Supporter Sadly Contemplating Ultimatum

[Red Feather]

Wishing you lots of strength and blessings. I see you have the best intentions for her and for yourself. Take care. You deserve to find happiness.

 

[Elizabeth-Ann]

Even some of the non-sexual things he did to her are actually recognized torture methods.

I was reading your thread, Chillspine, and even if I am not able to participate with "input" or advise, I would like you to know that you and her are in my prayers very much!

You wrote the expression "recognized torture methods". Could you tell me where I can read something about what this meens. I am at the beginning of therapy and slowly realizing what happened to me was torture, but I am unable to express things, to find words, still with deep insecurity, minimizing and banalizing what I went through.

Reading and maybe finding my experiences in a "list" somwhere could perhaps help me to acknowledge that "it was what it was".

Sorry for asking and not actually helping.

 

[Chillspine]

You wrote the expression "recognized torture methods". Could you tell me where I can read something about what this meens.
Reading and maybe finding my experiences in a "list" somwhere could perhaps help me to acknowledge that "it was what it was".

Hi, Elizabeth-Ann!
"Asking" is what this forum is all about - and yeah; we sometimes get off onto tangents, especially when, like in this case, the question is from someone seeking a helpful answer! I am doubly glad that this thread may have 'tipped' you towards participating; and if this is helpful to you, then I am TRIPLY glad for you!

There are plenty of websites with slightly-different definitions of 'torture'... here's an excerpt from Wikipedia that seems suitable:
"Reasons for torture can include punishment, revenge, political re-education, deterrence, interrogation or coercion of the victim or a third party, or simply the sadistic gratification of those carrying out the torture or those watching or listening to it."

In general, anytime someone deliberately inflicts pain or discomfort (mental of physical) on another for their own gain, that is torture. Sometimes, the "gain" is just the torturer's own emotional satisfaction. I don't want to publish any super-graphic details from my previous post (as it is not my story to tell), but I will say that it's not all red-hot-pokers and The Rack. One example is subjecting someone to loud noise that they cannot escape or avoid. Suffocation has also been a tried-and-true method through the ages.

Here's my own thumbnail of what I consider torture:

1. Pain, fear, or emotional stress (or any combination) are inflicted on someone, at the hands of another; and,
2. The torturer deliberately deprives the victim of relief or the opportunity to protect themself from the discomfort.
3. Usually, the torture is designed to either cause the victim to act against their own best interests, and/or to bolster the torturer's own sense of control over the victim. At the core of this, the basic goal is to make the victim feel powerless.

What follows is my own opinion; I am not a therapist or care professional <disclaimer>, BUT: I'm going to say that if someone inflicted any kind of unrelievable discomfort upon you with the intention of making you comply with something against your will, molding your thoughts or behavior to meet their needs, or demonstrating their superiority over you, then (again, IMO) you probably suffered a form of torture.

I really wish you the best in your search for peace. After what I've just been through, I am even more appreciative of everyone else who fights the good fight.
Respectfully,
Chillspine

 

[NIKI]

He's STILL torturing her, only now, he doesn't even have to be there. He's conditioned HER to torture herself FOR him!

Hi Chillspine, That's a very profound and very true statement! I'm still doing this myself but trying very hard to stop these thoughts.

You need to think of yourself and be kind to yourself. There is no excuse for abuse.

Peace to you.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Hello-

THis must be very hard for you! It's very hard to bear scars from abuse. However, maybe the person you need to make the ultimatum to is yourself? I say this because this is what I had to do.

I was in a relationship with someone who treated me scruffy. No abuse, but kept me around, promising me this and that, marriage, etc.

I gave him an ultimatum. And then another. And then another until more than a decade of my life had passed!!!

One day, I gave myself the ultimatum. "You are either to put up with this with no complaints or you are to end it now."

Seemed that when I was ready to lay down te law to my own self, well, then I could make the choice I need to make.

Now, yours is a new relationship, so I certainly would never tell you to end something that may be beautiful. But maybe give yourself a concrete time limit that you must stick to?

I really wish you the best! I know that it is hard to be a care giving to sufferers, and those who care, you are the best.

 

[Elizabeth-Ann]

Chillspine, this was very, very helpful to me! I just have to digest a moment what I have learned...

Thursday is therapy day. I will be going differently this week thanks to your post.

Be blessed!