Drawn To Watch Tv Show That Reminds Me Of The Trauma

[Justmehere]

Hi all,

I am new here, so please bear with me as I fumble around to post.

My PTSD symptoms are really bad right now for several reasons, one of them is that this month is the being the first anniversary of multiple traumatic events that happened in November of last year. I had PTSD before last year, but it was well controlled, and I was almost asymptomatic. Then lots of bad things happened (including the death of several people close to me.) This last year has been hard. This month feels like the worst.

I am not numbing out with dissociation as much, but it seems like it is being replaced with new things. One thing that I seem to be drawn to doing to wacthing a certain type of crime show. These shoes make me tense, and yet, I actually feel bad when the show is over, and I want to look for another episode online to watch. It is really really hard not to give and and watch when I have any free time. It is to the point that I am not keeping up with things. It is almost like a sudden addiction. I feel very drawn to immerse myself in the subject... and it's incredibly simillar to the trauma I faced. In fact the closer the show is to the trauma I faced, the more I am drawn to watch it. I don't really "want" to watch, and yet I do want to watch it at the same time.

Most of my PTSD symptoms are about avoiding the pain and any reminders of what has happened. This feels like submerging myself into the subject matter, and yet in a way that somehow takes me away from what happened to me, and puts me in a place of being engrossed in stories about fictional characters going to through simillar trauma. The odd thing is that watching this show does not make me feel better overall, but it can stop panic attack or other feelings that I feel related to the trama.

I feel like I am really messed up, and I am embarassed to post about this, but I am also overwhelmed and not sure why I am doing this. I think I need to stop. I can't figure out why it is so hard. I could easily switch to other entertainment online or offline, and even more, I have much much better things to do and think about in my very limited free time.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this?

Jane

 

[Smushroom]

I understand what you are saying. Lately, I have been drawn to read those 'true stories' books. It feels wrong reading about child abuse and neglect and sexual abuse, and it often triggers me, but for some reason at the moment, that Is all I can think about reading.

I guess I'm just curious what happened to other people, how they got through it etc. I don't know...but I often think I must be really messed in the head to be wanting to read those books...

 

[Abstract]

Hi Jane,

Welcome here.

I do relate to this and can say I have done this almost exactly in the way you describe. It stopped after looking at one particular experience in T for just a few minutes (before I "ran" away again and have not been able to go there). Now I have a proper aversion to the same shows. I am still a bit drawn to the subject in general but not in that way.

Thank you for posting and sorry for all you have suffered.

 

[saffy]

Hi Jane

Welcome to the forum.

I think sometimes it is the hardest thing to face your fears. However, your own self is telling you to experience this for a reason. Think about how you think you will feel watching it. Prepare yourself first, deal with every emotion and feeling as they come. By reliving it this way you are watching but can learn to be in more control or your reactions because you have prepared yourself first. Being drawn to this is curiosity and the feeling of safety. I am able to relive this in the safety of my comfort zone. Maybe your T can help you with some personal skills that might help you be able to deal with things like this better.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Justmehere]

Smushroom ~ sorry you deal with this too.
Abstract ~ I'm encouraged by how talking to your T helped.
saffy ~ thanks for the advice. I think I am trying to relive it and understand it in a more controlled way, in a way that is much less scary.

I have a brand new T. My old T suddenly quit, and my T before her moved away just a few months ago. I think this new T seems pretty ok, but I have no trust in her. I have met with her twice... But maybe talking about this will help me dive into the work that we need to do faster. I dunno.

Thanks for the responses everyone. I feel a bit less like a freak and like maybe this is something I will be able to understand and get better control of over time. It feels so weird.

~ jane

 

[Shellbell]

I always watch Law & Order SVU. It's because the 'perps' normally just what they deserve. I like that.

It's normal to be drawn to TV and books that are about the abuse you suffered. It doesn't make you a freak.

If it's getting too triggering, it's advisable to avoid it for a bit. I can't watch shows with guns at the moment as it's much too triggering of previous trauma.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I wonder if there is an element of justice in these shows that you didn't get in real life? This is the exact reason why I watch SVU. However, there are two episodes that I can't watch. The babysitter molester episode with Rita Wilson (waay too close to my trauma), and the female perp/female victim episode (as of last year there was only ONE episode of this type, believe it or not). I have seen the first one and I was shaken for days. My family warned me about the second and I haven't seen it.

 

[Shellbell]

SOL, I think you are right, there is justice in these shows, that we didn't didn't get.

 

[Dallas]

I know it is common for those with combat PTSD (military veterans) to watch only military shows and war movies. That's ALL my boyfriend does is watch these shows day and night. He is pretty much glued to the TV. I don't know why, but it helps him stay calm. I think they are kind of addicted to it in some way.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[piratelady]

I go through phases like that as well and I will watch a ton of those shows that relate to my trauma. I find as my symptoms get better my "addiction" to those shows gets better as well. I agree with SoL as well

 

[Britt.f7]

There are times I can't get enough of some of the shows. Other times I won't have anything to do with them. I prefer them to win and catch the perp. I have a hard time watching true stories where there are children who are molested. I use to watch SUV all the time, now I don't. I've been watching some documentary type shows in prisons. I find it interesting to hear their lives, what they were and what they now are. Part of this might be the fact that my cousin is in a penitentiary. Part of it is that they don't like molesters and child killers. Despite how vicious their lives might now be they still have a code.

 

[therapybankrupt]

I'm right there with all of you. I love when the Perp gets what they deserve. Also it opened my eyes to why the skeptics are out there. Sometimes the victim is not the victim at all.