Are You An Easy Target For Others Who Attack You?

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you all for your replies. I really appreciate the feedback. When I have been decent and civil and gave the option that is was just my opinion and if it did not work feel free to trash it. Then I get dumped on. I was the initial target then the rant turned int a free floating venting on all people who shared my opinion. I was just the last straw for this person.

But there is no remorse. I have to use my bottom line boundry and disconnect. If they do it once, they are capable of doing it again.

I tend to go with the saying, "Do it once shame on you, do it twice, shame on me." I prefer to say shame on her and walk away. I really appreciate the feedback. This sort of thing triggers me into childhood abuse. I get all of the feelings I had back then. I was catching myself going negative on myself and I had to stop that. I am doing better thanks to all of the help and support I have gotten. I am sorry it happens. But I sure appreciate you all taking the time to support me with your own experiences. Thank you very much.

 

[Shellbell]

I had someone on here get nasty with me in one of my threads a while back. She made an incorrect and accusatory assumption I was referring to her about something and the topic was an emotive one. I knew her response came from a place of hurt and it was about her and after some reflection, I chose not to let it upset me.

In that situation, I calmly explained she was incorrect and that I was not trying to upset her, but got no response back, or apology for her inappropriate, angry and wrong accusing statement. She made it clear recently that she is still hurt by that conversation. But this is her issue, not mine.

I can only control me, not other people and try not to take it on board and cause me hurt.

I always explain myself if someone is hurt by something I have said or done, and will always apologise when I am wrong, but if I not in the wrong, then I have to try to leave their problem with them.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have a picture in my head of how I want to be when these types of things happen. I do not want to take it personally. I want to have internal boundries that block out the things that have nothing to do with me. I have an idea of this. I have wanted it my whole life. I am closer to the goal, but this time I got triggered into past childhood stuff. I had to sort through that.

My dad used to rage on us for unreasonable things. Then he would hit us starting with me the oldest and worked on down to the youngest. I refused to cry or cry out in pain. I refused to give my dad the satisfaction of knowing he was breaking me down.

I learned so many lessons through this. It was not wasted pain. I am alittle wiser. I am feeling better. The beauty of being online is that I do not have to respond to people not good for me. I wised up. I think that is the important thing.

When I am wrong I promptly admit it , apologize, and make what amends I can. I am grateful to all of you for your responses to this situation. I really appreciate it. Next time it will be different because of the lessons I learned this time. i was confused, bewildered, and confounded. I always admired the people who dealt with trolls online. They refused to pay any attention to the troll flaming them. I like this way of dealing with things like this. I sure am glad I learned some things this time. Next time I will be in much better shape. I feel so much better.

 

[Loveneverfails]

I just wanted to add that when I said that, I didn't mean it was a personality flaw. I meant it was theirs. Seeking someone who won't fight back is their problem, not yours. You not fighting back is a good thing. Moving on without being cruel back, that's what makes you, you. And as you can see from your follower list, a whole heck of a lot of people appreciate that. Pacifism is strength. I don't think many people understand how much it takes to walk away. Do what feels true to you, even if it isn't responded to the way you deserve. Someone will always be there looking for a target, how you deal with it is just fine.

Personally, I don't like bullies. It's been that way all my life. I used to respond as aggressively to a bully as I saw them do. I've mellowed as I've grown, but I never could do what you do. It isn't me. But you are special for being you. Don't change your personality because it didn't match up to one person.

 

[Bubba]

When I asked my therapist, a long, long time ago, if there was a sign on me that made me more likely to be attacked, she said that abusers generally can pick up on the vulnerability. I think some of us are very empathetic and it is easy to absorb what is going on around you even if it doesn't belong to you.

You said this so well - and this describes me to a T. My therapist told me basically the same thing. That my calm accepting demeanor is a magnet for crazy making people. I just have to get good at identifying them and not just accepting them for who they are - knowing they are crazy and that I can't have them in my life. They suck the life out of me.

 

[KatB]

This rings true, close to home. I haven't had the ability to walk away from problems that have risen up in my face. Years of emotional and psychological abuse, when someone comes in my face, I go along and fight back with my face in their face. My brother hasn't taken away my ability to walk away, but at times, I cannot do what you do. I break down after the "heat".

I dislike violence, dislike disharmony. I am all for peace, but when others speak, violence follows me. All depends the situation...I guess.

 

[Philippa]

I did notice one thing when my brother bullied and used gaslighting on me last time, and tried to blame me for the dysfunction of the family...I stood up and stared him right in the eyes, and told him that I was no longer going to be the scapegoat for this families dysfunction, and walked out of the restaurant and left him there (5 minutes prior to this he told me matter of factly that he was about to leave me there, and he said it in a way that he thought he was being the winner and making me the loser for being left alone in the restaurant.)

Later, when I got home I received a text from him apologizing for what he said (he'd been mean to me about something I did to my mother 8 years prior, which she had told him so he could serve me up a hefty dose of shame for it) My mother loves to manipulate her kids so that they do her dirty work for her and she gets to play the victim, except she doesn't tell the full story, so she ends up looking all innocent and I end up looking like a major bitch, and because she's the mother everyone believes her and not me.

I think when you don't say sorry and crumble, but take a step back and start to judge the reality of what is really going on, and don't just automatically decide it must be you or something about you...then they can't win. They only win when you end up caving to the thoughts in your own head that it really is you and you're the monster...when it's them who are behaving badly. Putting the blame where it belongs helps.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Phiippa, when you said putting the blame where it belongs helps. I think this is great. It helps to sort out the situation. Do not let them win. That is self esteem. Thank you for your perspective, I appreciate it alot.

 

[AS1975]

It has come to my attention that I am an easy target.

I too am an easy target, but for a very different response, I tend to go at anyone who attacks me with a head of steam that has to be seen to be believed and a speed that makes people blink several times wondering what just happened. A lot of that is down to lack of assertiveness for mine, I strive so very hard not to allow myself to respond as it just causes me problems.

I understand the 'just walk away' response as well, I have bitten holes in my cheek and tongue trying desperately not to respond, or to initiate the drama (or be seen to be initiating it). I've read so much on anger management, but I fundamentally disagree, some people just need to be put back in their box (or on their arse, or better face) as it will make the world a better place for everyone, including them in many cases.

That is what worries me about allowing my inner self to get out more easily, I am a delightful person to know, I'm funny, witty and go out of my way to show respect to everyone I meet, but I sincerely believe:

(1) that I am entitled to withdraw that respect when people demonstrate they are not entitled to it;
(2) that I am entitled to act in defence of my family, my friends and my opinions; and
(3) that not only is violence sometimes the answer, it is an extremely effective tool when dealing with obnoxious, overbearing people.

A lot of people disagree with this aspect of my character, they think the illness has caused this, but I would disagree. The illness has probably reduced my tolerance for such people, granted, but I would suggest that the fact that I have done what I have done entitles me to at least be treated like an equal, or even shown/treated with a modicum of respect in return for giving it to others.

That said, not everyone is going to like and/or appreciate you (or me) or anyone else. Don't let that cause you to try and act differently in order to be liked, quite frankly I am not even remotely interested in what other people think of someone who isn't me, they either respect/like me for me, or they don't, it isn't my issue anymore (I refuse to be bothered by what people I don't know think about me, shit, I don't care what people I do know think about me for the most part).

Sometimes people attack us for our online projection of self, because it comes into conflict with their online projection of self, a simple question would be how much is their opinion worth to you? In the real world, I've often come into conflict with people I actually respect, over one or more perceived slights, or actions, so be it, I can still respect them and as long as they haven't hit me over the head with a chair, I can even ignore the fact they don't like me (as irrational as their opinion obviously is;)).

I had to learn to enjoy what I do because I want to do it, not because other people liked or valued what I did, but because I wanted to do it. It made me a happier person.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I used to get into it with people but the resulting shame I felt for losing my temper just was not worth it. It costs me nothing to just walk away and keep my distance. I have had it with crazymaking people who do not see or hear me. I think so much of what you said makes sense. I really appreciate your taking the time to respond. It sounds like you have really healthy self esteem. I have not gotten there yet , but I will find the balance for me. Thank you very much for your well thought out response.

 

[Bilby]

(1) that I am entitled to withdraw that respect when people demonstrate they are not entitled to it;
(2) that I am entitled to act in defence of my family, my friends and my opinions; and
(3) that not only is violence sometimes the answer, it is an extremely effective tool when dealing with obnoxious, overbearing people.

When you say that you are entitled to act in defence of your family etc - does that mean that you would do so by using violence (given what you have said in part 3)?

As for obnoxious, overbearing people - that might be your opinion, but it might not be the opinion of the general public, if that makes sense. Furthermore, even if they are obnoxious and overbearing, does that really justify the use of violence, which ultimately has no positive benefit for you either (thinking of the legal ramifications)? Why not leave them to their ways, to flap their gums to themselves and just walk away from a situation that really isn't beneficial for you either?

I point this out, as you said initially that you try hard not to respond as it causes you problems.

I can't help but think that avoiding a violent/aggressive situation is better for everyone - PTSD or not?

 

[AS1975]

My rebuilding my self-esteem didn't follow the books on the subject. I simply got sick of trying to get my head around forgiving people who've done things that are unforgivable, or trying to make excuses to myself about why some people act like utter obnoxious pricks, the simple fact is that I allow them to affect my life, or to continue affecting my life, by refusing to accept that though what happened, happened, that is their problem to deal with, not mine. So many people seem obsessed with trying to work out excuses for why people do what they do, why bother? Some people are simply pointless WOFTAM's (Waste of F*ing Time and Money), trying to understand them is pointless, what they do is incomprehensible unless you become them.

By all means, hate them till their dying day, but don't let them destroy one more second of your life. Acceptance that reality is reality and all the wishes in the world aren't going to change that, was my first step, and I personally believe it is so much healthier than 'forgiveness', because some things I cannot even imagine sanctioning or forgiving. Accept other people have issues and their interaction with you may affect you, but don't even imagine casting yourself as the victim and understanding or forgiving them.

In this novel - Musashi (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Musashi_(novel)), there is one area where Musashi is trying to improve some farmland and fails repeatedly. He then comes to understand that he is trying to make something he cannot control respond to his control, and unsurprisingly failing to so do. He decides to accept the basic nature of the various elements of the land, of nature, etc. and work WITH them, with resulting success. It makes for interesting reading.