Relationship When To Throw In The Towel?

[discarded]

Unfortunately I don't think many of signed on for this, I guess to be fair our sufferers didn't plan for things to go this way either. That said, I believe I am close to throwing in the towel, I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I moved out in a last bid to save our marriage by giving him space.

I am miserable, I am tired of no communication, I am tired of being rejected, I am tired of whatever I do or do not do being wrong in his eyes. Unfortunately I am always going to be tied to him because of our children. Seeing him stresses me out.

I really do understand what you are going through, but I don't have any answers, not even for myself.

 

[monicaelise]

You know, I know we're not supposed to say this, but you don't owe anyone, including anyone with PTSD, your life. I think we (especially women, the number of women suffering as carers here is incredibly disproportionate) all get so wrapped up in being saviours that we forget that there's really no point in trying most of the time. We're not going to fix them, and most of them don't care or want us to anyway. Moreover, the way in which they're broken is often soul destroying to the carer. They wreck the people around them and then move on, no apology and no concern for what they've done. Now, before the flaming starts, I realize this is not true of everyone with PTSD. It's just that this seems to be one of those disorders that wreaks as much or more havoc on the carers as it does the sufferer. It's a lot like living with a drug addict...except that it hurts more.

When I have the energy, I'll be pulling the plug for real. I just can't do it at the moment. He's not worth it. I'm enjoying the calm and I don't feel like talking anymore.

 

[Suzan]

We all have to make the decision what is worth fighting for and what isen't. Something worth having isen't always easy but neither is the decision to leave when that is the right thing to do as well. I don't necessarily feel that it is a failing in either person though when a medical issue is at the root.

Some people handles their illness better than others and some supporters handle their role better than others. Doesn't make it right or wrong, its just the way it is and I don't think either person should beat themselves up over it...or the other person, either for their illness or their choices. No one signs up for this to happen, we just have to make our own decisions on how to deal with it.

 

[discarded]

Yes, I think it is an individual choice and each situation is unique.

My psychologist told me a long time ago that I didn't have to play the martyr, that I didn't have to give up my life for him, that I would know when the time came and when I couldn't take it anymore. I have reached that point again. Last time he decided I was worth fighting for but this time he does not. Well not yet anyway.

When you love someone you want to do anything to make their life better but I have realised that I do not know this man anymore. He does many things to hurt me that he blames on his illness, but he crossed the line for me by cheating on me and then lying for years about it. He won't discuss it and I can't accept that. I asked him to go to counselling but he refuses. I think he wants me to throw in the towel so he doesn't have to.

 

[monicaelise]

I think he wants me to throw in the towel so he doesn't have to.

^This. That is precisely the feeling I'm getting. He won't cut ties, even sent that oddly sweet message on Wednesday, but couldn't be bothered to reply when I sent a ":)" the very next day. He's been incredibly pleasant when we've spoken and doesn't speak about things like they're over, but it's definitely feeling like the relationship has been abandoned.

I think they want us to be the ones to end things so they don't have to take responsibility for ruining the relationship. I know it's petty and stubborn of me, but I'm not going to be the one to do it right now. I don't have the energy to sit on the phone for an hour dancing around things, only to have him end the conversation with no resolution again.

 

[here4him]

They wreck the people around them and then move on, no apology and no concern for what they've done. Now, before the flaming starts, I realize this is not true of everyone with PTSD.

Granted, my experience with someone with PTSD is pretty limited (one, to be exact), but this is exactly what I saw. I try so hard to make sense of the things he's done and said, but how can you make sense of a disease that makes people do and say things that make no sense? We went from everything being great to him being completely gone in two weeks and it wasn't like we had a fight or someone cheated or anything. It was just here and then gone. He so easily just turns everything off, cuts ties, and his life goes on. I, on the other hand, am left here worried about him and missing him like crazy, but I can't fix him. Sadly, he is on medication and does both individual and group therapy and has for years. He fully accepts that he has PTSD. It just isn't enough. I can't imagine how bad it must be for someone supporting a PTSD sufferer who is getting no treatment/medication.

 

[SRE7267]

"

We were still friends on Facebook. Then, about two weeks later, out of nowhere he blocked me on Facebook. He didn't just unfriend me, he blocked me. I hadn't contacted him, posted anything to him, liked or comment on anything he had posted, etc. I have no idea why he would go to those extremes and it really, really, hurt. That was the point where it became obvious to me that, not only did he not want to be my friend, he wanted me out of his life in every way, shape, and form. As I sit here now, I still am trying to make sense of it all, but it seems sense is out the window when it comes to PTSD. It is a disease that makes people do things that just don't make sense to the rest of us.

I still love this guy and I'm having a horrible time moving on. His birthday is next week and I desperately want to send a card. Just something simple and nice, but I'm afraid it would just make him mad and make him hate me more.

@Here4Him - I can relate... I am just waiting for the day that my guy blocks me on facebook. Seems so stupid, this facebook thing, but it's a bold statement in the social media world. I have been preparing myself for the full blown cut off and I'm not sure you will share in my same thoughts, but figured I will at least let you in on how I am going into it.

I am currently feeling confident in the idea that he is only pushing me away BECAUSE he cares about me. I have the ability to see his vulnerability, his struggles -- he cannot "fake" it with me... and because of this, he is currently uncomfortable with me. He is also overwhelmed by my concern, care, and love for him... it's too much for him right now. He's unable to receive my love. So what better way to run away from the discomfort than to cut us off completely? Ignoring texts, blocking us from facebook, not calling us back, etc? This is his way and sounds like it's the way of your sufferer as well.

But for me, it's important to remain connected... for myself so I don't feel like I've abandoned him and for him, so he knows that he's not alone even when he may feel that he is. I've been the constant in his life and when he's at his worst, I feel that it's important for me to show that I'm still there, even when he is cutting me out. I'm not saying get obsessive over it... I'm not sure how often is too much or too little in your relationship. For me, I've been sending a small something once per week and just keeping him in the loop. For example, I am hosting a Thanksgiving dinner for my friends the week prior to Thanksgiving. Even though he's currently not speaking to me and ignores all of my reaching out, I still sent him an invitation in the mail just as I would normally do. Then a week later, I reached out via email just telling him about the random on-goings of my life, letting him know I want to remain connected -- telling him that I am here, that I hope to hear from him soon, but that I understand he may need some space... just speaking from the heart.

I'm not always so confident -- it takes me a while to get to a place where I can speak from a place of clarity with him (because I feel angry at him for shutting me out sometimes, I feel sad and alone a lot... and these are not places I want to be in when I reach out to him. I want to always come from a place of strength, clarity and care for him.) But on those days I am feeling strong and clear, I reach out. And even though I have no idea if he reads my messages or not, I feel like he does and on some level, it sinks in... gives him something... and right now, that's enough for me and I just hope he hangs onto those small gestures in his deepest, darkest times... that's what I like to think.

So I guess I am saying that if you want to send him a birthday card, send it! Let him know you are thinking of him. Try to remain confident in that he cares for you as well - he is just in a bad place right now and is unable/unwilling to express anything like that to you. I cannot speak for him, but "hate" is a strong word - I doubt he hates you... he just doesn't know how to properly handle his life at the moment. It's hard not to take personally because my gosh, it feels incredibly personal on our side. But try to remember that his struggles are not because of anything you did to him - his anger towards you is misplaced.

I will be thinking about you.

 

[p-no]

I know it's petty and stubborn of me, but I'm not going to be the one to do it right now. I don't have the energy to sit on the phone for an hour dancing around things, only to have him end the conversation with no resolution again.

monicaelise, I have found for myself only just recently that if I want out I get out. What I mean is, if you really want out you can call and tell him that for you this relationship has ended for reasons X, Y, and Z and that you've called to let him know and express some well-wishes, if you like or not. When I am (not necessarily feel) serious about what I want, then there is no dancing around things with no resolution. I will "act the resolution".

 

[monicaelise]

Thanks prime-no. We've just spent the past couple of days together, and there is no resolution to be had right now (I posted about this in the other thread). I have some massive things to deal with right now, and I'm not in a position to make resolutions beyond the very immediate future, let alone act on them. He knows this and it looks like we're just going to take things a day at a time. There's no hurry, and no real reason for me to try to do anything more right now. Under normal circumstances, I would definitely heed your advice, but things are far from normal right now. Neither one of us have anything to lose by not doing anything. When the dust settles, we'll see where we stand. I don't necessarily want out, I just can't be a full time supporter or put up with the highs and lows of PTSD on a daily basis right now.

He, of course, has the option to do whatever he wants and I accept that. If he walks, so be it.

 

[NikknIsaac]

I'm dealing with this same issue. My boyfriend has became very distant and disconnected. One day he loves me and I'm the most amazing person he's ever been with and a few days later he doesn't know what he wants. I try so hard to support him and tell him I just want him to be happy. I don't know how to handle this without upsetting him. When I try to find out what he wants or how he's feeling he gets defensive. I know he's still the man I fell in love with but I rarely see that person anyone.