Scapegoating In The Family And Its Consequence.

[rightkindofme]

I did not learn to speak up for myself. I acted it out in anger and rage. But them I would feel guilty and ashamed and apologize. A vicious cycle.

I feel very guilty about it but I am still here. I can't speak up for myself without getting angry and sounding nasty so I always apologize for speaking. :(

 

[Philippa]

I think getting angry if you need to stand up for yourself is a good thing, though I agree it needs to be expressed in a way that doesn't hurt anyone. The emotion of anger is a way of acknowledging that we are just as important as everyone else, and our boundaries have been transgressed...and that's not ok.

I think as women especially, we need to learn how to accept our anger, and even if it feels like we are being nasty or it feels nasty, it's just because women have been trained for so long to never be angry, because that is not what men find attractive.

Anger is a natural emotion, and we need to get better at allowing ourselves to express it without feeling guilty.

Rightkindofme, I really hope you can start to feel more comfortable with standing up for yourself and not feeling the need to apologize for counting yourself as important as a human being. I hope we all can.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am working on it. It depends on what is going on at the time, and if it is worth paying any attention to it or not. Sometimes it is worth it to speak up and other times it is best to just blow it off.

I used to try to work things out but I would get sucked into crazymaking circular arguements that got farther and farther away from the core issues. I do not want to do that anymore.

So I am learning to make a disitinction between what I can try to work out and what I cannot. Sometimes it is not worth it. It is better to just fade them out. I feel a loss but I got a dose of valuable information so it is up to me to use my brain.

I used to apologize for everything, not my fault. I have come a very long way.

I decided not to be like my relatives too. I used to be blunt and abrasive and my problems multiplied. So I learned how to temper and pace myself. I want to live and let live. I do not want to take things personally anymore. Sometimes it is very hard.

 

[Philippa]

Yes well, I'm not saying being blunt or abrasive hasn't caused me more trouble than it is possibly worth, I just prefer not mincing words or sugar coating things, but I am able to adapt and also tone it down if the situation calls for it.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

It is a balance that I am trying to achieve. I know if I am doing the right thing now. It is appropriate to the situation. I am learning so much.

When a bad thing happens I have so much to sort through because of my past stuff. I have a iceburg of issues. There is so much below the surface that attaches to the present stuff. This caused me to overreact before. Now I try to just focus on the here and now. And deal appropriate with it.

I try to use tact when it is possible. I was raised to be the perfect victim. I do not want to go through that anymore. I just want to live and let live. I want to fade out of my life those that are crazymaking.

I want people in my life that I can agree to disagree with and still be able to maintain the connection. That is the ideal. I am learnign.

 

[Philippa]

I think that's a worthwhile goal to aim for gizmo. I've managed to be able to manifest that in my own life, and I'm pretty happy with the circle I keep at the moment. They are all very intelligent, humane, empathic people that I know I can disagree with and still remain civil towards. Its' a great thing to be able to achieve this.

 

[Tanishq]

Has anyone had success overcoming being a family scapegoat? Are you healing from this?

I am sorry gizmo. I don't have anything to say here. I was blamed for everything.
Light bill, medical bills, breaking glasses and toys(Boyish Hyper activeness), Not meeting their expectations, not following them, not answering them. Sometimes I was blamed not to read their mind properly.

I do self beatup sometimes. I do feel ignored even if no one ignored me actually. I fear getting blamed. I have so many in this issue.

Gizmo, You have overcome your anger. So I think you can overcome this.

I am in this thread to get support and ideas. I am elder child, but I never feel like I am here in this family.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Philipia I am very happy for you. Give yourself a pat on the back. This speaks well of your ability to get along with safe others. Pretty much I get along with most people.

I have gut instincts that I either listen to or I do not. When I ignore my gut instincts I am headed for trouble with others who prove unsafe, and I fade them out of my life. I do not give them another chance to hurt me like that again. Do it to me once, shame on you, do it to me twice, shame on me. I am the only one who can watch out for my best interests. I do not lower myself to their level.

I do not deserve to be talked to disrespectfully. I do not deserve to be dumped on. I do not deserve to bear the brunt of their rages. As a child I was held hostage to parents who dumped their toxic rage on me. Hours of it. I was raised to be the perfect victim.That is what they prepared me for.

It has been a long journey. I have had so many painful and costly lessons in finding the better way,I have my dignity now. I have my self respect now. I do not give unsafe people chance after chance. I do not try to talk to anyone who does not see or hear me anymore. It has proved to be futile and I do not want to waste my time anymore.

I do not hang out with controlling people anymore. I have alot to learn still, I know that. But I will learn it.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Jaret, I am sorry this happened to you. I am sorry you beat up on yourself. I hope for the day when you will not do this anymore to yourself. I hope for your ultimate healing. That you can overcome the scapegoating you experienced as a child.

 

[Tanishq]

This one still gets me. Last year I had to let go one year and had to re-prepare for entrance exams for MBA masters admission. Last year I gave this examination, but our bachelor degree's last semester exams was held very late and it eliminated us from getting admission for MBA. I had good result though my parents didn't tell me anything. They didn't support me.

I decided to take rest, do emotional healing. But could never do anything. I was struggling to adjust in home. All the time they kept telling me what to do and what not to do.

This year Jan, Feb, March. Three month they didn't allow me to have their broadband connection. Every time dad came to me discuss about it, it often ended with huge and intense verbal fight. He always brought money issue. That I am wasting his money. He is best dad and I am bad son. It did lot of harm to me. I felt so much pressure. I told them I need internet because I need to prepare for Maths. Last year I worked hard for English and I did improvements. But this year I couldn't do anything. I couldn't prepare for Maths and brought low marks. Though luckily I got admission through caste system.

Dad asked why I need net? I proved it. I showed what I search. He said I am wasting my time and I need to read books. People didn't have internet in dad's time. So they had to read books. But this is modern time and pattern has changed. The more you get, the more you can learn. He accused me of misusing internet and chatting with people. He didn't believe in me and kept me away from net. It hurt my preparations big time. he told my young sis can use net because she brings A grade.

Just 14 days ago of entrance exam, he told me to get out of home. It stressed me a lot. I lost all focus.

Now it is the same situation. Couple of weeks ago he gave me net and took away the same day. Now I have decided not to use net. He has taken away modern adapter and when my young sis and dad needs it, they will come with it. It makes me question myself. Why I am here?

When my young sis connects inernet, it makes me feel so bad and reminds me that I am not counted in this family. I try to let go this all, but sometimes it catches me.

 

[Tanishq]

That you can overcome the scapegoating you experienced as a child.

Thank you so much gizmo. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am sorry this is happening to you. It is very unfortunate. I wish your dad would understand you. It sounds like he has a plan for your life and he punishes you when you do not conform to his plans for you. I would be hurting alot if this was happening to me too. I hope you can find a way out Jaret. One that will set you free from your dad and mom. I am wishing you the best. Big hugs.