... but I am NOT going there. I told her all that's left is for her to buy me flowers and take me out for dinner, and the picture would be complete! It makes me feel foolish for continuing to care for her, and this is something that I know I cannot tolerate.

In alignment with my promise to honor myself in this new life, I have talked to her about getting therapy on numerous occasions, each discussion a little more direct than the last. The last time was last Sunday, after a doozy of a Saturday binge. She was tearful and expressed remorse, and even invited me to leave, saying that I "don't deserve to be treated like this". As true as that is, I felt empathy for her real shame; but I also sensed some self-pity and self-sabotage gaming going on. So, no more Mr. Nice Guy. I looked into her eyes and TOLD her: she has to go get help. Now. I am declaring a Fork In The Road, and although I cannot force her to go, NOT going will cause me to leave. Stay with me and LIVE, or destroy your life, your children, and all your relationships by yourself -- I love you too much to watch you die, and to die myself, inside. I cannot choose a life without hope.

That day, last Sunday, she did the insurance research and found a suitable local therapist - this gave me hope... but as of today, she hasn't pursued it further. I want to give her a deadline, but I have some reservations.

I have a vague sense that ultimatims aren't particularly effective, but maybe I'm desperate enough to use one. Isn't that really what 'interventions' are? I think I'm comfortable saying, "you've gotten a start by choosing a doctor - now it's time to follow through" - and see that she does it, preferably immediately.

My biggest philosophical issues:
1) An ultimatim may be seen as a challenge to self-destruct; she resists coercion well. If she does, then I will leave. No waffling. Her choice to self-destruct is just that: HER choice.
2) If she consents, I think it likely that she will resent me for it eventually
3) If I'm saying "get help or I'm leaving", and I'm prepared to leave... then am I not simply Prepared To Leave? And if so, why not just leave?
4) If she chooses to get help, I don't know if I can now face a life of living with what's left. I gave up rescuing people at my own expense - and I don't want to start again.
5) And if she chooses to get help, I don't know that I can survive the roller-coaster ride to what is an unsure future. I'm pretty sure I don't have the strength left to get her back into therapy when she lapses, etc.
6) Maybe my leaving would be her 'rock bottom', for better or worse!

She was 'this way' when I found her... at least I've offered her a better life. And death.

Any input or feedback would be appreciated.

Sadly yours,
chillspine

 

[Red Feather]

I don't know about Ultimatum or not. Just would want to say take care of yourself first. Find a moment to be with you and who you are and what you care for. Find your focus and source of love. This is not compassion for her, more than anything this is for you, and for who you are. Feel your warmth, your boundaries, your wishes and desires. Just feel that. I don't about your partner. I can not say anything to help you with her. I have PTSD but I don't drink. I can not imagine how hard it is for you. Take care. I'm glad you are looking for support.

 

[Chillspine]

Thanks, Nadia!

I am ordinarily a joyful, peaceful person; and my dearest wish is that my g/f could know that peace. She has suffered enough for ten lifetimes, and she deserves so much better than for the torture to live on in her own head.

Sadly, though, I fear that unless she can participate, it will destroy even my own ability to be happy -- as well as her own.

Good to hear from someone fighting the good fight.

Be Well;
Chillspine

 

[Taven Carlsen]

Can you make an appointment on her behalf and then tell her it's time to go? Whether she likes it or not?

 

[Red Feather]

Yeah I like that attitude. It's not only about making an ultimatum, it's about setting your boundaries, which are also hers. She has to make the effort, that's her job. It's your job to accept nothing less.

 

[Chillspine]

Funny -that thought occurred to me earlier today... but she doesn't deal well with surprises. It's a cool idea, but I think that carrying it out will activate her 'victim' button.

I will, however, offer to make an appointment for her, if she's not able to. Thanks for the constructive thoughts!

I've even tried explaining that perspective to her... that her present misery is really a continuation of the physical things her abuser did to her.

He's STILL torturing her, only now, he doesn't even have to be there. He's conditioned HER to torture herself FOR him!

Unless she tries to fight him now, he WINS.

It makes me sooooooooo ANGRY! I am furious about what he did to her!

Steamily;
Chillspine

 

[Red Feather]

What he did, not you. She is being triggered but it may or may not have anything to do with you. She needs to get professional help in my eyes. It is too much of a burden for you to be working through it with her. If you find a way to remove yourself from any victim cycles that might be in place, she might have a chance to start finding a way to help herself. Gently of course, but surely.

 

[Chillspine]

Absolutely, Nadia! Well said.

I don't feel responsible for her condition -- but I do wish I could be partly responsible for her happiness.

I've told her that I feel like I'm in a lifeboat, and she's alongside, about to drown.

Someone else threw her in the water, and I will keep hold of her hand and pull -- but she has to KICK if she wants to survive.

Gratefully;
Chillspine

 

[bethinhfx]

The only advice that isn't preachy would be to take care of yourself. You can love someone but I honestly believe, for the most part, that enabling (dirty word) just doesn't really work. I think you have to honour your own needs whatever they are-- not in a selfish way but in a self- caring way. They are just words. I always kind of check out what my body is telling me about my boundaries and about what feels good and doesn't. Am I emeshed? Care taking? Being baby-sitter? or can I really be helpful here? What are my motives.....ya know. Just a few questions to help you clarify! Peace!

 

[Red Feather]

But I just don't think you can be responsible for her happiness. Can anyone catch on this if I'm wrong? I'm not really good at relationships myself, for exactly these reasons. But still I don't think anybody can be responsible for another person's happiness. Of course you can say it is her illness, she has little responsibility in the matter, but that's just not true and unfair to you as well. I also had to live up to my own responsibility. At least for myself, let alone for the people I care about. Hmmm... Maybe we should wait until a supporter on the forum makes a comment. I'm sure their are others who would know what to say. :)

 

[bethinhfx]

@Nadia: I agree but as I was reading the post I thought nothing is black and white. I just know that when I do something that I don't want to do I end up resenting it. Caretaking etc., always has blown up in my face. But I am not married; don't have kids; have been celibate for 6 years. I am going into along weekend- ALONE- so, who is to say! I have zero patience and tolerance for other peoples BS but if you love someone then maybe you are willing to stick it out. I don't think there is any hard and fast rules but for me my body always tells the truth! Peace. :)

 

[Chillspine]

Thanks, bethinhfx. I was definitely in a gray area, but things are crystallizing more for me. As of today, my g/f seems willing to (again) just go on like nothing happened. Last night I asked her whether she's made a therapy appt, and she said she "hasn't had time". I can see where this is going. Her instinct is to once again repair the facade of normalcy - which would be easy to buy into... until the NEXT blowout.

She says that she's stopping the drinking (which she's tried before without success). I told her that I approve of her committing to that, but honestly - the alcohol is a SYMPTOM, not a cause. Staying sober would probably be an integral part of actually healing, but I'd rather she see a therapist first. She insists on trying to do it herself. This is a complete avoidance of the real issue. There is no substitute for 'couch time', in my opinion. I've seen her rage without drinking, so I know the booze isn't the cause.

Knowing this, and seeing the cycle clearly, helps me know that I'm not being unreasonable. She's not motivated to seek help, and I can't force her. Even if I could, it wouldn't help our relationship. I'm not going to be her Caregiver For Life.

All I can tell her, clearly and calmly, is that I can't live like this -- and that I'm preparing to move out (which I am). No ultimata. At this stage of my life, I do not have the desire to endure a protracted struggle. I do love her, but just getting the healing to start is too much effort. Honestly, I can't see myself living this way forever, so its best that I depart while at least I'm still healthy. It may motivate her to get help - or it may not - but that won't be my problem to worry about any more.

Thanks, everyone, for your kindness, understanding, and support!

Chillspine