Friends And Fear Of Dependence

[piratelady]

Since I have been in therapy my therapist has been urging me to get back out there and be social, make friends, build healthy relationships. One of my fears after my marriage to my abusive husband is that I will do the same again. I will put myself into an unhealthy relationship and not walk away. I think his idea is that if I get back out there, it will help with that fear.

I've since made a new friend. When I first told my therapist about her, one of his first questions was, "Is it a healthy relationship?" That made me back away and look at our new found friendship and assess it. I do believe it is a healthy friendship, and she has become one of my favorite people. When I am down, she will be there for me; We laugh together all the time, even when something...odd pops out of my mouth.

She helps bring me back up, and my depression doesn't linger as long anymore. My fear is that I rely on her, and my other friends, for support and I will become dependent on others to keep me from falling, so to speak. That scares me and seems, kind of wrong to rely on others. I almost feel like I won't or am not strong enough / not self-reliant enough. This is sort of new territory for me and I am wondering if others have felt the same or fear the same.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I always lived in fear of imposing on people. So it kept me isolated. I think some dependence is good as long as the relationship is healthy. It is how you navigate the inevitable conflicts that pop up. It takes along time to get to know people. I am happy for you that you have so much good happening in your life. Big hugs.

 

[Shellbell]

I always fear I'm imposing on people, probably feel I am not really worthy of their friendship and fear they will 'leave me' if I get too close.

Of course this is all triggers of previous stuff, but it still affects me. I fear depending on anyone.

I wonder if if truly know what a 'healthy' friendship is and if I am capable of any 'healthy' relationships. Do I even know what that means? Probably not.

I'm glad you have a new friend and it is going well and you have friends in your life you can depend on, I understand your fears, but I think it is okay to have some dependence on friends.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I feel worthless if not completely independent. I see needing other people as a weakness. I know it all leads back to my extreme fear of abandonment.

 

[piratelady]

Thank you all for the input.

Shellbell: My hope, or thinking, is that by trying to develop more relationships while still in therapy, I have someone to discuss it with. Maybe they can help me learn what a healthy relationship looks like and I will have more confidence. What I didn't anticipate was the fear of feeling dependent on someone.

SoL: I think what you said sums up my feelings.

The more I think on this, I think the my fear is largely that by being dependent on someone they will learn my weaknesses and vulnerabilities and later use it against me. I can't see my new friend ever doing that to me, but I am still fearful of it. That or they will grow tired of my neediness and just walk away. Apparently my issues are run deeper than I'd like to believe. That kind of sucks.

 

[Shellbell]

Your fears are exactly my fears piratelady. My previous weaknesses have also been fully used and abused in the past by many people. It's a protection to safeguard against this, by not allowing myself attachment or dependence.

We can rationally tell ourselves that our friends won't hurt us, but our issues run way too deep for intellectual rationalisation. And yes, it does suck!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I hear you and understand. I do not want anyone to learn of my weaknesses and vulnerablities and later use it against me either. I think that is wisdome and common sense. Once you have been burned you are never the same. It takes along time to get to know someone. It takes along time to build trust.

It is a weird thing that with unhealthy people as soon as we feel safe and secure they turn on us. That really hurts and it is a betrayal and that is a very hard thing to heal from

Just go slow and take baby steps like you are. You are a very smart lady and you are capable of taking really good care of yourself. Once you have been betrayed like that it makes you very cautious and for good reason. Once burned who wants to go through that again? I have confidence in you. You will do just fine. Big hugs.

 

[intothelight]

This is just my own opinion, and nothing more. For me, to reach out and depend on people makes me feel vulnerable. Because of my past, I associate vulnerability with being hurt. Therefore, I was afraid to allow myself to trust others enough to depend on them.

But this is wrong, as healthy relationships involve a give and take between both people. When I hold back and do not allow others to do for me, as I do for them; then I have found this hurts them. It is scary to step out and trust, but it is critical to form healthy, meaningful relationships.

I have recently been reconnecting with people and risking being vulnerable. Uhhh....having to trust. :eek: But what I have found is the benefit far outweighs any fear I have had to face. Yes, it is scary and risky to connect with others, but it is a critical step in healing and leading a rich and fulfilling life.

Places like this forum are a great step for starting to connect with people, but it is critical to take it to the next level and do the same in your 3D life. Piratelady, enjoy your friendship and I hope you make many more. Gizmo, Shellbell and SOL, I hope you all reach a point where you do meet people and take the chance for a friendship. You are all worth it!

 

[Sues]

I think most people don't understand our intense fear of a friendship/relationship hurting us, because they have not been through what we've experienced. Yes, everyone has heartache in life, but for us I think it's more than that.

I have major trust issues, I'm afraid I'll never be able to be in a relationship again because of what happened to me. I have no idea how I'll get over it, or if I ever will.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

(((Sues))) Big hugs. I am sorry you got so burned and branded. I hope for your healing in this area. Mabe in time you will heal from this.

 

[Abstract]

to reach out and depend on people makes me feel vulnerable. Because of my past, I associate vulnerability with being hurt. Therefore, I was afraid to allow myself to trust others enough to depend on them.

Intothelight,
Thank you for this! This expresses it very well. And thank you for affirming that interacting on line is a very healthy way of practising this. I have had people really not understand that at all and yet it has been extremely helpful and healing for me.

 

[piratelady]

We can rationally tell ourselves that our friends won't hurt us, but our issues run way too deep for intellectual rationalisation.

Maybe it is for rationalism but maybe that's when you just have to risk it and try, like Deb said. If the benefit is so great, which it seems to be, then it would be worth it.

But what I have found is the benefit far outweighs any fear I have had to face. Yes, it is scary and risky to connect with others, but it is a critical step in healing and leading a rich and fulfilling life.

Thank you for this Deb. It is good to know that for you the benefit has outweighed the fear. I am happy to be going in this direction myself and I hope I can get passed this fear and start having some healthy relationships in my life. I guess step 1 will be to take her up on her invitation for dinner at her house and meet her husband. :notworthy:

Gizmo: You are very understanding. Thank you for the kind words.

Sues: I hope you are able to be in a relationship again. My therapist encouraged me in small steps. First it was to go spend some time with someone I already knew, then I joined a group where I could meet some new people. This new friend, is from work. As I was doing the things above and interacting with others I found I wanted more and more. I've come to enjoy the company. My new friend is probably one of the most genuinely caring people I've ever met. I'm glad I took the chance and met her. Now I just have to get over the anxiety that this has brought up. That was something I didn't expect and was not prepared for.