Fear Of Touch Anyone?

[99Phoenix99]

Is that a major factor for anyone else? Being afraid of touch?

I never realized how profoundly that affected me until I recently started dating.

I was very ill, near death, and hospitalized most of the time when I was a teenager up until I was 22. I had a lot of medical problems and the act of someone touching me sent my body into agonizing pain. For years a mere hug would cause nothing but abject pain. Even talking too loudly sent me into spasms (nerve damage in the ear.) People eventually realized how badly I flinched in their presence... and for the most part no one really touched me anymore. They still don't and it's been around 7 years now that it's been going on (the physical isolation from affection). Don't get me wrong I still had affection and attention, just the verbal kind. Nearly nothing physical though.

The only people who touched me were doctors. And when they did... it was only to administer very intrusive and painful procedures which I can't go into detail without getting triggered.

It doesn't matter if it's male or female. The simple act of touch... or even the idea of someone going in to give me a hug freaks me out.

However, I didn't realize how bad this all was until recently. I've been healthy and reclaiming my life in the past year and decided to try to live a little now that I'm out of the hospital. I stupidly jumped into the dating pool without much thought and I'm finding myself at a loss.

I really enjoy meeting and getting to know people. Verbally and intellectually I couldn't be happier. But when it comes time to be intimate... it's just ... NOT good. And I'll be blunt I can't even get into the sack because this fear is so bad. Holding hands makes me shake. Having my arm stroked makes me sick to the stomach. The smallest of touches make me dissociate and I'm bombarded with memories of intense pain. And I want to be anywhere but there.

I feel like I'm crazy.

I'm in my prime of my life and I can't stand to be touched.

I don't find it pleasant.

I only hug a person now because it's a social norm. I find it entirely eerie to seek physical comfort or pleasure from another.

I've since taken myself out of the dating world now that I've realized how adverse I am to physical touch.

But now I'm left so confused.

How do I get over this? I want to enjoy a realationship, but how can that happen with such a distaste towards touch? I know I'll never be a really cuddly person... but I'd like to at least enjoy the presence of another.

Is anyone else having a similar problem? Or overcame this problem? Heck, any advise would be welcome at this point.

 

[Tanishq]

It sounds touching overwhelms you with lots of love and you can't take it all at once, do you feel overwhelmed??

 

[AngelaMarie]

I don't allow anyone to touch me except my children. I couldn't even think of it for a long time. Now I am starting to think maybe someday I will accept hugs again.

 

[Philippa]

Yes, I've noticed that I crave physical affection, but even going for a massage can sometimes leave me feeling creeped out when the woman touches me. I did have a man around a few months ago and we cuddled...and mucked around, and it was nice, but the next time he visited, I didn't want him there...at all, as soon as he got there, I wanted him to leave. He eventually got the hint and left, but lying in bed with him "spooning" was just an odd, and uncomfortable feeling.

I also don't like hugs, except from people I am close to. Many people in my town love to hug anyone and everyone, adn I used to bet hat way when I was 16, but now I'm the exact opposite.

I only want people I am close to in my personal space, but sometimes feel obliged to in social situations...though I have managed to put up boundaries with some people who try and go in for the lunge. They find that hard to adapt to, but too bad. Just because they want to hug me doesn't mean I have to let them.

I'm worried I'm turning into my father in that sense. He never used to hug us, and seemed to not be able to stand physical contact. He only started hugging me when I was 17, and by then I rejected him because I felt it was too late to start being affectionate with me after 17 years of looking facially repulsed whenever I would try and hug or kiss him.

I know he had issues with a priest trying to molest him as a boy, so that's probably why, but he never hugged mum either. I NEVER saw them kiss or hug the entire time I was living in that house with them, for 18 years. Not even once. No sign of passion, or even liking each other really...and yet, when she left him he burst into tears and started going on about how much he loved her...never heard him say it once to her the whole time they were married.:confused:

So, I'm not sure if I've just become cold like him, or it's because of the guys who mistreated and choked and bit me without even asking if that is what I like or wanted? I think it's likely, as I jus thave not felt sexual, or felt attracted to ANYONE, in literally about 12 years.

I can't even remember the last time I genuinely wanted someone...apart from a friend I got to know over the internet a few years ago, who ended up falling in love with another friend of mine and they are together right now. I've been feeling literally starved for affection at certain points, and it felt very unnatural, but I just couldn't make myself go and ask someone for a hug, and the last time I did, the guy rejected me straight up as he thought a hug was code for sex, and he wasn't attracted to me.:confused:

I think it's just normal for anyone who has been raped or sexually abused. All the women I know who have been raped have similar issues with touch and don't even want to have sex anymore. I think it's the reason my mother never really liked sex, as I found out she was raped before I was born.

 

[rightkindofme]

I am extremely touch averse. I deal with my kids by staying stoned enough to tune down my startle reflex so I don't hurt them. It's hard. I have a very strong startle reflex and very strong reflexes to hurt people who touch me.

I'm not sure how this will play out long term.

 

[BlueOrange]

Sounds very normal given the history, but also sounds like something you want to address. Desensitization sounds like the basic approach to take, if you have a therapist, they should be able to help with the speicifics.

 

[99Phoenix99]

It sounds touching overwhelms you with lots of love and you can't take it all at once, do you feel overwhelmed??

Oh if I was being overwhelmed by love that would make life so much easier ahahha.

No it's more like... when someone goes to touch me I expect pain. Even though I know rationally they aren't going to hurt me... my body just goes back to all those years in the hospital and prepares itself for an onslaught of pain. And then the rest is history, dissociation and the whole sha-bang. Afterwards I get an immediate rush of relief when I'm left alone again.

It's just... I feel like such a wretched person. People I genuinely like have this look like I just sucker punched them when I try to get away from them physically.

It's something I want to change I just don't know if I can :/

 

[99Phoenix99]

I don't allow anyone to touch me except my children. I couldn't even think of it for a long time. Now I am starting to think maybe someday I will accept hugs again.

Thank you for sharing AngelaMarie, knowing I'm not alone in this fear really helps ease my mind. I used to love hugs and one day I hope we can both accept them again.

 

[99Phoenix99]

I'm not sure if I've just become cold like him, or it's because of the guys who mistreated and choked and bit me without even asking if that is what I like or wanted? I think it's likely, as I jus thave not felt sexual, or felt attracted to ANYONE, in literally about 12 years.I can't even remember the last time I genuinely wanted someone...

Thanks for sharing Philippa. From the sounds of it, I find it understandable why you wouldn't want anyone. Not that I can fully understand or am trying to compare our experiences with one another, but to me what you've mentioned doesn't make me think of you as cold at all. To me it's looking out for your best interest. And with everything that you've been through, that sounds like the smart thing to do.

I've... often worried about people seeing me as cold as well. I've been told I'm actually very intimidating in person because I exude "don't touch/come near me". It's something I learned out of necessity from years of hospitalization. And now that I'm not in that medical bubble.... well lol like I described, it's a hot mess. I don't know how to live any other way other than as a medical pin cushion. I've not had the desire to be with anyone because of it. It just held no appeal. It's only recently that I've wanted someone... and well that went down in flames because I had anxiety attacks everytime we tried anything. And he eventually just became emotionally taxing to be around that I didn't even want to try to be with him anymore. The sheer stress wasn't worth it... <- and that is exactly why I worry if I'm cold, that sounds cold even to me...

I've been feeling literally starved for affection at certain points, and it felt very unnatural, but I just couldn't make myself go and ask someone for a hug

I've actually felt that need for affection randomly in the past few months. I've never... really had that happen to me before and it's very conflicting. I want something that will cause me pain. It's a magraine in the waiting. Plus when I do on the rare occassion go for some type of affection (I'm nervous as hell on the break of having an anxieety attack) I get looks of astonishment and get analyzed. So ... asking for that affection just is all the more uncomfortable.

Bah. Like I said I'm confused as hell.

I want it and loathe it all at once.

Thanks for chatting.

 

[99Phoenix99]

I am extremely touch averse.

Thanks for sharing, it helps a bit to know I'm not the only one with this aversion.

 

[99Phoenix99]

Sounds very normal given the history, but also sounds like something you want to address. Desensitization sounds like the basic approach to take, if you have a therapist, they should be able to help with the speicifics.

Thanks BlueOrange I'll bring that up in my next appointment with my therapist.

 

[HëllaBubz]

In a very small nutshell, it took 3 years for my partner to touch my face or neck without me flinching or jerking back, and that was BEFORE I got diagnosed with PTSD.

He and I had to learn all over again when I got diagnosed and I couldn't handle anyone near me, touching me or hugging me.

You have to learn to trust them implicitly, and it will help you make leaps and bounds in progress.
It is much easier to deal with something like this if you have already learned to trust the person who is causing the reason for distress.