KarlaSTi (is that reference to a Subaru? - good choice if so!)
Thanks so much for your post. You know, sometimes I feel like it's all me and the implied messages I get back from management and HR are pretty much 'just stop causing trouble' - that's how I feel. I feel like it's me causing trouble by asking questions, wanting assurances. I can see myself getting into trouble for asking too many questions and getting wound up by all of this, but I have to ask them, I have to find a way of coping. My therapist has told me I need to deal with this before I can focus on the rest of my life and moving on - how can I do this though when 'management' don't want to know.
I had been suffering with pretty severe PTSD last year, but I kept on coming into work, trying to work through it - some days it was like one of those dreams where you are trying to run, but you just cannot, no matter how hard you try - I had lots of days like that. I didn't complain about it though, I kept going and trying to survive another day until things just got too much and I actually ended up blacking out a number of times at work.
The irony of all this is THOSE were the times when I felt ill - I hit a low point in January and just crumbled away. Looking back, I can say I was pretty ill with all of the PTSD symptoms and my body and mind were playing their own games. However, since the EMDR and with Quetiapine I have definately turned a corner in respect of my PTSD. However, it has coincided with these feelings of paranoia, seeing my name on reports, receiving lists with my personal details on them, diaries left on desks, being spoken to in a disrespectful and hurtful way (though he would never say it was) - I just feel so angry and paranoid all the time.
I took it out on my son the other weekend - he wouldn't stop on his bike near the road - normally I would just continue to shout and he would stop, failing that I would run and just talk to him in a controlled way to tell him how dangerous it is. This time though, I'd been having such a bad few days as a result of things my manager has said to me a few days before - I completely and I mean COMPLETELY lost it. I ran after my son, I have never before felt so much rage - pure unadulterated rage. I snapped - grabbed him off his bike and shouted so loud at him I could not believe what I was doing or saying.
I felt so ashamed of myself. I have NEVER shouted at my son in this way. I have never even raised my voice - I am not that sort of person. I still feel intense guilt about this, but also anger that the reasons I lost it so badly were because all I could think about were managers, colleagues laughing behind my back because they knew about my condition, saying things about me. It was the day from hell.
I have developed some obsessive behaviours in recent weeks too, which my therapist thinks is down to these feelings of mistrust at work and paranoia around my patient confidentiality. I feel I've bounced back from PTSD, only to be knocked back by these idiots.
If I could just up and leave I would. I have applied and gone for numerous jobs, but no luck yet. I am still trying and have another lined up in a few weeks time. It's hard, really hard. I cannot tell you how much I hate them, the organisation for causing my accident in the first place and the total lack of respect and support I had afterwards until I became so sick in January I had to have loads of time off work, which caused me to now be at risk of losing my job.
It really is a terrible thing, more needs to be done to generate better understanding about PTSD and other related problems in the workplace.
