Undiagnosed How Do I Ask For Help When Everyone Looks To Me For Strength?

[lost_in_tx]

I was married for 18yrs and in various stretches of time if I didn't do whatever he thought he needed to feel loved then those that I loved were not safe because he would get too "stressed"- so my pets were beaten, shot, killed. I have now been divorced for 10yrs and he committed suicide 7yrs ago ... so the physical threat is gone. I have done good in my job but we all work from home now and my family is really the only personal contact I have. And now I have realized I am scared to death to see old friends again or make new ones. I have created a bubble that I am scared to death to leave. Many of the people in my bubble depend on me for strength, encouragement and advice and I don't want to shake their confidence by showing that I can't overcome this .... I am pretty sure they don't even realize how badly I am affected by all this.

 

[The Albatross]

Welcome LIT, yeah it is more difficult to be willing to be honest, vulnerable, and fallible... than rock people's perceptions of us. You can though get a lot of support here, and perhaps grow and get the courage to change some of your present relationships to be more mutual than they are currently.

 

[missmary]

I've always had the role of the rock. That meant I took all the brunt of everything, made sure there was peace between everyone- kind of the "glue". With my friends I have to check on each one and make sure they are all feeling well and happy and if not, fix it.

It is a very trying time to struggle with yourself and try to be there for others. But, I've been learning two things about this problem. One, I've been avoiding my problem by taking on other's problems. It has always made a nice distraction and a convenient place to put the blame when I'm overly stressed out. Interesting, huh?

The second things I'm learning, is that after having become a little more open and vulnerable to those closest to me- they relish the idea of being able to support me. I've been that person for everyone this whole time, they need to be there for me too. There's something therapeutic about supporting and helping one another, and if you don't allow people to do that for you- you're kind of robbing them of the chance to feel pride and needed. It's why YOU do it, right?

Anyway, maybe this makes no sense, but think about it- maybe there's more behind what you're feeling than you think there is. It's not necessarily negative but a coping tool. At least, for me it has been- and I wasn't even aware of it!

Take care of yourself, YOU come first. You deserve some self care and time to enjoy by yourself and you deserve the support from others to do that.

Welcome to the forum, I think you'll find lots of good advice, support and comradery... :)

 

[missmary]

Also, a comedian, Katt Williams had this joke he'd tell about how girlfriends of his would always tell him that he made them less self-confident, and his response to that (paraphrased of course!) was "It's called SELF confidence, that means its confidence you give to YOURSELF!"... It made me laugh because it is TOTALLY true!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi Lost, I understand about not being the strong one anymore. I do know how that feels. It is so hard to unentangle yourself from the person you were before.

You will have to take baby steps of asking for help. It will take courage and bravery on your part. And real courage is being afraid and yet doing it anyway.

It is ok to change and grow, and that is what it sounds like you are doing. You are evolving into a stronger person with needs and wants. I think this is healthy, so try not to be afraid of it. I sure hope this makes sense to you.

It is ok to say no I am not feeling up to this right now. It is ok to say no, I do not feel comfortable with that right now. It is ok to say no.

I used to be a person who could not say no to anyone or anything. I do not know if this is a problem for you. But if people are used to you being a certain way, and you are changing, they have a choice to grow and change with you or leave. So there may be some painful reajustment periods ahead of you.

Do not be afraid of this. It will lead to you being a far happier person eventually. If you have been playing a role, some people may not like it because they have been leaning and depending on you. I hope you do not have this problem.

I understand about living in a bubble. It is safe and it is what we know. But growing is painful and you will go through it. I wish you the best.

If this information does not help you please feel free to throw it into the trash. Good luck.

 

[Tinyflame]

I remember crying in front of a sibling, about 4 years or more after my dad died, and she said "What's a matter with you, you were doing so well and now you're falling apart".
It solidified keeping quiet and for lack of any other word, stoic.
Was more like avoiding reminders and any feelings, however.

But I would have been better off, to 'fall apart' like a 'normal' person, and been able to grieve.
Instead I fell apart privately.

 

[lost_in_tx]

I am sure that there are some that would and could help if I let them know there is a problem, they are good people. But that would mean allowing myself to be vulnerable. I just can't bring myself to allow dependence on someone, that is what got me into trouble.

Yeah, I know it doesn't always go that way and I am much smarter now, but unfortunately I have out-smarted myself and taken this self-sufficient thing so far I am having a hard time going back to allowing someone to help.

For many many years I had to hide my soft spots so they couldn't be used against me. I have a hard time even hugging someone because I really miss being able to just collapse into the safety of someones arms and allow that to protect me just for a bit. I am afraid I will just crumble, basically I have become afraid of nearly everything so I hide myself in my work so I always have an "excuse" to have to stay home.

Obviously it is a bad day today, pity party kind of day. I really hope tomorrow is better.

 

[The Albatross]

Sounds like a paradox, unless you explore the idea vulnerable = allowing dependence = trouble. Separating the thoughts sometimes is helpful for me. I tend to myth bust for myself. "If I allow myself to be vulnerable, does that really mean I will be allowing dependence on someone? Or can I handle an exchange of ideas and be a bit vulnerable without it making me dependent on someone?

Hiding your soft spot "so it won't get used against me" is a defensive style of living. Perhaps there are people in your circle where caution is warranted. Learning how to identify save people and learning reasonable relationsihp expectations and how to set boundaries helped me a lot.

Hope you get a handle on this because it's obviously been on your mind for a while. It is a pattern of behavior, and all behaviors can be undone, if you find that you'd rather open up to a hug, express a genuine feeling with a safe person, or deal with the fear and hiding in work. It works, but I did a good deal of that myself and it damn sure was lonely.

 

[Tinyflame]

I get that, I feel like one big soft (and sore) spot.

And un-conditioning the 'conditioning'. Surviving the epferience (and feelings) that if you are vulnerable something bad will happen after.
Or that 'you' are bad for not being stronger, etc.

 

[Whitneys story]

Hi, My first question would be, what occurs that you feel you do not deserve the same compassion from your friends; in return. Fear of the unknown causes havoc, if they are true friends I feel they would genuinely be thrilled to give back. The other issue would be the relationships being friend vs co-dependancy! I wish you wisdom in your journey...Hugs Whitney PS Learn the art of NO!

 

[Taven Carlsen]

Always feel better doing something for others, and makes me look less like a failure - doesn't mean I really HAVE to - it's not to make good on any obligation.

 

[Tinyflame]

Taven, what do you mean?
('Sorry' in advance, can't figure out your words/ meaning. :confused::rolleyes:)