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List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

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A Little British Humour .......



The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle...
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired. She snorted, Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.
 
These fit so well they should be in the dictionary.

BEAUTY PARLOR:A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS:The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:Cold Storage.

MOSQUITO:An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:Something you tell to one person at a time.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:An honest opinion openly expressed. And MY Personal Favorite!!

WRINKLES:Something other people have, similar to my character lines.
 
CAR KEYS
Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately
gave myself a personal TSA pat down.

I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick
search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically,
I headed for the parking lot.

My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the
ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.

His theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the
door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.

His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed
that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered;
I always call him "honey" in times like these.

"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped,
but then I heard his voice.

"Idiot", he barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come
and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have
not stolen your car."

Yep it's the golden years.
 
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