Friends And Fear Of Dependence

[Deleted member 1860]

I think sues really hit the nail on the head. Other people don't.....can't understand this fear.

 

[Red Feather]

I have this so often. I'm so scared of being a burden to people. I got attached to another person, after I was forced to leave my home. And he never wanted me around and so I got afraid of getting hurt and also of being a burden. I am distant with my friends. It is a group of friends so they all are very close with each other and don't understand why I am so distant, and then they usually lose hope or begin not to care about me. It is hard for me to make steps in getting closer. Normally I think I am a burden to them and actually it doesn't seem like I am wrong.... Some friends don't want to talk to me because I have too many problems, and usually I make people feel down or sorry for me.

 

[Abstract]

My previous weaknesses have also been fully used and abused in the past by many people. It's a protection to safeguard against this, by not allowing myself attachment or dependence.

We can rationally tell ourselves that our friends won't hurt us, but our issues run way too deep for intellectual rationalisation.

I never saw this before but yes! that is it exactly. And it is a visceral reaction and way beyond intellect.

. Yes, everyone has heartache in life, but for us I think it's more than that..

I agree that this absolutely is not heartache and is way more. It's also not something one can reason with.

 

[Abstract]

And then when I did push myself it went wrong again.

 

[Abstract]

The more I think on this, I think the my fear is largely that by being dependent on someone they will learn my weaknesses and vulnerabilities and later use it against me. .

You are not alone Piratelady.

 

[faraway]

Wow, I feel like I have met my kin. Is a fear of dependence common to PTSD sufferers? I am terrified of being a burden to people and of bothering them or getting in their way. I am afraid that they will turn on me, betray me or hate me once they get to know me. I have managed to completely isolate myself by moving to a closed, rural community where I know no-one. I didn't know it at the time, but since I've been diagnosed I see I was just living out a process of total alienation. I've promised myself to move next year, but in the meantime I don't see myself making any friends, even if I were able to form healthy connections, which I know I'm not currently able to.

 

[piratelady]

I don't know if fear of dependence is common in PTSD, but it is definitely something some of us members here have in common. I think with time and effort, and maybe some good therapy, we can certainly learn to have a healthy amount of dependence and independence. I imagine it's about find that balance and having trust :) It's certainly something to strive for IMO.

 

[Shellbell]

I have realised that due to all my fears of burdening people, guilt for involving them in my 'stuff', fear of dependence, fear of being vulnerable, fear of failure, fear of rejection and abandonment etc, I am sabotaging friendships and my support network and myself.

This week, I've ended a friendship with two people who I care about so much and they care and have been really good to me. I felt like a was disappointing them and I was so badly hurt, affected and triggered by that, I shut down and shut them out. I've ruined a good friendship and I feel terrible. Have been crying so much about it.

I don't know how to have normal healthy relationships of any kind and being alone and isolated is horrible, but familiar and safer.

 

[piratelady]

Shellbell: That is something I have been gradually learning lately - How to have a normal healthy relationship. Lately, I've tried to shut my new friend out so I can isolate. She gives me a day or two and then she's back and pushing into life. I am glad to have become friends with her. I hope you can find people like that. People who recognize you need time on your own and give that to you, but won't let you push them away. It's amazing the difference it makes.