Are You An Easy Target For Others Who Attack You?

[Deleted member 12723]

It has come to my attention that I am an easy target. When I get attacked by someone over their own issues I freeze like a deer in the headlights. I usually just walk away and keep my distance from that person. I do not want to get into an arguement.

If you are not a target how do you handle it when someone jumps on you? I really need some wisdom and common sense and could use some assertiveness training. Thanks in advance.

 

[Bubba]

I'm right there with you - totally "deer in the headlights"....

Great post, Gizmo!

 

[Trembling]

Sorry, no advice on this one - right now I am with you guys "deer in the headlights" with tears in my eyes.

 

[Shellbell]

Yes, I have always been an easy target and have endured alot of bullying, as well as all the trauma/abuse because of it. I was an easy target for my family and it continued into school, into all the abuse, into work.

I've learned to become more assertive, and I won't show it, but inside I'm still deeply wounded by hurtful things. And I remember them and that person will be off my 'list of people who I can trust' pretty much forever.

I find it hard to tell the person how they have hurt me and will also walk away. But sometimes I think it takes strength to walk away, if you know you won't get an apology.

 

[JustBe]

I have had the same issue. I found myself apologizing a lot, sometimes even before I needed to, like a defense mechanism. I think that it was a signal to those who tend to bully others that I was weaker and an easy target.

I try to state my truth plainly and clearly now without emotion or judgement and expect others to do the same. When others let emotion or their inner insecurities rule them, I don't waste my time trying to reason with them.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thanks for the replies. I usually walk away and I have lost trust and respect for that person so I stay away and enforce my limits and boundries. When people do not see or hear you and are heavily invested in telling me off, that is it for me. I am weary of crazymaking and high drama people. I have ptsd and I do not treat people like that so I figure they have no excuse. Game over.

 

[piratelady]

When others let emotion or their inner insecurities rule them, I don't waste my time trying to reason with them.

This is the same thing my boss says. I don't know that she means it the way you do, but it seems to me that she thinks anyone who shows emotion is weak and not respectable. I think that for all of us, our emotions affect our actions and words to a certain degree. I understand that one has to use some self-regulation so as not to attack another person because they are experiencing some difficult feelings, but we are still all affected but what is going on inside. Not all of us can control our feelings and actions 100%.

Gizmo: I am still learning what it means to be assertive. I have a post in Ask Anthony about it. It's not an Assertiveness How-To but he explains it well and I found it very helpful. Apparently I've come a long way in learning to be assertive, but I still have trouble recognizing when I am so I have trouble giving anyone else pointers. It seems to me part of it is setting boundaries, in a respectful way, when communicating with others.

 

[Innordinate]

I usually walk away and I have lost trust and respect for that person so I stay away and enforce my limits and boundries.

That seems assertive to me. Good plan. Why waste your time? Some people are just jerks, some people just have moments of 'jerkism'.

Either way, just because you don't like arguments doesn't mean you aren't already assertive. Assertiveness isn't always the ability to tell someone that you don't agree...sometimes it's walking away and staying away.

 

[JustBe]

@Piratelady
I just mean that if someone is emotionally cruel, aggressive, unable to engage in the give and take of civil discussion, I choose to disengage.

 

[piratelady]

Sorry. I should have been more clear when I was trying to say I know you guys didn't mean exactly the same thing. I probably shouldn't have written all that out.

 

[intothelight]

Yes, there are people who are just mean, bullies, or jerks. But there are also those who respond in a moment of jerkiness or they are in a bad place. Or there are also those who respond negatively as a result of our own behaviors, words, or actions.

Withdrawing and walking away and/or reinforcing boundaries are all good tools when dealing with the first group. But when dealing with the other two, is that not a form of denial? flight? freeze? It is always good to let the emotion settle, but when a person is back in a place of relative calm and to go back and revisit can bring about understanding, growth, compassion, empathy, etc.

Human interaction is messy. Relationships are messy. But at some point we have to work through the "messy" and learn to deal better with interaction and relationships. To constantly withdraw will not resolve anything, and I am not necessarily talking about resolution with another person, as there is also personal growth, resolution and acceptance in this process.

Don't get me wrong, this is not about self-blame or being a door mat. It is about an honest appraisal, and looking for ways to grow and become a stronger individual. Assertiveness comes from inner strength, while aggressiveness and passiveness are fed by our own inner insecurities.

There is an old adage that you can learn more from one mistake than one hundred successes. Sometimes you can learn more from one conflict than you can from one hundred positive interactions. Retreat until you are on your feet, but then stand solidly on your own ground and take a look. Kick the assholes to the curb, but don't be afraid to step off your own ground and try to look at it from someone else's perspective. Who knows what a person can see and learn, but there isn't a chance unless you risk it.

JMHO

 

[Britt.f7]

When I asked my therapist, a long, long time ago, if there was a sign on me that made me more likely to be attacked, she said that abusers generally can pick up on the vulnerability. I think some of us are very empathetic and it is easy to absorb what is going on around you even if it doesn't belong to you. I believe family, and even friends, know where your weak buttons are and press them, for whatever reasons. The few times I have done this, and I know I have, I have usually caught myself right away and apologized. Not everyone you deal with have this insight.

My sister is one such person. I have realized, when she is fighting with her husband, she will often try and pick a fight with me, or take it out on me. It has taken me a lifetime, but I finally call her out on it. When she snaps at me, I will be very calm but I let her know that it is not okay to do so. So far this is working.

I was brought up that you just get out of a person's way when they are volatile. I was always on my toes growing up. My son has a temperament similar to my mother and sister. However, I have told him repeatedly that I will not be afraid in my own house and, just because he is in a bad mood does not mean he is allowed to treat a person poorly or take it out on anyone. He has had to work on it, but he is definitely much better. He is conscious of it.

My dad would be another story. I tend to avoid him when he is being hurtful. Simply because I know he will not listen. I usually want to speak up when he is berating his wife or someone else. But his wife always shakes her head at me, telling me no. Leads me to wonder what happens when no one is around.