How To Grieve?

[Loner]

I wonder also, if being 'allowed' to grieve not only has to do with self-compassion, but also being afraid to, in that one fears they will fall apart? Or even, for those of us who've heard the, "I'll give you something to cry about", ~threat? :unsure:

I was never given that threat, as far as I can remember. I was never actually punished for crying or being sad, but somehow, it was just implicit that I should bottle up all my feelings because the rest of my family's feelings were more important. I don't think my family said many things about my feelings, it was just that they constantly acted as if their feelings were all that mattered. I'm really not entirely sure where I got many of the unhealthy ideas I developed.

When I read this first, something had me come back for re-reading. Took me several re-reads to figure out why. It sounds to me as if your inner child were gone for good. Since you put "lost" in quotation marks I suppose you do mean rather what your inner child has lost, what he had to go through. Is this correct?

Oh wow, yea. Not sure what to say about that. It was kind of unintentional but it reveals that I really don't feel like that child is still alive, or ever will be again. Huh. Something to think about for sure.

I had to kill my dog yesterday. I was surprised that grief came fairly easily, with very little in the way of thoughts or intellectualizing; when I was at the vets getting the diagnosis I cried pretty freely when I wasnt directly talking to them. I took him somewhere peaceful with smells I hoped he would enjoy. I had a really hard time doing it, but didn't really feel much in the moment other than not wanting to do it but knowing I had to. I guess I kind of dissociated, but I also guess I kind of had to or else it would never get done. A few minutes afterward though I cried freely for a few minutes and that was it. I feel kind of at peace with it.

Part of it might be that he was 16, and had been an old dog for a long time, so I had already made my peace with it, but I guess the point is that I have also been trying to force myself to grieve for my own past. When I started this thread, I talked about spending a week really sad bawling and sobbing every day for an hour or so, and how HAPPY I felt after a few days of that. I want that happiness back, but perhaps it is unrealistic to expect to get there on a regular basis in the short term. Perhaps its more a glimpse of where I can get to over the course of months. There is a balance between pushing myself to become in touch with my sadness and grieve for past so I can let it go, and just letting myself BE without constantly needing to force myself to change because who I am in the moment isn't ever good enough.

I don't really have an answer to this. I have tried doing what prime no suggested a couple times, that is the taking 15 minutes or so to remind myself of my history and just sit and let myself feel my feelings about it. So far it hasnt resulted in completely losing myself in grief but I guess thats ok. I want that euphoric ultra confident happiness back so bad, but perhaps it will be more gradual.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Loner I am sorry about your dog. That is a really hard thing to go through. I remember when I had to have my dog put down. I just sobbed. She went so quick and she was sound asleep. I hope you will be ok about losing your dog.

 

[Loner]

I really am ok with it, which kinda surprises me really. I appreciate the condolences, but I grieved, and am at peace with it. I know I gave him a great life, and am confident that my decision to take him somewhere better than an animal hospital and do it myself was the best choice because he did look much happier before I did it than he was at the hospital, he looked miserable there.

It more just gave me some insight into the grieving process. If it doesnt come naturally perhaps its best not to force it. In the case of things you have forced yourself not to feel for many years, perhaps it does take a little forcing it to let it become natural again, but only to a point I think.

Thank you though, I appreciate the sentiment.

 

[p-no]

Loner, I am sorry about you losing your long-time companion. 16 years is a long time (assuming you got him as a puppy). Maybe this is it for you with regard to grieving, maybe not. It seems only natural to me that you might get sad again only in a while about losing your dog. Or not at all. So, I'd say, don't assume too much that this is it, you grieved and are at peace. Just saying...

Another thing:

It more just gave me some insight into the grieving process. If it doesnt come naturally perhaps its best not to force it. In the case of things you have forced yourself not to feel for many years, perhaps it does take a little forcing it to let it become natural again, but only to a point I think.

The exercise I shared here in the thread you opened is not meant at all to force grieving. (I am also not saying you are saying that it is, I'm just trying to clarify.) There is no such thing, as far as I can tell from experience, than forcing any kinds of feelings. If you feel unhappy, you feel unhappy and that is it. What the exercise can do though is help you open the door (figuratively speaking) to the grief (or rather whatever it is you're feeling that makes you grieve, e.g. sadness, desperation, longing...), to re-access it when you have previously dismissed it, put it aside and/or hidden it (sometimes so much that you can't seem to find it again). That's all that's possible, I think.

And the second thing is that it may feel like forcing, but may not be forcing. It's really just there to help you open a door that was not opened either at all or not often in many years and the hinges of which have rusted and the wood of which it is made of has warped (that's what the dictionary gives me) with age.

I read the other week in the foreword of a PTSD self-help book, if I remember correctly, that people with PTSD have trouble seeing what is (objective; facts) rather than what they feel (subjective). This is true for me and I have started to focus on this a lot lately. People have told me all my life that I was/am strong and I almost yelled at them in anger for saying so, because what I felt was so different from that statement. Now, thinking back, I guess they're right. It absolutely does not feel like it, but "from the outside", I guess, I'd say the same. It may feel like forcing because that door wasn't opened for such a long time; but it may be just that, opening an old, rusty door (and that, to my experience, can feel like forcing it to open).

So, what I mean to say is, be kind to yourself. You can not grieve wrongly. If you, just as an example, grieve for your dog this one time only, it's just as okay as if you grieved for him for a whole week straight. Grieving, to me, is a means of letting out feelings and thus coping with the cause of the grief, and how much of that you need is different for each of us.

 

[Loner]

No, I get what you were saying wasn't really about forcing it. I was more just realizing that I have tried forcing it in the past. Your suggestion actually seems like a good way to go there without forcing it. You're making a time where its ok to go there, and if it doesn't happen, thats ok.

 

[Abrasky]

Huh, I was about to start the same thread and I noticed one already here about how to grieve?

My psychologist said people get to a point they can channel the grief into something. Like she channels it into her plant garden, keeps doing a bit every now on then. Her garden is a work in progress, somewhere to channel her grief.

I am finding it hard to grieve for new things. as I have never really experienced grief before, I am feeling a bit like a lightweight when comfronted with it. It looks too big for me.:eek:

 

[per aspera ad astra]

This is a great thread, I've read some good things but cannot even finish the 1st page yet. My processing feels like it's functioning about 30-40% capacity. I'm still recovering from the shock of my latest ... what do you call it when crap pops in from touch a semi related topic or memory. Before Thurs 7/26/12 I thought I was ready to start more actively grieving my losses r/t childhood, but the list keeps growing... I don't want to be off topic and will be back, I need this thread's info. I just need a grip on dreams not letting me past the 2-3 hour sleep limit before waking me, intrusive thoughts, holding off dissociation ... finally broke the worst of the latest trauma state's hold though.

Oh I know where/what I was wondering, does anybody feel like: You know how programs on computers are running in the backround we don't necessarily open or close, ie they are just part of the operating system? Well I feel like I have an emotional expression kill program running, that I can't adjust. It affects all pain, anger, sadness (negative) emotions most notably (I don't feel enough of the others to know if they are affected). It hasn't always been this way. I can't even grieve for not being able to sleep, it has brought me to tears the last 2 days - not because of dream content but it's killing me not sleeping. I can't hold any tears / feelings more than maybe a minute, tops. It dries up, all I have is the negative "space" or hole or ???

 

[Inspired 2 B Free]

I heard a speaker this week who said "what's repressed in the day gets acted out in the night." We've got to grieve or it will get acted out.

For me, three main things helpe me grieve:

1. Crying (it is most effective if I cry w/ my T. Crying alone seems to validate lonliness. Crying with someone helps feel me accepted.
2. Journaling about memories, flashbacks etc. Having a place to 'dump' them.
3. Telling my story with someone safe -only my T in the beginning, but now I've found a few other safe people (I only tell a limited version, though).

Hugs to you as you find what works for you....

 

[Whitneys story]

Loner, Crying is a really good way of releasing stress and toxins from our systems. There is nothing wrong with crying. I feel the most valuable tool is a diary. Whether private or open it allows one to remove however much we want or can at a time. Here is a link to an article that is exceptional.

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/[/DLMURL]
It is one of Anthony's on the home page. I wish you peace in your journey. Hugs Whitney

 

[Srain]

I want that happiness back, but perhaps it is unrealistic to expect to get there on a regular basis in the short term. Perhaps its more a glimpse of where I can get to over the course of months. There is a balance between pushing myself to become in touch with my sadness and grieve for past so I can let it go, and just letting myself BE without constantly needing to force myself to change because who I am in the moment isn't ever good enough.

This reminded me of what one therapist suggested I try called a "Shiva", which I have tried so I could begin to channel my mourning process. It was helpful.

For me, grief is a HUGE issue in my life and healing. What I've come to understand about it is that it hits me in waves, there is no great one big eye opening experience and I'm done. I have buried a lot of loved ones and have unfolded many realities of my traumas and those that have been involved. The heartbreak has been unbearable at times and I spent most of my life shoving it down in rage and purposeful survival.

Each phase seems a bit different with new perspectives so being open-minded has been something I've had to learn. I like deadlines and things to be completed, checked off, however grief hasn't worked that way for me, surely not since everything finally caught up with me. Having to accept that my childhood abuse was not personal, that people and pets did mean very much to me and I don't know the process of letting go, that I had to mourn what "could have been" had things been different, was all a lot to take in.

I made memory boxes for those I love, I made a memory box for myself. This has been helpful for me.

Great thread.
Peace and healing thoughts,
Rain

 

[p-no]

I made memory boxes for those I love, I made a memory box for myself.

Rain, can you explain what that is? Is it something for you to remember them?

Lots of peace to you too.

 

[Srain]

Sure, I love unique little wooden boxes, my Grandfather started giving me one from Mexico when I was 14yrs old that somehow I managed to keep with me all these years. What I have finally done is to pick out a special box and fill it with the items that connect me most with the loved one I have lost, photos, postcards, nick knacks, whatever feels like them to me. That's my memory box.

For my memory box I have put the very few items I have from the past into it and the achievements I'm most proud of. I have one special photo of myself from many years ago that I really like and I put that on top.

I hope this helps.
Strength and healing,
Rain