Do You Perhaps Punish Yourself By Resisting Self-care? Why?

[goingonhope]

I think I punish myself by resisting self-care after drawing the conclusion that there is virtually not enough time to participate much in self-care without someone else's needs perhaps going unmet.

Currently, I am under insane amounts of stress, time constraints and deadlines even as a conglomeration of chiefly brain dysfunction, CNS and other physical symtoms, are increasing stressors and making me ill enough to require medical care and/or hospitalization.

My experience with needing to deal with and accept, these types of conflicts in needs and interests, have been occurring regularly and ongoing since about May 2008.

Abruptly yesterday afternoon, I became ill in a most serious physical way that shouts: I'm not gonna be able to just ride this out and it will pass. As it won't be passing, it instead is progressively worsening and I am suffering bad and yet still, I simply cannot find the time to meet the needs of family, as well as, indiv. family members, occurring and ongoing, while considering squeezing out impossible time for much self-care.

Needs and demands are too great and there is only a certain amount of time in existence for the needs of some. The concept of supply and demand and satisfactory meeting all such needs and demands is impractical. Someone has to go without and as much as I would wish to include myself in with the supply, this wish simply surpasses all of my experience and reality.

In fact, this lesson and reality became clear to me originally in childhood. Had there then been more time, resources and supply then I doubt that my mother would've so grossly neglected my all around needs, care and health. I also doubt that I would've chosen, as I did, to simply step aside, accept quietly and without complaint and cease resisting such a difficult lesson then.

It kind of reminds me somehow of the expression: "You can't get blood out of a stone." ...and I'm not talking finances here. Another way of me expressing this is: A well has only just so much water. Are you going to selfishly count yourself in and drink from it's supply too? If so, then someone is gonna have to go without. This lesson then, throughout the yrs. and echoed loudly and repeatedly, once again in these last 4 yrs. has been a powerful and determining self-neglectful force, burden to sustain and guilt trip to live upon.

It also explains why I have been known to abruptly come undone when incessant, important demands for still more action and response from me continue, loud and clear and simultaneous with having already reached my limits and depletion. I may go into full meltdown, most frightening implosion and panic and had started punching myself in the head repeatedly even as the next scolding, shaming-instructions come in. Starting with vaguely, "Stop It!" "What are you doing!" "You are, blah, blah, blah, blah." I don't recall the blah, blah's.

So thereafter personal need and self-care looks a lot less inviting and when I have needs thereafter, I personally find them both obnoxiously annoying and threatening. (And threatening, because they really are made most threatening and dangerous for me to have). So, I'll go about as little self-care as absolutely required to stand up again and oddly it's just in the knick of time to meet the next person's needs and/or requests.

This reality, ...and now its reality all over again in this life, both saddens and anger me.

 

[The Albatross]

I really get what you've been sharing. I struggle with self care because I become resentful at times - what other people can do with seeming impunity and how much time and effort it takes to relieve my symptoms. I fluxuate from compliance for long stretches to 1-3 month periods of non compliance. Eventually the pain and discomfort win out and I double down and do what it takes to care for myself. Things get better, then I begin cutting corners... trying to have a more satisfying and fuller life... it's like a teeter totter approach. I too have some periods of "f' it" but have eased up on heaping the self criticism.

Initiating lifestyle and long term behavior changes isn't easy even for people without a mental disorder (like PTSD). Be gentle with yourself, don't kid yourself though. It's not really about "time to meet the next person's needs and/or requests". It's about doing what our bodies require to have a reasonably solid starting point to pursue not just more favorable health and wellness, but to have a more satisfying life.

Sometimes I get sick of all the effort, and chuck it too... but eventually I keep coming back. I have decided and at times have to reaffirm... though it isn't an enjoyable thing, I was made - physiologically to lead a "more disciplined life." Do I like it? Hell no, not one little bit... but it is here whether or not I like it. What am I going to do about it? That is the big question, isn't it?

 

[snow44]

Actually, for me self care is what helps keep me from going over the edge. A coping skill.

When my PTSD started many years ago, I felt so out of control. I reacted by paying extra attention to taking care of myself in order to feel in control of something. From the moment I get ready in the morning, until I go to bed at night I keep myself well groomed etc.

I exercise every morning, I make sure I look perfect 24/7, my motto is if I'm going to feel like shiz, I at least don't want to look like it. But, when people give me a compliment on how I look, it doesn't make me feel better.

Once I thought I'd keep record of all the nice things people say to me so I could refer to it later. All the compliments were about my looks and it didn't make me feel good, or bad, just nothing. It's like, Ya I have long eyelashes but it doesn't change my f'd up life.

I find that being disciplined in taking care of myself helps me feel more in control of things to a degree.

 

[Privateer]

I don't exercise as much as I should anymore, which has seen my weight go crazy. I don't shave every day anymore and I'm afraid, embarassingly, I don't shower as often as I should, either. My uniform isn't properly cared for and I don't polish my shoes.

Basically I've let my personal admin completely go to pot.

The thing is, I know I should do these things, and I want to...I just can't seem to muster the energy.

 

[KP the nut]

The thing is, I know I should do these things, and I want to...I just can't seem to muster the energy.

I can relate to this. I feel I have achieved something if I manage these basic (well for most people) acts.

I can lose hours just sitting, I can visualise doing them but, to physically move and do them is something else.

Todays task is to vacuum and polish the lounge and to wash the dishes. Wish me luck.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Good luck KP. I hope you get it all done today. I admire you. You do so many good things.

 

[SweetPeaandSunBird]

I saw the dentist for the first time in years recently and he told me I have the teeth of a 70 year old, times when I was really depressed I just didn't brush them, also because no one really taught me to take brushing them seriously when I was a kid.

I completely understand this. At 42 I just had to make a tough decision in July. (I hadn't gone to a dentist since I was 17 and had never learned or cared to floss.) I had all my ragged, weak and crumbling teeth removed, took out a loan from someone I would have rather not had to, and got two full denture plates put in. It would have been way to costly to repair/reconstruct my teeth and knowing myself, I wouldn't have kept the dental appointments that reconstruction would have required. I made the right decision for me.

It's weird, though. When they're in I look ten years younger, when they're out I look ten years older, which is kind of funny since PTSDers are renowned for getting into strange time warps anyway. Still, I smile a lot more now that I had in years.

I'm so glad this thread was started because this is an issue I deal with tri-daily. Slowly I'm getting better at it.

Signed, Happy Teefers :D

 

[SweetPeaandSunBird]

I can lose hours just sitting, I can visualise doing them but, to physically move and do them is something else.

Thank you for saying it just the way you said it. That almost catatonic state is probably the thing I abhor most about PTSD. It squelches any time I have for some creative ideas I'd like to pursue.:banghead::banghead::banghead:

I struggle with that every f'in' day. Then, to jolt me out of it, I pick-pick-pick at my legs. :banghead:
I have to wear knee highs if I want to get flirty ;) with my boyfriend.

An idea I haven't tried yet but am considering is putting glue on my fingertips if I absolutely have to pick at something. Hmmm...glue....I guess it's better than "running with scissors." :O_o:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am down today and having a hard time taking care of myself. I am neglecting myself because I feel so bad and down. I just do not have the energy to self care. My husband is more disciplined than I am. He does an excellent job taking care of himself. I admire him. He just takes care of himself no matter how he feels. He did not used to be this way.

When he was his old self he would neglect himself when he was down. So I do not know if it is the dementia or not.

 

[Crimson]

I constantly gnaw on the dead skin on my fingers, I don't shower after a long hard sweaty day until I'm exhausted, I can't remember the last day I did not consume alcohol, on my days off I forget to smoke until I snap.....the worst of all of these is the exhaustion from just refusing to go to sleep.
I want to see a T but I have to wait a year to get on a plan from my employer; I came back on here because I was struggling even when I thought I'd only have to wait a month or two. Yeehaw.